I promised Lainey that I'd upload my post on my own religious views and other things that have been plaguing my mind recently, but I haven't really finished it. I still don't know what I think about life. I dunno if I'm just doing this soul searching thing incorrectly or what, but I'm kinda struggling. The post is half done, but not really finished and I can't bring myself to post it just yet.
I'm not sure I believe in anything, to be honest. I think there are supernatural forces, but I don't know what and I'm certainly not going to put any trust into them. I just believe in, you know, people, animals, the stuff we can see... I think we're connected, but by a God? I don't know. I just don't know. I wish I did.
I don't think anyone knows. That doesn't stop people from fighting, of course, but it just seems to me that there'll never be a winner. We can't prove anything. So why provoke others? Why post about things that supposedly prove or disprove your own beliefs (or lack thereof) when you know you're just going to piss someone off? I don't understand that.
It's been awhile since I last posted, but all my thoughts tend to turn angsty after writing for awhile, so I end up giving up half way through. I blame fanfiction for that. As a preteen I kind of mostly wrote angst. If it didn't turn out angsty, it didn't feel emotional enough for me. So I think my mind just automatically falls into that emotional state when I start writing, whether it be a fictional or non fictional piece I'm doing.
I found my old book of poetry from when I was younger... say, of the ages of 12 to 14 or so. That writing was mostly dark too, I guess. Some of it was actually quite good, but most wasn't. It's funny how I look back and just laugh at myself. It all meant so much at the time. Now it means nothing at all. I bet that, if I don't delete this soon enough, some point in the future I'll look back and laugh at everything I've written here.
Important at the time, not important in the long run. But that's the nature of things... of all things, really. No use dwelling on any of it.
I've recently resigned to the fact that I'm going to be on medication for the rest of my life. I've always had issues with hayfever, (as one of the more minor things), but I've recently gotten onto iron tablets and a range of multivitamins. The doctor still suspects that I'm having nutrient absorption issues, meaning that once we find out what's actually the problem, I'll end up on more meds to make sure I get everything I need. Which is great.
Kinda sad that I'll forever be relying on synthetic medication to keep myself going. No idea how that's going to work when I travel. I still want to get the hell out of this place, but how do you go about buying prescription drugs overseas? Are Australian prescriptions still valid in other countries? I'd hope so.
Would I actually be happier overseas, though? Would moving away from what's comfortable and familiar be better for me? I dunno. I just have this urge to keep moving, but I'm not sure if that's really a viable option. I'd have to settle down eventually (whether that be with a husband, wife or several cats, I'm not sure, but any of those options sound good). A person who needs medication to survive probably wouldn't do too well backbacking across Europe or living in a caravan and always on the move at the ripe old age of 60.
I've never liked the idea of growing old, but I guess that can't really be helped. You either die young or age, and I suppose the latter is probably the better option. I probably shouldn't even consider the former.
I think all this is why I'm into cosplay and roleplay, actually. You get to be someone else for a bit. You get to be someone younger, or older, or another gender, another species even... you just get to be someone you aren't. I'm pretty sure everyone gets bored of being themselves at some point. It can't be just me. And hey, maybe this is why I want to travel. I can reinvent myself at every new place. No one will know me. No one will expect me to do certain things or say certain things. I'll get to meet new people and experience completely new things all the time, right?
I think I'm driven by boredom.
Thing is, by staying in one place you get swept into everything that happens there. Suddenly stupid, meaningless things become important because there's nothing else to focus on. You run out of the interesting and have to make do with the mundane. I don't want that.
I still think I'm also driven by fear of turning into my Mother, who does spend her days talking about things she could've done, things she could've seen, but didn't, because she got married, had kids and settled into the dull, normal life that is expected of everyone. And you know, I still don't want kids. Maybe it's because I'm scared of hurting them like she's hurt me, or maybe it's because I don't want to be tied down to them like she was. I think it's a mixture of both. And I think, maybe I'm just not cut out for that sort of thing, anyway. The majority of the world suffers from overpopulation, why add to that if it's not something you want, or if it's something you think you'll screw up? I'll take care of my friends kids when they need me to. I'll probably keep pets. But I don't think I want my own children. If I do end up married in the future, then I guess the topic will come up, and I'll cross that bridge when I come to it, but... for the moment, no. It's not something I want, even in the future, and it's certainly not something that I need.
