Random Inexplicable Illness

I woke up early this morning to continue working on an assignment. I was fine at first, but not long after my parents got up, I started to feel terrible and perhaps a little apprehensive. I had the urge to move, and the more I sat still, the worse I felt. The urge to throw up only left after I stood up and paced the hallway.

I feel very, very sick, and I don’t believe it’s the usual, physical kind of sick. If that were the case, I’d most likely need to stay lying down, or, depending on what I had, either eat more, or eat less. I’m fine eating. I don’t feel hungry, or not hungry. There’s nothing else really wrong with me unless you count the return of my insomnia or this weird apprehension that’s settled in my stomach. It doesn’t feel like the weird digestion problems I usually have. It doesn’t feel like anything I’ve ever had before, to be honest.

No, this illness is different. I just need to move, otherwise I feel queasy and the apprehension sets in strongly, to the point of genuine fear. Of what I’m scared of, I have no clue. Relations with my parents are surprisingly good at the moment. I’m procrastinating at school, but that’s never worried me before. I’ve always been prepared to face an E grade because, with how late I start things, I’ve always known there’d be a high chance of it. Hell, I’ve had plenty of E's in the past. So I’m not scared about failing this assignment.

The only thing I can think of is this soloists concert tonight that I’m playing at, but I’ve never felt scared of playing this early before I go on stage. Usually I don’t feel a thing until I’m almost ready to face the audience. That’s when I start shaking and panicking, of course, but... there’s almost 12 hours before I go perform (as of the time I started writing this) and... I feel really, really scared.

It’s weird. And the fear is just making the sickness worse, and that sickness seems to intensify said fear. If this doesn’t let up, I’m hardly going to be able to do my assignment or perform, so the timing of this is splendid.

I need to move but I can’t, because I need to work and that involves sitting at a desk. There’s nothing I can do about that.

I’m wondering where the hell all this weirdness is coming from, and if any of my emotions are linked to this. Gradually over the last two years I’ve become complacent, uncaring and bored with everything. Over the last few weeks I’ve felt the trust I always had between myself and both friends and family decline dramatically. Even my Dad isn’t immune to this. He’s someone that I’ve always held in an extremely high regard, someone I’ve always looked up to and trusted with all my heart. Now I find myself questioning everything he says and avoiding eye contact. Why?

I don’t think its paranoia, per se, because I certainly don’t think he wants to do anything bad to me. I don’t think anyone I know wants to harm me, and if they did it’d be talking behind my back (something I know happens anyway, and I’ve never cared before), so I'm certain it's not related to that.

I can’t sleep, I can’t focus, I can’t keep myself trusting, I can’t speak to anyone about it, and I’m starting to think that I actually feel legitimately sick because of it.

I still have no explanation for this massive fear, though. I have never felt anything like this before. Not like the fear on a roller coaster or something. It’s just this steady, building feeling that something terrible is going to happen and I know it, but I can’t consciously grab onto whatever it is that I know about. And the longer I wait, the worse I feel.

I’d talk to people, but of the people I usually talk to, half of them are oddly happy right now, and the other half are seriously not. I don’t want to ruin that happiness, and I certainly don’t want to impose on someone who’s already upset about something. So I’m not sure who I’d talk to about this. Once again, amazing timing on my part.

I just... I’m scared. And I don’t know why. I’m sick, tired and scared, and I can’t control it. I can’t just tell myself it’s fine, because it’s not.

I am not in the right frame of mind to do work right now, but it’s the start of term. I can hardly give up already.

I don’t even know what the hell is wrong with me anymore.

Do You Ever Get the Urge to Just Run, Run and Get Gone?

I promised Lainey that I'd upload my post on my own religious views and other things that have been plaguing my mind recently, but I haven't really finished it. I still don't know what I think about life. I dunno if I'm just doing this soul searching thing incorrectly or what, but I'm kinda struggling. The post is half done, but not really finished and I can't bring myself to post it just yet.

I'm not sure I believe in anything, to be honest. I think there are supernatural forces, but I don't know what and I'm certainly not going to put any trust into them. I just believe in, you know, people, animals, the stuff we can see... I think we're connected, but by a God? I don't know. I just don't know. I wish I did.

I don't think anyone knows. That doesn't stop people from fighting, of course, but it just seems to me that there'll never be a winner. We can't prove anything. So why provoke others? Why post about things that supposedly prove or disprove your own beliefs (or lack thereof) when you know you're just going to piss someone off? I don't understand that.

