Random Inexplicable Illness

I woke up early this morning to continue working on an assignment. I was fine at first, but not long after my parents got up, I started to feel terrible and perhaps a little apprehensive. I had the urge to move, and the more I sat still, the worse I felt. The urge to throw up only left after I stood up and paced the hallway.

I feel very, very sick, and I don’t believe it’s the usual, physical kind of sick. If that were the case, I’d most likely need to stay lying down, or, depending on what I had, either eat more, or eat less. I’m fine eating. I don’t feel hungry, or not hungry. There’s nothing else really wrong with me unless you count the return of my insomnia or this weird apprehension that’s settled in my stomach. It doesn’t feel like the weird digestion problems I usually have. It doesn’t feel like anything I’ve ever had before, to be honest.

No, this illness is different. I just need to move, otherwise I feel queasy and the apprehension sets in strongly, to the point of genuine fear. Of what I’m scared of, I have no clue. Relations with my parents are surprisingly good at the moment. I’m procrastinating at school, but that’s never worried me before. I’ve always been prepared to face an E grade because, with how late I start things, I’ve always known there’d be a high chance of it. Hell, I’ve had plenty of E's in the past. So I’m not scared about failing this assignment.

The only thing I can think of is this soloists concert tonight that I’m playing at, but I’ve never felt scared of playing this early before I go on stage. Usually I don’t feel a thing until I’m almost ready to face the audience. That’s when I start shaking and panicking, of course, but... there’s almost 12 hours before I go perform (as of the time I started writing this) and... I feel really, really scared.

It’s weird. And the fear is just making the sickness worse, and that sickness seems to intensify said fear. If this doesn’t let up, I’m hardly going to be able to do my assignment or perform, so the timing of this is splendid.

I need to move but I can’t, because I need to work and that involves sitting at a desk. There’s nothing I can do about that.

I’m wondering where the hell all this weirdness is coming from, and if any of my emotions are linked to this. Gradually over the last two years I’ve become complacent, uncaring and bored with everything. Over the last few weeks I’ve felt the trust I always had between myself and both friends and family decline dramatically. Even my Dad isn’t immune to this. He’s someone that I’ve always held in an extremely high regard, someone I’ve always looked up to and trusted with all my heart. Now I find myself questioning everything he says and avoiding eye contact. Why?

I don’t think its paranoia, per se, because I certainly don’t think he wants to do anything bad to me. I don’t think anyone I know wants to harm me, and if they did it’d be talking behind my back (something I know happens anyway, and I’ve never cared before), so I'm certain it's not related to that.

I can’t sleep, I can’t focus, I can’t keep myself trusting, I can’t speak to anyone about it, and I’m starting to think that I actually feel legitimately sick because of it.

I still have no explanation for this massive fear, though. I have never felt anything like this before. Not like the fear on a roller coaster or something. It’s just this steady, building feeling that something terrible is going to happen and I know it, but I can’t consciously grab onto whatever it is that I know about. And the longer I wait, the worse I feel.

I’d talk to people, but of the people I usually talk to, half of them are oddly happy right now, and the other half are seriously not. I don’t want to ruin that happiness, and I certainly don’t want to impose on someone who’s already upset about something. So I’m not sure who I’d talk to about this. Once again, amazing timing on my part.

I just... I’m scared. And I don’t know why. I’m sick, tired and scared, and I can’t control it. I can’t just tell myself it’s fine, because it’s not.

I am not in the right frame of mind to do work right now, but it’s the start of term. I can hardly give up already.

I don’t even know what the hell is wrong with me anymore.

Sup Little Me

Recently I've been doing a bit of... uh, self-discovery stuff. I feel that I have to with all the shit going down in my life at the moment, from minor friend dramas to stressful school stuff to utterly painful family arguments.
I'm feeling pretty put down, to be honest. I've been putting myself down, and my mother has been making me feel terrible, and I dunno. I just feel really bad. So I've decided to try and... I dunno, figure stuff out. About me. About why I should feel bad about myself, but also (and more importantly) why I shouldn't.
It's all been pretty difficult. I probably haven't been the most exciting person to be around recently, so kudos to those who have tried to help and have asked what's wrong. Hell, this is aimed even to those that haven't really spoken to me about things, but have at least tried to be there for me. It means a lot.

Hm. Anyway. I've also been trying to figure out stuff with religion, because I don't really know what I believe in and I think I should probably start figuring that out.
I wrote a blog post about that today in Biology as my internet wasn't working. I don't have it with me, but I will upload it. Eventually.

ClearlyUnfocused wrote a letter to her year eight self in her last blog post, and I think I will do the same. Why? Because I screwed up a lot in past years and I think there are a lot of things I'd like to tell myself, even if only hypothetically.

***

GoJo,
Yeah. That's your name. It won't be for at least another year, but someone important to you will help you realise the awesomeness that is the name (and soap brand) "GoJo". Don't question it. Just go with it.
You're starting year eight. You're a new kid. You're no longer the school nerd. You aren't the vice captain or the school band leader or any of that. You're just a kid. A stranger to everyone else.
You won't really be the school nerd here. You're going to take a crack at being a bit more popular instead, as strange as that sounds. I'm going to say go for it, because it's a great learning experience, and you get to take a glimpse at a world that you'll never quite fit in with.