Hell, I'm not sure I want to get married. At all. I'm more of a romanticist than I'd like, and I miss the security of being in a relationship, but it also ties you down. I don't know. Just something else I'm not sure I'd want, and to be honest I have my own major reasons not to date. I've blogged about that before, though, so I won't discuss that again.
I don't think I'm anti-social, but, reading over this... I don't want to be tied to too much, I guess. I don't usually like being alone, and I'd like a very close friend to travel with, but I guess that's all. Just one person. Maybe more, depending on circumstances, but... right now, I think I'd like just someone to fill in the social void while I'm out exploring the world, and vice versa. And we could watch the sun come up before hitting the road again. We'd get lost in the streets of Venice and day dream on the beach for hours on end. And we'd drink to the new year with strangers we'll never remember, and learn the local stories from people with thick accents that we can hardly understand. We'd just travel, with no need to fill the silence needlessly or anything. Yeah. Something like that.
Showing posts with label relationship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationship. Show all posts
Jun 6, 2011
Matters of the Heart
You know, I don't quite get the social animals thing. Yeah, as humans we just have this need to converse and befriend others, but... I don't quite see why. And there's so many people who claim to have a social phobia of some sort... How can a social creature have a social phobia? How? Why? Why why why why why?
I can't comprehend this.
For some reason, I can't help but try and figure out why we're social creatures. I mean, I can see the benefits, but I also see a lot of disadvantages to working in a group.
That said, when I consider my own friend and family, I certainly don't do things with them because I expect something in return. So there's obviously this other dynamic there that I just can't quite grasp. Or, perhaps I can grasp it, but I'm trying not to. I don't want to.
I know I've mentioned this before, but I think I have a co-dependency complex. I fear becoming co-dependent. And I think I try to reason everything I do so that I can monitor myself and make sure that I don't rely on others too much. Hence my confusion over all this.
I am horribly hypocritical about all that, though, because I also fear being alone. Go figure.
I'm not sure what I want. My feelings on all this tend to fluctuate quite often. There are times when I'll speak about nothing for hours with other people. Where I end up being very over the top. These are the times when I do love my physical contact, where hugs are just normal for me and I also enjoy play fights and whatever else. So long as I'm near someone else. And then there are the times when... I don't know, it's like there's a social 'switch' in me and someone has turned it off. I'll just not talk, not listen, shy away from the world and I'll even disappear off the internet. I'll flinch if someone prods me.
I don't quite understand any of that. I don't know why I sometimes crave the contact, both emotionally and physically. I don't know why there are other times where I feel slightly nauseous over just the prospect of being near someone.
Is it too much to ask for some consistency here?
Thing is, I only start to avoid others if I feel I've gotten too clingy. It's not really a conscious thing. I just stop. I think it was, once. I'd tell myself "yeah, okay, you're going too far" and I'd force myself to shy away from everyone else. It's just gotten to the point where I do it automatically.
Pretty sure it was never like this until after my last boyfriend. Romance isn't all it's cracked up to be if you do become dependent, I suppose. Then again, I guess I'm glad things ended up the way they did. Live and learn, and all that. Maybe this will save me from future issues.
Eh, still. I know I crave attention. I miss having someone to rely on. I miss having someone who was both a friend and more. I miss the little secrets that none of our friends were in on. I miss the times when just bumping shoulders or catching his gaze across the room would send shivers down my spine. Granted, I wouldn't want that with him anymore. That ship sailed long ago. ...That doesn't mean that I don't miss it, sometimes.
I berate myself for that. Hence why I now have days that I try to avoid others. To convince myself I don't want this anymore. I don't.
Lol co-dependency I don't even.
I guess that's more of a relationship thing, though. I mean, I've never been massively dependent on friends. I do avoid speaking to my friends quite often though. Perhaps my mind fails at deciphering between those that I'm close with and I can lean on without becoming dependent, and those that I end up needing as an emotional crutch to the point of me becoming completely clingy.
Random subject change: You know how people say that relationship matters come from the heart? I refuse to say that. They come from the mind too. The heart just pumps blood, right?