It's been awhile since I last posted, but all my thoughts tend to turn angsty after writing for awhile, so I end up giving up half way through. I blame fanfiction for that. As a preteen I kind of mostly wrote angst. If it didn't turn out angsty, it didn't feel emotional enough for me. So I think my mind just automatically falls into that emotional state when I start writing, whether it be a fictional or non fictional piece I'm doing.
I found my old book of poetry from when I was younger... say, of the ages of 12 to 14 or so. That writing was mostly dark too, I guess. Some of it was actually quite good, but most wasn't. It's funny how I look back and just laugh at myself. It all meant so much at the time. Now it means nothing at all. I bet that, if I don't delete this soon enough, some point in the future I'll look back and laugh at everything I've written here.

Important at the time, not important in the long run. But that's the nature of things... of all things, really. No use dwelling on any of it.

I've recently resigned to the fact that I'm going to be on medication for the rest of my life. I've always had issues with hayfever, (as one of the more minor things), but I've recently gotten onto iron tablets and a range of multivitamins. The doctor still suspects that I'm having nutrient absorption issues, meaning that once we find out what's actually the problem, I'll end up on more meds to make sure I get everything I need. Which is great.
Kinda sad that I'll forever be relying on synthetic medication to keep myself going. No idea how that's going to work when I travel. I still want to get the hell out of this place, but how do you go about buying prescription drugs overseas? Are Australian prescriptions still valid in other countries? I'd hope so.

Would I actually be happier overseas, though? Would moving away from what's comfortable and familiar be better for me? I dunno. I just have this urge to keep moving, but I'm not sure if that's really a viable option. I'd have to settle down eventually (whether that be with a husband, wife or several cats, I'm not sure, but any of those options sound good). A person who needs medication to survive probably wouldn't do too well backbacking across Europe or living in a caravan and always on the move at the ripe old age of 60.
I've never liked the idea of growing old, but I guess that can't really be helped. You either die young or age, and I suppose the latter is probably the better option. I probably shouldn't even consider the former.

I think all this is why I'm into cosplay and roleplay, actually. You get to be someone else for a bit. You get to be someone younger, or older, or another gender, another species even... you just get to be someone you aren't. I'm pretty sure everyone gets bored of being themselves at some point. It can't be just me. And hey, maybe this is why I want to travel. I can reinvent myself at every new place. No one will know me. No one will expect me to do certain things or say certain things. I'll get to meet new people and experience completely new things all the time, right?

I think I'm driven by boredom.

Thing is, by staying in one place you get swept into everything that happens there. Suddenly stupid, meaningless things become important because there's nothing else to focus on. You run out of the interesting and have to make do with the mundane. I don't want that.

I still think I'm also driven by fear of turning into my Mother, who does spend her days talking about things she could've done, things she could've seen, but didn't, because she got married, had kids and settled into the dull, normal life that is expected of everyone. And you know, I still don't want kids. Maybe it's because I'm scared of hurting them like she's hurt me, or maybe it's because I don't want to be tied down to them like she was. I think it's a mixture of both. And I think, maybe I'm just not cut out for that sort of thing, anyway. The majority of the world suffers from overpopulation, why add to that if it's not something you want, or if it's something you think you'll screw up? I'll take care of my friends kids when they need me to. I'll probably keep pets. But I don't think I want my own children. If I do end up married in the future, then I guess the topic will come up, and I'll cross that bridge when I come to it, but... for the moment, no. It's not something I want, even in the future, and it's certainly not something that I need.

Hell, I'm not sure I want to get married. At all. I'm more of a romanticist than I'd like, and I miss the security of being in a relationship, but it also ties you down. I don't know. Just something else I'm not sure I'd want, and to be honest I have my own major reasons not to date. I've blogged about that before, though, so I won't discuss that again.

I don't think I'm anti-social, but, reading over this... I don't want to be tied to too much, I guess. I don't usually like being alone, and I'd like a very close friend to travel with, but I guess that's all. Just one person. Maybe more, depending on circumstances, but... right now, I think I'd like just someone to fill in the social void while I'm out exploring the world, and vice versa. And we could watch the sun come up before hitting the road again. We'd get lost in the streets of Venice and day dream on the beach for hours on end. And we'd drink to the new year with strangers we'll never remember, and learn the local stories from people with thick accents that we can hardly understand. We'd just travel, with no need to fill the silence needlessly or anything. Yeah. Something like that.