Here's something that I really, really needed to hear as a 13 year old. Something I think I knew, but didn't want to accept.
You won't see your old friends in the future, really. You'll see them once more. Just once.
Yeah. Once. That's it.
The only friend you will retain from primary school is one that you didn't actually talk to much throughout year 7. You won't talk to her much this year, either. But trust me when I say she becomes a lifeline later on. Her friendship will be unexpected. Don't reject it. I have little more to say. She will become your best friend.

This year is going to be messed up. You'll get a proper boyfriend. Really. The girl you start talking to about The Sims? She'll tease you about being flatchested, date the boy you will end up dating for a good two years and take away your first friend from this school.
But you won't hate her. You could never hate her, though I've no idea why. Don't worry about it. Just... don't look up to her. Don't try to be her. That's all the advice I can offer you here.

That first friend that ditches you for the girl above? The one you see on the bus? She's not worth your time. Don't bother with her. She will hurt you.

Don't give up saxophone. Look through your music. See the song Pineapple Custard Tango? The one you found really easy? Yeah, you fall behind so much that it becomes difficult. You struggle to relearn it. Don't let this happen. Please.
You used to be the band geek. I'm not anymore, but I'm certain that you can be.

There are two things I need to share. Desperately.
1. You will have a bout of self-harming about 3/4 of the way through the year. One of the girls will find out and only one person will defend you. Stick with him. For the love of God, please, stick with him. You'll need him desperately later. He's strange, he's childish, he's smart, he's naive... he's also strong, and kind, and the sort of person you'll want to rely on later. He'll need you a lot in the future. Do not forget how he defended you. He wouldn't hesitate to help you again. Never take that for granted.
Truly, he's the closest person you have to the friends you had in primary school. You want a friend who's dorky, nerdy and hilariously immature? Yeah, he's it. You know your two best friends from primary school? Yeah, he's both of them rolled into one, but so much more.
2. Look beyond your classroom. The people you connect with are not here. They are not in your form group.
I'm not saying you should disregard these guys completely. I definitely think you should date the dorky guitar-player. You'll have doubts now, but trust me when I say he is amazing. Befriend his friends, learn about them, because they'll get you through year 9. But once things fall apart with them (and trust me, your friendships will be shaky at best), you'll want to find others.
You will find them in the other class. Really.

Other things you need to know.
- Don't let peer pressure force you to do something you don't want to. The guy you will date for 2 years? He won't be your first kiss if you allow yourself to be pushed around by others. This hurts him more than you. Trust me.
- That said, don't become co-dependent. You don't need a boyfriend.
- Start building relationships now. You probably can't see it now, but Mum's mental state will deteriorate. Harshly. Your father will be a pillar of strength for you, but you'll also need your friends.
- Not everyone wants to hear about your love of video games and anime. That's how you lose a lot of friends in your first two years here, believe it or not. This is why you need to look towards the other class.
- Not everyone wants to read your fanfiction, either. For now, keep your online life and your school life separate.
- Don't let that blond chick get you down. Yeah, you're flatchested now, but her words will mean nothing later. Trust me, you'll get your boobs. Heh. That said, enjoy being flatchested while you can. It's difficult to climb trees or run around when you aren't.
- You're going to grow out of books. Yes. It's possible. I'm sorry. I am truly sorry. I don't know how to prevent this.
- Start looking at languages. I can't stress this enough. Hey, you know your anime? Imagine being able to watch it in the original language. Imagine playing Pokemon the way it was created. Imagine reading manga without relying on a translation.

Languages become very important to you later. Learn Japanese. Live it. Love it. Your great-grandmother, Oma, loved Italian. Adored it. Aunty V loves Italy. Go listen to Italian and get a feel for it. Start learning that too, if you'd like. Get a head start. One day, you'll want to base your careers off of language.

This year is going to be a rollercoaster. If it does end up anything like my first year (which, me being you, it will) then you will change friend groups a lot. You will date a couple of different guys. You will go to many parties. You will experience fights (both physical and emotional) and you will start to ignore your studies in favour of improving your social life. You will be hit on, and you will also be hit in a physical sense. You will be hated and insulted, but you will also be complimented and, in some rare cases, loved. You will learn to love yourself more, but you'll also learn to hate yourself a lot.

It will be a bumpy road, but it will be worth it.

And look, the first two years here really will teach you a lot. And year 10 will be hell. It will suck. You will hate it. But there's a light at the end of every tunnel.

This will mean nothing to you now, but read this section when you turn 15.

That pale kid who made the website? Yeah, the one who amazed you by spelling your last name correctly. Believe it or not, you really need to pay attention to him, because Science Club with him will be your only refuge for at least two terms. School will be terrible. Home will be terrible. Science Club will be enjoyable and one of the only times you will smile in the first half of this year. While you probably don't mean much to him, he will mean a lot to you for this (whether he knows it or not). There will come a time when you literally will have no one to sit with. He's the guy you'll see, and his group (featuring the rest of this list) will soon become your own.

You know those two girls in band? You spoke to them a few times in year 9. They will, with your insistence, start watching anime. Yes, you are not alone here. They will become your kindred spirits. They will be the girls you fangirl with. The ones you talk about music, television and crushes with. The ones you eventually look up to and trust with almost everything you have to say.
They become the replacements for your primary school friends, in the end. So you know how damn special they are. I don't need to elaborate any more than this.

The quiet violin player that your fellow choir member used to point out? He will help you get into languages. He will have so much in common with you. It'll take awhile before you really talk to him. No, he doesn't hate you, though you will think that at first. He's just quiet. Once you do start talking to him, you'll discover how alike you two really are. He's very open. He loves countries. He's so overly kind and considerate. Don't overlook him. Ever.