Even so, there's something about the heart that is so obviously romantic. Maybe because that's what pumps our blood, the essence of everything that makes us alive, through our very being. And it's tangible, as well. You can feel a heart beating.
You can't feel a brain thinking. And I think that's why hearts are always considered to be the epitome of our emotions. You can feel it. If you put your head to a persons chest, you can hear it. Also, when something terrible happens, you feel it in your chest, near the heart. You can feel that pain swell under the skin and spread throughout your torso. Your 'blood runs cold', as they say. And your ribcage suddenly feels too small, too constricting...
What causes that feeling, then? There we go, something else I don't understand. We all know when something horrible happens, so why do we need a physical reminder of the fact?
Why?
=_=
I can't comprehend this.
For some reason, I can't help but try and figure out why we're social creatures. I mean, I can see the benefits, but I also see a lot of disadvantages to working in a group.
That said, when I consider my own friend and family, I certainly don't do things with them because I expect something in return. So there's obviously this other dynamic there that I just can't quite grasp. Or, perhaps I can grasp it, but I'm trying not to. I don't want to.
I know I've mentioned this before, but I think I have a co-dependency complex. I fear becoming co-dependent. And I think I try to reason everything I do so that I can monitor myself and make sure that I don't rely on others too much. Hence my confusion over all this.
I am horribly hypocritical about all that, though, because I also fear being alone. Go figure.
I'm not sure what I want. My feelings on all this tend to fluctuate quite often. There are times when I'll speak about nothing for hours with other people. Where I end up being very over the top. These are the times when I do love my physical contact, where hugs are just normal for me and I also enjoy play fights and whatever else. So long as I'm near someone else. And then there are the times when... I don't know, it's like there's a social 'switch' in me and someone has turned it off. I'll just not talk, not listen, shy away from the world and I'll even disappear off the internet. I'll flinch if someone prods me.
I don't quite understand any of that. I don't know why I sometimes crave the contact, both emotionally and physically. I don't know why there are other times where I feel slightly nauseous over just the prospect of being near someone.
Is it too much to ask for some consistency here?
Thing is, I only start to avoid others if I feel I've gotten too clingy. It's not really a conscious thing. I just stop. I think it was, once. I'd tell myself "yeah, okay, you're going too far" and I'd force myself to shy away from everyone else. It's just gotten to the point where I do it automatically.
Pretty sure it was never like this until after my last boyfriend. Romance isn't all it's cracked up to be if you do become dependent, I suppose. Then again, I guess I'm glad things ended up the way they did. Live and learn, and all that. Maybe this will save me from future issues.
Eh, still. I know I crave attention. I miss having someone to rely on. I miss having someone who was both a friend and more. I miss the little secrets that none of our friends were in on. I miss the times when just bumping shoulders or catching his gaze across the room would send shivers down my spine. Granted, I wouldn't want that with him anymore. That ship sailed long ago. ...That doesn't mean that I don't miss it, sometimes.
I berate myself for that. Hence why I now have days that I try to avoid others. To convince myself I don't want this anymore. I don't.
Lol co-dependency I don't even.
I guess that's more of a relationship thing, though. I mean, I've never been massively dependent on friends. I do avoid speaking to my friends quite often though. Perhaps my mind fails at deciphering between those that I'm close with and I can lean on without becoming dependent, and those that I end up needing as an emotional crutch to the point of me becoming completely clingy.
Random subject change: You know how people say that relationship matters come from the heart? I refuse to say that. They come from the mind too. The heart just pumps blood, right?
Even so, there's something about the heart that is so obviously romantic. Maybe because that's what pumps our blood, the essence of everything that makes us alive, through our very being. And it's tangible, as well. You can feel a heart beating.
You can't feel a brain thinking. And I think that's why hearts are always considered to be the epitome of our emotions. You can feel it. If you put your head to a persons chest, you can hear it. Also, when something terrible happens, you feel it in your chest, near the heart. You can feel that pain swell under the skin and spread throughout your torso. Your 'blood runs cold', as they say. And your ribcage suddenly feels too small, too constricting...
What causes that feeling, then? There we go, something else I don't understand. We all know when something horrible happens, so why do we need a physical reminder of the fact?
Why?
=_=
Mar 16, 2011
Thoughts of a Boy-Obsessed Mind
...it doesn't have the same ring as the vacant mind title, does it?