Sup Little Me

Recently I've been doing a bit of... uh, self-discovery stuff. I feel that I have to with all the shit going down in my life at the moment, from minor friend dramas to stressful school stuff to utterly painful family arguments.
I'm feeling pretty put down, to be honest. I've been putting myself down, and my mother has been making me feel terrible, and I dunno. I just feel really bad. So I've decided to try and... I dunno, figure stuff out. About me. About why I should feel bad about myself, but also (and more importantly) why I shouldn't.
It's all been pretty difficult. I probably haven't been the most exciting person to be around recently, so kudos to those who have tried to help and have asked what's wrong. Hell, this is aimed even to those that haven't really spoken to me about things, but have at least tried to be there for me. It means a lot.

Hm. Anyway. I've also been trying to figure out stuff with religion, because I don't really know what I believe in and I think I should probably start figuring that out.
I wrote a blog post about that today in Biology as my internet wasn't working. I don't have it with me, but I will upload it. Eventually.

ClearlyUnfocused wrote a letter to her year eight self in her last blog post, and I think I will do the same. Why? Because I screwed up a lot in past years and I think there are a lot of things I'd like to tell myself, even if only hypothetically.

***

GoJo,
Yeah. That's your name. It won't be for at least another year, but someone important to you will help you realise the awesomeness that is the name (and soap brand) "GoJo". Don't question it. Just go with it.
You're starting year eight. You're a new kid. You're no longer the school nerd. You aren't the vice captain or the school band leader or any of that. You're just a kid. A stranger to everyone else.
You won't really be the school nerd here. You're going to take a crack at being a bit more popular instead, as strange as that sounds. I'm going to say go for it, because it's a great learning experience, and you get to take a glimpse at a world that you'll never quite fit in with.

Here's something that I really, really needed to hear as a 13 year old. Something I think I knew, but didn't want to accept.
You won't see your old friends in the future, really. You'll see them once more. Just once.
Yeah. Once. That's it.
The only friend you will retain from primary school is one that you didn't actually talk to much throughout year 7. You won't talk to her much this year, either. But trust me when I say she becomes a lifeline later on. Her friendship will be unexpected. Don't reject it. I have little more to say. She will become your best friend.

This year is going to be messed up. You'll get a proper boyfriend. Really. The girl you start talking to about The Sims? She'll tease you about being flatchested, date the boy you will end up dating for a good two years and take away your first friend from this school.
But you won't hate her. You could never hate her, though I've no idea why. Don't worry about it. Just... don't look up to her. Don't try to be her. That's all the advice I can offer you here.

That first friend that ditches you for the girl above? The one you see on the bus? She's not worth your time. Don't bother with her. She will hurt you.

Don't give up saxophone. Look through your music. See the song Pineapple Custard Tango? The one you found really easy? Yeah, you fall behind so much that it becomes difficult. You struggle to relearn it. Don't let this happen. Please.
You used to be the band geek. I'm not anymore, but I'm certain that you can be.

There are two things I need to share. Desperately.
1. You will have a bout of self-harming about 3/4 of the way through the year. One of the girls will find out and only one person will defend you. Stick with him. For the love of God, please, stick with him. You'll need him desperately later. He's strange, he's childish, he's smart, he's naive... he's also strong, and kind, and the sort of person you'll want to rely on later. He'll need you a lot in the future. Do not forget how he defended you. He wouldn't hesitate to help you again. Never take that for granted.
Truly, he's the closest person you have to the friends you had in primary school. You want a friend who's dorky, nerdy and hilariously immature? Yeah, he's it. You know your two best friends from primary school? Yeah, he's both of them rolled into one, but so much more.
2. Look beyond your classroom. The people you connect with are not here. They are not in your form group.
I'm not saying you should disregard these guys completely. I definitely think you should date the dorky guitar-player. You'll have doubts now, but trust me when I say he is amazing. Befriend his friends, learn about them, because they'll get you through year 9. But once things fall apart with them (and trust me, your friendships will be shaky at best), you'll want to find others.
You will find them in the other class. Really.

