Matters of the Heart

You know, I don't quite get the social animals thing. Yeah, as humans we just have this need to converse and befriend others, but... I don't quite see why. And there's so many people who claim to have a social phobia of some sort... How can a social creature have a social phobia? How? Why? Why why why why why?
I can't comprehend this.

For some reason, I can't help but try and figure out why we're social creatures. I mean, I can see the benefits, but I also see a lot of disadvantages to working in a group.
That said, when I consider my own friend and family, I certainly don't do things with them because I expect something in return. So there's obviously this other dynamic there that I just can't quite grasp. Or, perhaps I can grasp it, but I'm trying not to. I don't want to.
I know I've mentioned this before, but I think I have a co-dependency complex. I fear becoming co-dependent. And I think I try to reason everything I do so that I can monitor myself and make sure that I don't rely on others too much. Hence my confusion over all this.

I am horribly hypocritical about all that, though, because I also fear being alone. Go figure.

I'm not sure what I want. My feelings on all this tend to fluctuate quite often. There are times when I'll speak about nothing for hours with other people. Where I end up being very over the top. These are the times when I do love my physical contact, where hugs are just normal for me and I also enjoy play fights and whatever else. So long as I'm near someone else. And then there are the times when... I don't know, it's like there's a social 'switch' in me and someone has turned it off. I'll just not talk, not listen, shy away from the world and I'll even disappear off the internet. I'll flinch if someone prods me.

I don't quite understand any of that. I don't know why I sometimes crave the contact, both emotionally and physically. I don't know why there are other times where I feel slightly nauseous over just the prospect of being near someone.
Is it too much to ask for some consistency here?

Thing is, I only start to avoid others if I feel I've gotten too clingy. It's not really a conscious thing. I just stop. I think it was, once. I'd tell myself "yeah, okay, you're going too far" and I'd force myself to shy away from everyone else. It's just gotten to the point where I do it automatically.

Pretty sure it was never like this until after my last boyfriend. Romance isn't all it's cracked up to be if you do become dependent, I suppose. Then again, I guess I'm glad things ended up the way they did. Live and learn, and all that. Maybe this will save me from future issues.

Eh, still. I know I crave attention. I miss having someone to rely on. I miss having someone who was both a friend and more. I miss the little secrets that none of our friends were in on. I miss the times when just bumping shoulders or catching his gaze across the room would send shivers down my spine. Granted, I wouldn't want that with him anymore. That ship sailed long ago. ...That doesn't mean that I don't miss it, sometimes.

I berate myself for that. Hence why I now have days that I try to avoid others. To convince myself I don't want this anymore. I don't.

Lol co-dependency I don't even.

I guess that's more of a relationship thing, though. I mean, I've never been massively dependent on friends. I do avoid speaking to my friends quite often though. Perhaps my mind fails at deciphering between those that I'm close with and I can lean on without becoming dependent, and those that I end up needing as an emotional crutch to the point of me becoming completely clingy.

Random subject change: You know how people say that relationship matters come from the heart? I refuse to say that. They come from the mind too. The heart just pumps blood, right?
Even so, there's something about the heart that is so obviously romantic. Maybe because that's what pumps our blood, the essence of everything that makes us alive, through our very being. And it's tangible, as well. You can feel a heart beating.
You can't feel a brain thinking. And I think that's why hearts are always considered to be the epitome of our emotions. You can feel it. If you put your head to a persons chest, you can hear it. Also, when something terrible happens, you feel it in your chest, near the heart. You can feel that pain swell under the skin and spread throughout your torso. Your 'blood runs cold', as they say. And your ribcage suddenly feels too small, too constricting...

What causes that feeling, then? There we go, something else I don't understand. We all know when something horrible happens, so why do we need a physical reminder of the fact?

Why?

=_=