As can be seen from previous posts, I like making lists. I big like making lists. 総目録が大すきです。
Google translate says that means 'I like large general catalog'. I love you, Google translate.
So anyway, I have decided to make another list. I was reading some of my friends blogs and thought "hey, let's make a list on the type of guys I like!"
I wouldn't rule a guy out because he doesn't make the criteria (it's not like I choose who I like now, is it?) but this is just, you know, general stuff I tend to notice.
I should totally test guys before I date them. I'll make a questionnaire for them with important stuff like do you have a good sense of humour? Are you likely to do something idiotic? What are your opinions on drugs and alcohol? Do you know what lolcats are?
I'd totally make them write an essay on why they'd be a good boyfriend, and then I'd assemble some judges who will rate the essay and, using some complex system, will decide whether this boy is worth my time or not. ツ
Ahem. Anyway. Here are my dot points.
Appearance:
- I don't like muscles. At all. They creep me out.
- Height isn't a big thing, though I do like guys who are taller than me
- I love me some red hair. Black hair is also stunning and attractive.
- I do like skinniness. Not anorexic skinny, just thin-enough-that-it-looks-like-they-could-snap. Yes, there is a difference.
- Strangely enough, I'm still into slight chubbiness as well. I guess size isn't that important (double entendre not completely intended).
- Piercings... eh... no thanks. Same for tattoos.
- I like my scene boys, but most of them turn out to be jerks so...
- I don't like body hair =/
- I don't like broad shoulders.
- I've always loved pale skin. I have three friends that are really pale, and I am so jealous.
- I love eyes. Big, round eyes. Especially in blue or green. (Random fact: my favourite sims all have red hair and mostly green eyes.)
- Just to completely go against those last two dot points, I do lust over quite a few Japanese men. This is probably just a side effect of my current obsession with Japanese culture.
- Especially Japanese men in Visual Kei clothing.
This is ナイトメア［Ｎａｉｔｏｍｅａ］, also known as Nightmare. The short guy in the middle? That, my friends, is Yomi. I would tap that so hard.
Personality
- Just to be generic, I like a boy with a sense of humour.
- I also like brains. No, I'm not a zombie (though sometimes I do appear to have a vacant mind. Title drop!). I like someone with a good head on their shoulders. No, no, I don't have some sort of head fetish. I like... um... intelligence. There we go.
- Alright, screw this, I need a paragraph here.
I do like my nerd boys. This is independent from the intelligence line, by the way. I like my fandom nerds. And video game nerds. If you have a conversation with me, chances are I'll at some point bring up TVTropes, anime, fanfiction.net, Nintendo, or possibly some sort of band. You're going to be a bit of a nerd if you can talk to me about the first four.
If I ever find a boyfriend who'll cosplay with me... my life will be complete.
Back to dot points.
- My humour is kind of... sexual. Guys, you need to know when I'm joking around, k?
- This will seem really bad, but I don't like being treated like a chick. If you playfully shove me I'll assume you see me as being on your level, rather than below you. Thus, I'll be more likely to befriend you.
- I like arguments. Be opinionated, but not forceful. Don't tell me I'm wrong, give me reasoning as to why you're correct and I'm not.
- Don't be offended easily.
- Seriously, back to the nerd thing. If I tell you that the Zelda games are linked by a split-universe theory that stems from when Zelda sent Link back to the past during Ocarina of Time. There are two continuities; the child link one, and the adult link one. For the child timeline to work, you have to assume that Link alerted the King of Hyrule to Ganondorf's intentions before leaving for Termina, allowing them to banish him to the Sacred Realm, thus creating the Twilight Realm etc etc, you'd better be able to keep up with me and either agree with me, or give me some damn good arguments as to why I'm wrong. And maybe come up with some extra theories with me. If I find a man who will theorise VG plots and timelines with me, I will love him forever.
Honestly, though, a lot of that can be discarded. If I find a guy who is funny, not easily offended and isn't going to look down on me in any way, I'll be happy. But, then again, the heart works in mysterious ways. I could fall for someone who is overly-muscular, dislikes videogames, is rather serious and doesn't like arguments. Who knows?
That'd be kind of unfortunate, though... Here, have an image for no apparent reason.