Be strong, ignore the bad things, learn to accept the good things and remember that life goes on.

Cleanin' Out My Closet

An Eminem reference. Bet you guys weren't expecting that.
I'm not really cleaning out my closet, actually. I'm cleaning out behind my desk. It's almost empty now, so I'll be able to move my desk over a bit and create some more room. I've saved my old school books (as I would love to burn them when I graduate) but most everything else is going.

I found a good 4 or 5 gift cards down there. Feels good. I should go shopping.

It's weird to be cleaning out my room at all, though. Normally I need to be forced to. I have two reasons for cleaning out behind my desk though.

1. The stuff behind my desk is below my window. Unfortunately, every morning there is a lot of condensation on the window from the night before, so I end up with everything behind the desk getting pretty wet and gross. It's a good thing to move all my stuff away from there, I think.
2. I want to eventually clean out my entire room. So much so that I can fit everything into three suitcases at maximum.

This'll take awhile. I'm not moving out for at least a year and a half, but I figure I'll get started. Once the desk is clean, I'll start emptying out the small shelves. Once I deal with that, I'll find my way into the cupboard.

...which is a scary thought. It's full of stuff. And I mean full. It's quite scary. But I'll have to go empty it out eventually.

I want to make my room fit into three suitcases because I'm sick of having all this stuff I won't use. I'm a hoarder, and I'd like to try and contain my hoarding tendencies at least a little bit. It'll make it easier to move out too, of course.
If I can fit everything into three suitcases, then I can literally take everything with me when I study abroad. So, you know... if I decide not to return... heh.
Jokes aside, I do want my room to be emptier.

Suitcase 1 will have clothes in it.
Suitcase 2 will have random junk. ie: my Nintendo figurines, my video games, my posters and my laptop.
Suitcase 3 will have whatever didn't fit into the first 2.

It saddens me to say that I'm not going to worry too much about instruments. The alto sax, which has been my baby for 7 years now, is not the most portable thing I own. I'll try to keep it as long as possible, but I'm not going to fool myself into thinking that I'll continue playing it forever. I won't. The clarinet is easier to take around, and I could fit it into my awesome suitcases, but I've never been as enamored by the clari. Not to the same extent as my love for the saxophone.

I think the biggest reason that I want to fit my life into a few suitcases is because my aunt actually traveled around Europe with one suitcase. No home. Nothing but what was in her bag and the cash she had on hand. Well, she had savings back here in Aus, but she didn't want to depend on that while she traveled. She had no plans. She stayed where she wanted for as long as she wanted, and when she started to feel tired of a place she'd just get up and leave. I love that idea. Just... roaming. Nowhere to go, no obligations... the only issue with that is that she ran out of cash while in Portugal. She ended up getting back to England and getting a job so she could afford to come back here. Even so, I've always adored that about her. She was able to leave everything behind her and just see where her heart took her.

I mentioned this to Dad, and he quoted Janis Joplin. "Freedom's just another word for nothin' left to lose".

Random subject change here. Someone I care about was on MSN yesterday. Drunk. Lainey messaged me telling me that she had no idea what to do, so I spoke to him via the internet. We had some... interesting conversations, actually. It seems that, while his spelling abilities drop significantly when intoxicated, he still manages to say some really intelligent things. And some really, really depressing things.
What do you do when someone you care about seems content enough at school, and yet admits (with the help of alcohol) that he well and truly isn't? He apologised today for everything, and it was awkward after that.

Do I bring it up again? Do I ask him if I can help in anyway? Do I confront him despite how awkward it could be? Or should I save both him and myself the embarrassment and pretend it never happened?

I don't know.

Why You Shouldn't Care For People

Reasons I shouldn’t drive when angry;

1. I accelerate faster

2. I end up having extremely sucky clutch control

3. I think I end up with tunnel vision. I definitely wasn’t using my peripheral vision.

4. I turn too sharply.

5. I grip the steering wheel slightly too tight, which makes it harder to turn the wheel or hit the indicator.

6. I occasionally get the urge to swerve into the other lane. Just to see how everyone else would react.

Poor ClearlyUnfocused was with me, and after dropping her off my Dad was still in the car, so clearly I wasn’t going to attempt number 6. Doesn’t mean that I didn’t think about it though.

----------------------------

Today has been shit.

The entire week has been, actually.

Nothing unusual. There are three people who are really annoying and/or hurting me, two of which have often annoyed and/or hurt me in the past. The only reason this is different is because;

a. There’s a third person now

b. I’ve felt rather ill, with it getting progressively worse as the day has gone on

c. Unlike most other times, there are many, many things plaguing my mind right now, and I think it’s just… built up a little too much, maybe.

Everything attacked me all at once today, it seems. This really sucks.

Anyway, the start of the day was fine. Mum seemed agitated, but that’s not unusual. There was an awards ceremony and I got a bronze academic award. Not great, but hardly bad. It would’ve been terrible enough for me to get really upset back in primary school, but these days I don’t usually get anything at all. So I’m happy.

My parents didn’t stick around to congratulate me, though. I ended up chilling with Phantomess and her Dad instead. Before that, though, I did look for my ‘rents. I hung back before entering the library where we had morning tea. I then checked the library itself. After that I looked over the carpark only to see that my parents most certainly were not there.