Other things you need to know.
- Don't let peer pressure force you to do something you don't want to. The guy you will date for 2 years? He won't be your first kiss if you allow yourself to be pushed around by others. This hurts him more than you. Trust me.
- That said, don't become co-dependent. You don't need a boyfriend.
- Start building relationships now. You probably can't see it now, but Mum's mental state will deteriorate. Harshly. Your father will be a pillar of strength for you, but you'll also need your friends.
- Not everyone wants to hear about your love of video games and anime. That's how you lose a lot of friends in your first two years here, believe it or not. This is why you need to look towards the other class.
- Not everyone wants to read your fanfiction, either. For now, keep your online life and your school life separate.
- Don't let that blond chick get you down. Yeah, you're flatchested now, but her words will mean nothing later. Trust me, you'll get your boobs. Heh. That said, enjoy being flatchested while you can. It's difficult to climb trees or run around when you aren't.
- You're going to grow out of books. Yes. It's possible. I'm sorry. I am truly sorry. I don't know how to prevent this.
- Start looking at languages. I can't stress this enough. Hey, you know your anime? Imagine being able to watch it in the original language. Imagine playing Pokemon the way it was created. Imagine reading manga without relying on a translation.

Languages become very important to you later. Learn Japanese. Live it. Love it. Your great-grandmother, Oma, loved Italian. Adored it. Aunty V loves Italy. Go listen to Italian and get a feel for it. Start learning that too, if you'd like. Get a head start. One day, you'll want to base your careers off of language.

This year is going to be a rollercoaster. If it does end up anything like my first year (which, me being you, it will) then you will change friend groups a lot. You will date a couple of different guys. You will go to many parties. You will experience fights (both physical and emotional) and you will start to ignore your studies in favour of improving your social life. You will be hit on, and you will also be hit in a physical sense. You will be hated and insulted, but you will also be complimented and, in some rare cases, loved. You will learn to love yourself more, but you'll also learn to hate yourself a lot.

It will be a bumpy road, but it will be worth it.

And look, the first two years here really will teach you a lot. And year 10 will be hell. It will suck. You will hate it. But there's a light at the end of every tunnel.

This will mean nothing to you now, but read this section when you turn 15.

That pale kid who made the website? Yeah, the one who amazed you by spelling your last name correctly. Believe it or not, you really need to pay attention to him, because Science Club with him will be your only refuge for at least two terms. School will be terrible. Home will be terrible. Science Club will be enjoyable and one of the only times you will smile in the first half of this year. While you probably don't mean much to him, he will mean a lot to you for this (whether he knows it or not). There will come a time when you literally will have no one to sit with. He's the guy you'll see, and his group (featuring the rest of this list) will soon become your own.

You know those two girls in band? You spoke to them a few times in year 9. They will, with your insistence, start watching anime. Yes, you are not alone here. They will become your kindred spirits. They will be the girls you fangirl with. The ones you talk about music, television and crushes with. The ones you eventually look up to and trust with almost everything you have to say.
They become the replacements for your primary school friends, in the end. So you know how damn special they are. I don't need to elaborate any more than this.

The quiet violin player that your fellow choir member used to point out? He will help you get into languages. He will have so much in common with you. It'll take awhile before you really talk to him. No, he doesn't hate you, though you will think that at first. He's just quiet. Once you do start talking to him, you'll discover how alike you two really are. He's very open. He loves countries. He's so overly kind and considerate. Don't overlook him. Ever.

Be strong, ignore the bad things, learn to accept the good things and remember that life goes on.

I Should Be Used to All This

Me: Hey, Grandma (Dad's mum) sent a postcard to Dad from Canada. I wonder why it didn't arrive with ours?
Mum: I didn't get one.
Me: ...mm.
Mum: Fucking rude bitch.
Me: Excuse me? She isn't your mother.
Mum: That's hardly the point.

Oh for God's sake, woman. Your husband's mother sent him a postcard. Get over it. Your jealousy knows no bounds.

You know, I can understand her being upset. But, really, I don't want to hear her swearing about other family members. Being family, I feel like I need to defend them. But then I'd be defending them from another family member, which makes me feel like I'm taking sides. I don't want to do that.

Still cleaning my room. I have newfound inspiration to throw everything out, now. When I can afford to move out, I won't need to worry about packing, because I'll have very little. That's the plan. Brb shoving all the junk in my cupboard into a garbage bag.

I really think the main thing that keeps me going is the fact that one day, I can move out. I know she'll sob and ask me to stay. I know she'll pretend that the last few years were of no consequence. That's fine. I'll still leave.
The thing that keeps me going is that, one day, I'll be able to turn to her and say fuck you. I'm not putting up with your bullshit anymore and leave.