Sad banana is sad =(
As can be seen from previous posts, I like making lists. I big like making lists. 総目録が大すきです。
Google translate says that means 'I like large general catalog'. I love you, Google translate.
So anyway, I have decided to make another list. I was reading some of my friends blogs and thought "hey, let's make a list on the type of guys I like!"
I wouldn't rule a guy out because he doesn't make the criteria (it's not like I choose who I like now, is it?) but this is just, you know, general stuff I tend to notice.
I should totally test guys before I date them. I'll make a questionnaire for them with important stuff like do you have a good sense of humour? Are you likely to do something idiotic? What are your opinions on drugs and alcohol? Do you know what lolcats are?
I'd totally make them write an essay on why they'd be a good boyfriend, and then I'd assemble some judges who will rate the essay and, using some complex system, will decide whether this boy is worth my time or not. ツ
Ahem. Anyway. Here are my dot points.
Appearance:
- I don't like muscles. At all. They creep me out.
- Height isn't a big thing, though I do like guys who are taller than me
- I love me some red hair. Black hair is also stunning and attractive.
- I do like skinniness. Not anorexic skinny, just thin-enough-that-it-looks-like-they-could-snap. Yes, there is a difference.
- Strangely enough, I'm still into slight chubbiness as well. I guess size isn't that important (double entendre not completely intended).
- Piercings... eh... no thanks. Same for tattoos.
- I like my scene boys, but most of them turn out to be jerks so...
- I don't like body hair =/
- I don't like broad shoulders.
- I've always loved pale skin. I have three friends that are really pale, and I am so jealous.
- I love eyes. Big, round eyes. Especially in blue or green. (Random fact: my favourite sims all have red hair and mostly green eyes.)
- Just to completely go against those last two dot points, I do lust over quite a few Japanese men. This is probably just a side effect of my current obsession with Japanese culture.
- Especially Japanese men in Visual Kei clothing.
This is ナイトメア［Ｎａｉｔｏｍｅａ］, also known as Nightmare. The short guy in the middle? That, my friends, is Yomi. I would tap that so hard. Personality
- Just to be generic, I like a boy with a sense of humour.
- I also like brains. No, I'm not a zombie (though sometimes I do appear to have a vacant mind. Title drop!). I like someone with a good head on their shoulders. No, no, I don't have some sort of head fetish. I like... um... intelligence. There we go.
- Alright, screw this, I need a paragraph here.
I do like my nerd boys. This is independent from the intelligence line, by the way. I like my fandom nerds. And video game nerds. If you have a conversation with me, chances are I'll at some point bring up TVTropes, anime, fanfiction.net, Nintendo, or possibly some sort of band. You're going to be a bit of a nerd if you can talk to me about the first four.
If I ever find a boyfriend who'll cosplay with me... my life will be complete.
Back to dot points.
- My humour is kind of... sexual. Guys, you need to know when I'm joking around, k?
- This will seem really bad, but I don't like being treated like a chick. If you playfully shove me I'll assume you see me as being on your level, rather than below you. Thus, I'll be more likely to befriend you.
- I like arguments. Be opinionated, but not forceful. Don't tell me I'm wrong, give me reasoning as to why you're correct and I'm not.
- Don't be offended easily.
- Seriously, back to the nerd thing. If I tell you that the Zelda games are linked by a split-universe theory that stems from when Zelda sent Link back to the past during Ocarina of Time. There are two continuities; the child link one, and the adult link one. For the child timeline to work, you have to assume that Link alerted the King of Hyrule to Ganondorf's intentions before leaving for Termina, allowing them to banish him to the Sacred Realm, thus creating the Twilight Realm etc etc, you'd better be able to keep up with me and either agree with me, or give me some damn good arguments as to why I'm wrong. And maybe come up with some extra theories with me. If I find a man who will theorise VG plots and timelines with me, I will love him forever.
Honestly, though, a lot of that can be discarded. If I find a guy who is funny, not easily offended and isn't going to look down on me in any way, I'll be happy. But, then again, the heart works in mysterious ways. I could fall for someone who is overly-muscular, dislikes videogames, is rather serious and doesn't like arguments. Who knows?
That'd be kind of unfortunate, though... Here, have an image for no apparent reason.
Sad banana is sad =(
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