...If that’s not a clear representation of the relationship between my parents and I, then I don’t know what is.

I’m not that proud of my award. I could’ve done better, but I didn’t. I don’t really feel the need to make a big deal of it, nor do I really want to show it off. But I did want my parents to at least say something to me afterwards.

This lack of encouragement was just made all the more obvious when one of my friends (the same bastard I’m usually complaining about) made sure to congratulate the girl next to me, but didn’t say a word to me. Thanks. Fucker.

Sigh. He’s not exactly the most emotionally able. That said… surely he can understand how confused and hurt I am by him? This is the same kid who became one of my best friends only 5 months ago only to pointedly ignore me after. Just because he has never emotionally invested himself into a friendship, doesn’t mean that I haven’t. He may not understand this, but it hurts a lot when he talks to everyone except me. When he offers things to those around me, but not to me. When he says the exact same things he used to say to me to someone else, as if it wasn’t something we’d previously talked about. When someone else sits where I used to sit, and laughs and jokes around with him like we used to while I sit in silence away from him.

Yeah. It fucking hurts. I’ve always found it difficult to explain human emotion. I can’t say where, or why, or how it hurts, only that it does. It’s not the first time I’ve allowed myself to be hurt by a friendship, nor will it be the last, but unfortunately that doesn’t make this any less painful.

This is why I’m scared of becoming attached to people, I think. Because they’ll let you down.

The entire day has been full of mixed emotions. Around midday, Dad texted to congratulate me on my award. I think I almost burst into tears then. I would’ve preferred if he did stick around earlier on, but at least he did say something. Even if it was only over a text message.

As I said, I only broke down today because of a lot of things. The above is from today, but by no means is it the be all and end all of what’s bugging me. I’ve lost friends before. I’ve only kept one friend from primary school, for example. On the other hand, I do have a friend that I had since I was a very, very young child, but I’m not sure what I feel about her. I know how unimportant I am to her. I introduced her to her last boyfriend, and trust me when I say that I was pushed aside for him. So I’m hardly new to losing friends. Even so, I'm terrified about what'll happen to my social group with university. I’ll be going somewhere new, with no previous friends with me. Sure, I had to do the same thing when I started high school, but still.

I knew I was going to a different uni than everyone else. But recently two of my friends have been discussing moving interstate for their tertiary education. Obviously, I will not be following them. Don’t get me wrong, I am very happy for them. I wish I had the ambition to bother looking interstate rather than staying close to home. We need to seize every opportunity that comes our way, because we may never get a second chance. But… you know, it’s just so much more in-your-face now. It’s more obvious that we’re all going to be separated at the end of this year. Perhaps wanting them to go to the same university as me would only be delaying the inevitable.

Honestly, I can’t help but think that maybe it’d be less painful to start cutting ties now. To stop myself from becoming attached. The only person I’ve consistently been able to see in my future is Lainey. Three days ago this was playing on my mind for hours. All through class. As a child I’ve often heard that you need to get used to loss. Ask anyone. You don’t retain the same friends for your whole life.

Perhaps I should stop worrying about my social life and put all my effort into my school work. By doing that, it shouldn’t be such a sharp contrast when I start uni as a friendless nobody. It should be easier. Right?

...Right?

Ah, but, even so, I can’t bring myself to do that, and perhaps with good reason. When I did eventually break down today during last period, we ended up in a group hug. It was very hot (temperature wise, guys) and squished, but it was also really comforting. And every now and then someone would exclaim “this hurts” or “I think I’m pressing on your shoulder”.

I’ve never had the urge to laugh whilst trying to hide the tears before. It’s an odd feeling. A good feeling, but an odd one all the same. And you know, that did a lot more for me than being pitied or having to explain the situation to them ever could have.

These are the people I care about, and they actually care about me in return. Even if it would be easier to try and cut ties now... I'd rather not. Because, truth be told, I don’t want to lose them.

So… you know, the future is uncertain. And I don’t know where it’ll carry me. Where it’ll carry us. But maybe… maybe this is worth holding on to. At least for now.

Random fact: If you asked me in primary school who I thought would still be one of my closest friends in 5 years time, I would not have answered with Lainey. Hey, maybe this’ll be one of those situations. Maybe the people who keep in contact with me will surprise me greatly. Maybe they won’t. I shouldn’t worry about it, though. Why panic about what the future holds when I’ve got so many good things to hold onto in the present?

...Heh. I can’t possibly end on a positive note. Let me continue with my emo story from earlier. So there’s this other guy. I may have blogged about him before? I don’t know. Anyway, things have been… weird with him. We had… a thing, two years ago, but there have been issues that stopped us getting together. I kinda liked him on and off through last year, but… well, I realised while I was overseas that he really didn’t bother to keep in contact with me. I texted him a few times, and he hardly replied, even when I asked him to at least try to hold a conversation with me. For the entirety of those holidays I had little to no contact with him. Over the course of term one this year, I ended up moving on from him. So yeah, my reasons were basically that we didn’t keep contact and that he didn’t seem to care all that much.

And, oddly enough, he just texted me to ask if I was okay after being upset this afternoon.

God, the irony. I stopped caring because he didn’t text me or contact me, and now he’s messaging me out of the blue specifically to ask if I’m okay? Pfft. If there is a God, he must love messing with me.