Pffft I can hear her talking to Dad about me now. This should annoy me but I'm bitching about her too so whatever.
I think Dad's defending me. ♥

...I shouldn't blog when in a bad mood. It just turns out whiny and emo-sounding. My day wasn't that bad. I have a terrible headache and my motivation for school still hasn't returned, but... well, it didn't completely suck.

On another note, some guy was hitting on me at the shops today. I was waiting for Mum and he came and sat next to me. I could've moved away, but I didn't want to be rude, and he was a big, scary guy and I kinda wanted to stay as still as possible and hope he didn't notice me (oh, fear, how little sense you make). So I didn't move. He decided to talk to me.
All I learnt about him was that he plays football and is currently here on a visa. The rest of the conversation was, unfortunately, centred on me. He asked me a bunch of questions (we didn't have a proper conversation. I was a little too terrified to say much) like "what are you studying", " have you ever traveled" and "do you have a boyfriend".

Me: No.
Him: Why not?
Me: Ah... I don't know. They don't like me? Heh, nah, I dunno, I guess it's not really a good time to focus on relationships anyway.
Him: Yeah, I guess. I bet you're too good for them anyway. Hey, do you have facebook? Can I add you?

...er.

I mean, I feel flattered. He spoke to me for a whole hour about... well, everything. For no reason. It was... odd, but nice. I still feel kinda creeped out that this guy just started talking to me though.

The end of the conversation was kinda fun.

Him: You're quiet.
Me: Hm? Ah, sorry.
Him: Are you scared of me?
Me: ...uh? I, um, not... not really. It's just... I don't talk to strangers often. I don't know what to say.
Him: You can say anything to me. I do understand though.
Me: Hm. It's kinda awkward.
Him: Yeah. A little.

This is why I'll never be able to pick up guys. Never.

Why You Shouldn't Care For People

Reasons I shouldn’t drive when angry;

1. I accelerate faster

2. I end up having extremely sucky clutch control

3. I think I end up with tunnel vision. I definitely wasn’t using my peripheral vision.

4. I turn too sharply.

5. I grip the steering wheel slightly too tight, which makes it harder to turn the wheel or hit the indicator.

6. I occasionally get the urge to swerve into the other lane. Just to see how everyone else would react.

Poor ClearlyUnfocused was with me, and after dropping her off my Dad was still in the car, so clearly I wasn’t going to attempt number 6. Doesn’t mean that I didn’t think about it though.

----------------------------

Today has been shit.

The entire week has been, actually.

Nothing unusual. There are three people who are really annoying and/or hurting me, two of which have often annoyed and/or hurt me in the past. The only reason this is different is because;

a. There’s a third person now

b. I’ve felt rather ill, with it getting progressively worse as the day has gone on

c. Unlike most other times, there are many, many things plaguing my mind right now, and I think it’s just… built up a little too much, maybe.

Everything attacked me all at once today, it seems. This really sucks.

Anyway, the start of the day was fine. Mum seemed agitated, but that’s not unusual. There was an awards ceremony and I got a bronze academic award. Not great, but hardly bad. It would’ve been terrible enough for me to get really upset back in primary school, but these days I don’t usually get anything at all. So I’m happy.

My parents didn’t stick around to congratulate me, though. I ended up chilling with Phantomess and her Dad instead. Before that, though, I did look for my ‘rents. I hung back before entering the library where we had morning tea. I then checked the library itself. After that I looked over the carpark only to see that my parents most certainly were not there.

...If that’s not a clear representation of the relationship between my parents and I, then I don’t know what is.

I’m not that proud of my award. I could’ve done better, but I didn’t. I don’t really feel the need to make a big deal of it, nor do I really want to show it off. But I did want my parents to at least say something to me afterwards.

This lack of encouragement was just made all the more obvious when one of my friends (the same bastard I’m usually complaining about) made sure to congratulate the girl next to me, but didn’t say a word to me. Thanks. Fucker.

Sigh. He’s not exactly the most emotionally able. That said… surely he can understand how confused and hurt I am by him? This is the same kid who became one of my best friends only 5 months ago only to pointedly ignore me after. Just because he has never emotionally invested himself into a friendship, doesn’t mean that I haven’t. He may not understand this, but it hurts a lot when he talks to everyone except me. When he offers things to those around me, but not to me. When he says the exact same things he used to say to me to someone else, as if it wasn’t something we’d previously talked about. When someone else sits where I used to sit, and laughs and jokes around with him like we used to while I sit in silence away from him.