Oh, and, before I forget, the third person that's really annoyed me today? She has a habit of hurting people. No joke, she seems to hurt everyone. And look, she’s never done anything to me. She’s definitely done things worthy of my disliking, but I’m pretty sure she’s never intentionally tried to harm me. Maybe I just needed someone else to hate today. Maybe I’m just sick of the crap she pulls on everyone else. I don’t know. But it certainly didn’t help things today. Then again, very little was going to help things today, so perhaps I should turn off the computer, crawl into bed and sleep away everything that’s happened. Yes. That sounds good right now.

If anyone needs me, I'll be the ball-shaped-thing under the covers.

The Sadness That is a Holiday.

Most people are excited to go on holiday. Me? Not so much. Well, okay, that's a lie. I love holidays. I just hate leaving the house on the holidays. Especially when the holiday destination(s) won't have internet.

I'm being forced to go on a cruise. I know what you're thinking. Oh no, you have to go on a free holiday (I'm not paying. That's what parents are for) and you get to relax and do nothing. What horror!

Yeah. Well. Shut it. It's not quite like that. Despite being 17, I'm being forced to go to the kids club. Which means I get to hang with a bunch of 12 year olds (pretty sure the younger ones get their own room) in a room full of xBoxes and colouring in books. I don't even like xBox. Now if there were PS3's or Wii's in the room, I might stop complaining.

Nah, really, that's not so bad, I guess. I'll have my laptop. I'll have my MP3 player. I'll have stuff to do. I'd just rather do it at home. Or in the cabin on the ship, if need be. Not with a bunch of pre-teens looking over my shoulder.

I'm also going to be forced to participate in, well, everything. Which includes things like Pirate Night where you dress up like a pirate. Playing dress up can be fun, but my parents are picking out costumes. Well, more to the point, Mum is. And I can't really participate. I'm under 18, so I can't go to the bars or anything. That's where all the drunk, foolish behaviour will be. I'll be, as I said, stuck with the pre-teens. Lovely.

Pretty sure my family is there to eat and do nothing else. There are some epic restaurants on board, sure, but I refuse to have three course meals for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Goddamn it, I can barely have one three course meal let alone three.

Maybe they're trying to fatten me up? It's Hansel and Gretel except with my sister and I.

I don't want to be eaten.

On the plus side, I now know how lame my wardrobe is. I have a suitcase full of jeans and one dress. Yeah, just jeans. And my T-shirts all proclaim either the name of a band or a logo/character from a Nintendo game. Well, I have a lonely The Big Bang Theory shirt, but that's the only odd one out, really.

Anyway, pre-teens and cruise boats aside, I've had some pretty good holidays thus far. I've met up with some friends twice. Once at the shopping centre, once at the beach. I can't believe I've never gone to the beach with friends before. We spent more time on public transport than we did in the sand, but who cares? It was very, very fun. Definitely a highlight of the year, I'd say. And we didn't even do much. We built a dodgy sandman/elephant/castle/thing and ate icecream. But whatever. I found it to be pretty dang epic. Even when our bus was late and we missed out train, we still found the entire thing to be entertaining.

I don't know how many people have struggled to play uno on the train without losing the cards over every bump, but I can now say that I have. And I am proud of it.

Oooh, something else worth mentioning. I am now watching the anime Soul Eater. I didn't expect to like it, but trust me when I say it is epic. The artwork is very Tim Burton-ish. I do love Tim Burton. The sun looks a bit like the moon from LoZ: Majora's Mask, actually. Anyway. I've only seen 13 episodes thus far (which is like, the entire series of Angel Beats!. Gotta love short anime) and I haven't been disappointed. The basic idea is that there are humans, and humans who can shapeshift into weapons. These 'weapons' find people to wield them (called meisters) and, as a pair (or, in one case, a threesome. Not in a suss way) gather the souls of witches and 'evil' humans. It's pretty good. For such a large cast, the characterisation is surprisingly good. It's a good series if you like dark humour and the contrast of kiddy-ish animation with slightly more adult concepts. I'll write more about it when I return from the cruise and have seen more than just 13 episodes.

Can you tell who the weapons are? It's a bit odd having humans as weapons, if you ask me. In a clockwise direction, starting with the guy in the yellow jacket, you have Soul Eater, Black Star, Tsubaki, Patti, Death the Kid, Liz and Blair (the cat). In the centre is Maka.

I'm actually enjoying the dub, funnily enough. K, so, maybe I started watching because of Todd Haberkorn. Whatever. I love that guy. I'll blog about him when I return as well.
On the cruise I shall restart the series with the sub and make comparisons. This might be another dub that I prefer, meaning that it can be put into the same category as Inuyasha. That's means it's a damn fine dub. Then again, recently I've discovered that I adore Funimation's dubs, so I may have to expand that section of my favourites.

This image is kind of maybe awesome.

Plan to alleviate boredom on the cruise:
- Watch Fruits Basket
- Watch Soul Eater
- Learn more Japanese (Specifically, learn the 'ii' adjectives, learn 4-stroke kanji and put together longer sentences)
- Write blogs while cruisin' it up
- Finish reading Wuthering Heights

Really, that should take quite awhile. Fruits Basket might not, but Soul Eater is 50 episodes long. Le Gasp! I'm watching something longer than 30 episodes! This is amazing.

Or not. I watched the entirety of Dragon Ball and Dragon Ball Z multiple times as a kid. But whatever.

I keep procrastinating with my Japanese study. Ho hum. Guess I should focus on that more, since I want to be a Japanese -> English interpreter/translator one day. Ii-Adjectives are a bitch to conjugate though. Why can't the be as easy as masu-adjectives?

Also, just for the hell of it, here's a screenshot of my desktop with my awesome Luigi's Mansion 2 wallpaper. I may as well show off my desktop occasionally, right? Why not?


Yeah, it's a bit cluttered, but whatever. I'll clean it up eventually. Hey! That's something else I can do on the cruise. xD

Emotive

(This is being written as I lie in bed about to fall asleep, so it's probably not going to make sense. Just a warning.)

Dad and I were discussing people again. Well, I brought up my confusion over emotions and all (as I tend to do) and he tried to make as much sense of it as he could for me. The conversation ended with this:
Me: Well, why do we feel the pain of others? If a book describes someone being in terrible emotional pain, we can feel it, right? But if it's physical pain, like a broken bone or torture, you don't really feel that as well. Not to the same degree. Why is that?
Dad: Physical pain is to do with nerves. Reading a book doesn't stimulate any nerve endings. But reading a book stimulates the brain, and I guess that's where emotions come from. At least, that's how I understand it.
Me: Right, okay, that makes sense. But still, why do we empathise?
Dad: Because we're... emotive creatures, I guess. It's just... we just do. It's not rational. It's not supposed to be.

Honestly, I think this is one of the few times my Dad hasn't even tried to come up with an answer.

So once again, I've been thinking too much. Now I'm on the topic of relationships. Pfft, great way to depress myself, right? Well, for once, no. I'm oddly positive. I wonder why. Chances are my mood is going to crash in the near future to make up for this. But anyway. Back onto the topic of love and whatnot.

You can care for someone deeply and share both their happiness and sorrow, and know that regardless of what happens, it's okay because it's them. That's not all that personal and can be applied to a lot of relationships. So... whatever. I think, when you start to love someone, it's because you love specific aspects of them, the things that set them apart from everyone else. Like the way a person thinks, or the way they speak, or perhaps just their smile. There's got to be something that is so decidedly them that you wouldn't be able to confuse it with anyone else. And you know, you might love them for those traits, but you'll also love them for the flaws. You can't have good characterisation in television without flaws, and the same goes for reality. You can't relate to someone if they're perfect. There's no depth to them, there's no substance. You can love someone for their strengths and weaknesses.

But still, that's not quite there. You can love someone, yes, but to be in love with someone, you've got to go a step further. If you're in love, it's because you love your own actions when you're around them. You'll act differently. When you're with someone you love (not just romantically, really) then you're going to act differently. We change depending on who we interact with. When you find someone who truly brings out the best in you, then you know you're with someone you need to hold on to. That's what I believe, anyway.

I also had a discussion with Clearly Unfocused, Phantomess and Miss Invisible today. We came to the conclusion that, whether it be romantic or platonic, every relationship we have needs to have issues. You need to have things in common, but there must be differences to stop things from becoming dull. To make conversation, you need to differ in opinion.
Also, without conflict, you become complacent and start to take things for granted. And that's when things fall apart. You need the conflict to keep you working. Once you stop working at a relationship, then you may as well give up completely. Of course, you don't want too much conflict. If you're always at each other's throats, then things aren't going to last. There's got to be a balance there.

Fff my eyes hurt. A lot. And I'm slouching from being active-ish all day. I was going to write a lot more, but I physically can't. Damn my weak physique and eyesight. I want to write crappy posts about love, dammit! Whatever.

"I love you, not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you."
-Roy Croft

Matters of the Heart

You know, I don't quite get the social animals thing. Yeah, as humans we just have this need to converse and befriend others, but... I don't quite see why. And there's so many people who claim to have a social phobia of some sort... How can a social creature have a social phobia? How? Why? Why why why why why?
I can't comprehend this.

For some reason, I can't help but try and figure out why we're social creatures. I mean, I can see the benefits, but I also see a lot of disadvantages to working in a group.
That said, when I consider my own friend and family, I certainly don't do things with them because I expect something in return. So there's obviously this other dynamic there that I just can't quite grasp. Or, perhaps I can grasp it, but I'm trying not to. I don't want to.
I know I've mentioned this before, but I think I have a co-dependency complex. I fear becoming co-dependent. And I think I try to reason everything I do so that I can monitor myself and make sure that I don't rely on others too much. Hence my confusion over all this.

I am horribly hypocritical about all that, though, because I also fear being alone. Go figure.

I'm not sure what I want. My feelings on all this tend to fluctuate quite often. There are times when I'll speak about nothing for hours with other people. Where I end up being very over the top. These are the times when I do love my physical contact, where hugs are just normal for me and I also enjoy play fights and whatever else. So long as I'm near someone else. And then there are the times when... I don't know, it's like there's a social 'switch' in me and someone has turned it off. I'll just not talk, not listen, shy away from the world and I'll even disappear off the internet. I'll flinch if someone prods me.

I don't quite understand any of that. I don't know why I sometimes crave the contact, both emotionally and physically. I don't know why there are other times where I feel slightly nauseous over just the prospect of being near someone.
Is it too much to ask for some consistency here?

Thing is, I only start to avoid others if I feel I've gotten too clingy. It's not really a conscious thing. I just stop. I think it was, once. I'd tell myself "yeah, okay, you're going too far" and I'd force myself to shy away from everyone else. It's just gotten to the point where I do it automatically.

Pretty sure it was never like this until after my last boyfriend. Romance isn't all it's cracked up to be if you do become dependent, I suppose. Then again, I guess I'm glad things ended up the way they did. Live and learn, and all that. Maybe this will save me from future issues.

Eh, still. I know I crave attention. I miss having someone to rely on. I miss having someone who was both a friend and more. I miss the little secrets that none of our friends were in on. I miss the times when just bumping shoulders or catching his gaze across the room would send shivers down my spine. Granted, I wouldn't want that with him anymore. That ship sailed long ago. ...That doesn't mean that I don't miss it, sometimes.

I berate myself for that. Hence why I now have days that I try to avoid others. To convince myself I don't want this anymore. I don't.

Lol co-dependency I don't even.

I guess that's more of a relationship thing, though. I mean, I've never been massively dependent on friends. I do avoid speaking to my friends quite often though. Perhaps my mind fails at deciphering between those that I'm close with and I can lean on without becoming dependent, and those that I end up needing as an emotional crutch to the point of me becoming completely clingy.

Random subject change: You know how people say that relationship matters come from the heart? I refuse to say that. They come from the mind too. The heart just pumps blood, right?
Even so, there's something about the heart that is so obviously romantic. Maybe because that's what pumps our blood, the essence of everything that makes us alive, through our very being. And it's tangible, as well. You can feel a heart beating.
You can't feel a brain thinking. And I think that's why hearts are always considered to be the epitome of our emotions. You can feel it. If you put your head to a persons chest, you can hear it. Also, when something terrible happens, you feel it in your chest, near the heart. You can feel that pain swell under the skin and spread throughout your torso. Your 'blood runs cold', as they say. And your ribcage suddenly feels too small, too constricting...

What causes that feeling, then? There we go, something else I don't understand. We all know when something horrible happens, so why do we need a physical reminder of the fact?

Why?

=_=

100 Things I Can Do

(Naturally, this will be followed up with 100 things I can't do)

1. Bend my back past 90 degrees and hold it there ^^
2. Watch nothing but anime all day and still feel accomplished
3. Eat an icecream cone without the use of my teeth (it's too cold. I break the cone with my tongue)
4. Digest supposedly non-edible substances (ie: plastic, paper, fabric, wood etc)
5. Yes, I mean digest. I have not ever found plastic or paper in my waste. Not that I've checked very thoroughly
6. Eat salt straight from the bottle. Lots of it.
7. Eat vegemite with a spoon
8. Relate any and all world news to Hetalia characters.
9. Build a split-level home on the Sims.
10. Build a (damn good) island home on the Sims.
11. Almost drive a car. Yeah.
12. Type the alphabet in under 3 seconds, according to Facebook.
13. Recite random quotes from T.S.Elliot, Winston Churchill and Douglas Adams.
14. Drink 12 cups of tea before midday and not need the bathroom until 4pm.
15. Sleep for 15 hours straight regardless of the sleep I've had before
16. Be awake for around 45 hours without falling asleep (I haven't tried to beat that yet...)
17. Drink an energy drink and not act any more energised
18. Start a 1000 word English assignment at 5am the day it's due and still get an A-
19. Start a Biology assignment 3 days before it's due and only get an A-
20. Start a Maths assignment a week before it's due and only get a B. =(
21. Recite Japanese Hiragana perfectly (not that that'll get me anywhere in Japan)
22. Get permission from teachers to hit other students (I still have permission to hit two students at this point in time)
23. Flirt with girls and not feel awkward
24. Flirt with a few guys and not feel awkward
25. There's one guy I can outright feel-up and not feel awkward
26. Feeling-up... amongst other things. Best guy-friend ever right thur
27. Wear jumpers in summer. I mean, real summer. Australian summer.
28. Memorise lyrics after hearing a song 5 times or so (depending on the song of course)
29. Take over a week to memorise the same length of school work.
30. Wear my sunglasses at night and kind-of sorta see
31. Eat nothing one day and three full meals the next, and not feel any better or worse off because of it.
32. If I try hard enough, I can bend over backwards and reach the floor.
33. If I don't try hard enough, I'll overbalance.
34. Still recall the names and episode numbers of my favourite Code Lyoko episodes.
35. Still recall the first fanfic I read and exact plot details
36. Give you a bunch of random Simpsons facts, despite not watching the show in years.
37. Tell you every song on every Radiohead album in order of tracklisting and when each album was released.
38. I could probably tell you the b-sides as well, actually.
39. Add Thom Yorke's solo album to that.
40. Play through Zelda: OoT from memory
41. Tell you every song from said game from memory.
42. Tell you about how tough I am and then lose a fight spectacularly.
43. Have the water in the shower so hot that I end up with light burns.
44. This happens almost every night in winter, actually.
45. Legit burns. Like, my skin ends up raw, red and overheated for the next couple of hours
46. Crack eight of my toes.
47. Crack what sounds like every bone in my left wrist.
48. Repeatedly.
49. Crack the bones between my hip and my thigh just by shifting my weight.
50. Continue defending myself long after realising how wrong I am.
51. Hit a guy and not worry too much about their physical health due to my actions
52. Chew around my nails until they bleed and not actually notice until I taste blood.
53. Tell people the above fact is an accomplishment to be proud of.
54. Wake up at 6am and not drink any fluids until 5pm
55. Suffer from massive headaches due to the above.
56. Walk for a few hours at a pace and not feel tired (on a flat surface)
57. Walk for 20 minutes at a pace if it's hilly.
58. Trick myself into believing that blogging is productive.
59. Bluff my way through tests if I 'forgot' to study
60. Lie, if it's something small.
61. Lie, if it's something really, really important.
62. Giggle uncontrollably if I try to lie about something in the middle of facts 60 & 61.
63. Like multiple guys at once.
64. Move on from one guy to the next over the course of a few days.
65. Or, if I'm really unlucky, end up liking the same guy for years.
66. Cross my eyes
67. Burp the alphabet. I think. I haven't tried for awhile because I always feel sick afterward.
68. Fake being sick
69. Find something sexual about everything, regardless of context. Hehe, 69.
70. Relate every statement back to 'ya mum' or 'your face'
71. Contradict both myself and the other person in an argument
72. Confuse the hell out of someone in an argument
73. Convince someone that the weather is a relevant factor in an argument.
74. I don't know if that last one is true, but I reckon I could do it.
75. Convince people I'm lesbian accidentally. I'm not, by the way.
76. Laugh in serious situations, especially if laughing would be considered offensive.
77. Not open something with my hands, but manage to pry it open with my teeth/jaw
78. Have total disregard for being on time
79. Have no concept of time in general
80. Brave any and every rollercoaster
81. Brave any and every rollercoaster just after eating (and not throw up)
82. Discuss bugs/sex/violence/gore at the dinner table and continue eating.
83. Sit in rather awkward ways for no apparent reason (it's comfortable for me, at least)
84. Curl up in similar awkward positions if it helps me retain body heat in winter
85. Sometimes I'll try to get into awkward positions for fun.
86. Sometimes I'll try to get into small spaces for fun.
87. Sometimes I'll try to climb into hard-to-reach places for fun.
88. Speak to my own limbs and not feel crazy.
89. Convince myself that the above point is okay because I do not imagine my limbs speaking back to me
90. Fall asleep without a teddy bear (though it's very lonely)
91. Watch sad movies and just feel bored
92. Watch happy movies and end up really saddened by the ending.
93. Invent stories for random members of the public.
94. Pretend each member of the public is a part of an organisation out to get me.
95. Interview myself for no apparent reason
96. Walk around the house speaking to someone despite no one actually being there.
97. Do this without needing to imagine an imaginary friend
98. Have total apathy for school and not end up failing ^^
99. Sleep on a broken bed, but struggle to sleep on a comfortable one
100. Write a list of 100 things I can do instead of sleeping like a normal person.

University

I have no idea what I'm going to do once high school is over.

Well, that's not true. I want to do languages. I want to learn Japanese. I want to be able to speak it fluently one day, and I'd like to do Italian at an intermediate level by the time I'm out of uni. I want to do a course that will help me get a job in translating and interpreting from Japanese into English. One day, I'll possibly translate from Italian into English as well. Maybe more languages. I also wouldn't mind doing linguistics.

No, a better way of phrasing that would be this; I have no idea what specific course I'm going to do once I'm finished with high school.

As you can see, I've listed a lot of stuff that I want to do, and there isn't one course that will cater to all of it. Therein lies the problem (lays the problem? Word tells me that it should be lays but I've always said lies because, well, that looks correct to me. Hm). I'm tentatively looking at one course currently. I've always questioned the validity of a BA degree but it's the only thing that truly fits what I'm wanting to do. So I'm currently aiming for a Bachelor of Arts in Languages and Applied Linguistics. I'll be specialising in Japanese, of course. Thing is, this isn't offered at my university of choice. It's offered at another good uni, but... well, I want to go to the same place as my friends.

Even if we grow apart (I really, really hope we don't), I still want to at least start at the same place with them. We'll have different classes, but I'll feel a little more confident just knowing they're at the same place as me.
Honestly, it was hard enough starting at high school on my own. I don't want to do that again.

Course and friend-placement issues aside, I am really looking forward to uni. I love learning Japanese, so I have a good feeling about studying it in a class. Perhaps I won't feel so bored during lessons. I might actually try for a change. I also think linguistics will be good because, with Japanese at least, one of my favourite things to study has been the grammar and syntax of the language. It's completely backwards in comparison to English. It's interesting. I also find conversations in Japanese to be a lot more efficient at getting the point across than in English. Well, excluding the pleasantries that you just can't get enough of when it comes to Japan, but I digress.

There's little I can do with language study here in Australia, but I figure that, if I'm not doing something I find interesting and fun, then there's no point in doing it. I refuse to do something I hate just because there may be plenty of career opportunities. I need to do something I enjoy. That something comes in the form of languages, for me.

I've heard the stories of university life. I assume college isn't that different, so I can throw those stories in there as well. But I'm trying to not go in with too many preconceptions. I don't want to end up disappointed, right? Even so, I'm holding onto the hope that the student body will be a lot happier and easier to get along with than those I've dealt with in high school. I'm also hoping that I'll get to socialise more. I'm hardly a social butterfly. If there's an event, I'll want to be in the centre of it... but I do get sick of it after awhile. I find myself wanting to leave parties early because I also need my alone time. So I doubt I'll be involved in huge gatherings every weekend. But I still want to go to some things. I want to go out to music concerts and see different performances. I want to actually have fun.

Yeah, I think I am getting my hopes too high still. But I can't help it. I'm looking forward to this all a little too much, I think. But you know, I like having something to look forward to. Even if that something is as nerdy as furthering your education.