Yeah. It fucking hurts. I’ve always found it difficult to explain human emotion. I can’t say where, or why, or how it hurts, only that it does. It’s not the first time I’ve allowed myself to be hurt by a friendship, nor will it be the last, but unfortunately that doesn’t make this any less painful.

This is why I’m scared of becoming attached to people, I think. Because they’ll let you down.

The entire day has been full of mixed emotions. Around midday, Dad texted to congratulate me on my award. I think I almost burst into tears then. I would’ve preferred if he did stick around earlier on, but at least he did say something. Even if it was only over a text message.

As I said, I only broke down today because of a lot of things. The above is from today, but by no means is it the be all and end all of what’s bugging me. I’ve lost friends before. I’ve only kept one friend from primary school, for example. On the other hand, I do have a friend that I had since I was a very, very young child, but I’m not sure what I feel about her. I know how unimportant I am to her. I introduced her to her last boyfriend, and trust me when I say that I was pushed aside for him. So I’m hardly new to losing friends. Even so, I'm terrified about what'll happen to my social group with university. I’ll be going somewhere new, with no previous friends with me. Sure, I had to do the same thing when I started high school, but still.

I knew I was going to a different uni than everyone else. But recently two of my friends have been discussing moving interstate for their tertiary education. Obviously, I will not be following them. Don’t get me wrong, I am very happy for them. I wish I had the ambition to bother looking interstate rather than staying close to home. We need to seize every opportunity that comes our way, because we may never get a second chance. But… you know, it’s just so much more in-your-face now. It’s more obvious that we’re all going to be separated at the end of this year. Perhaps wanting them to go to the same university as me would only be delaying the inevitable.

Honestly, I can’t help but think that maybe it’d be less painful to start cutting ties now. To stop myself from becoming attached. The only person I’ve consistently been able to see in my future is Lainey. Three days ago this was playing on my mind for hours. All through class. As a child I’ve often heard that you need to get used to loss. Ask anyone. You don’t retain the same friends for your whole life.

Perhaps I should stop worrying about my social life and put all my effort into my school work. By doing that, it shouldn’t be such a sharp contrast when I start uni as a friendless nobody. It should be easier. Right?

...Right?

Ah, but, even so, I can’t bring myself to do that, and perhaps with good reason. When I did eventually break down today during last period, we ended up in a group hug. It was very hot (temperature wise, guys) and squished, but it was also really comforting. And every now and then someone would exclaim “this hurts” or “I think I’m pressing on your shoulder”.

I’ve never had the urge to laugh whilst trying to hide the tears before. It’s an odd feeling. A good feeling, but an odd one all the same. And you know, that did a lot more for me than being pitied or having to explain the situation to them ever could have.

These are the people I care about, and they actually care about me in return. Even if it would be easier to try and cut ties now... I'd rather not. Because, truth be told, I don’t want to lose them.

So… you know, the future is uncertain. And I don’t know where it’ll carry me. Where it’ll carry us. But maybe… maybe this is worth holding on to. At least for now.

Random fact: If you asked me in primary school who I thought would still be one of my closest friends in 5 years time, I would not have answered with Lainey. Hey, maybe this’ll be one of those situations. Maybe the people who keep in contact with me will surprise me greatly. Maybe they won’t. I shouldn’t worry about it, though. Why panic about what the future holds when I’ve got so many good things to hold onto in the present?

...Heh. I can’t possibly end on a positive note. Let me continue with my emo story from earlier. So there’s this other guy. I may have blogged about him before? I don’t know. Anyway, things have been… weird with him. We had… a thing, two years ago, but there have been issues that stopped us getting together. I kinda liked him on and off through last year, but… well, I realised while I was overseas that he really didn’t bother to keep in contact with me. I texted him a few times, and he hardly replied, even when I asked him to at least try to hold a conversation with me. For the entirety of those holidays I had little to no contact with him. Over the course of term one this year, I ended up moving on from him. So yeah, my reasons were basically that we didn’t keep contact and that he didn’t seem to care all that much.

And, oddly enough, he just texted me to ask if I was okay after being upset this afternoon.

God, the irony. I stopped caring because he didn’t text me or contact me, and now he’s messaging me out of the blue specifically to ask if I’m okay? Pfft. If there is a God, he must love messing with me.

Oh, and, before I forget, the third person that's really annoyed me today? She has a habit of hurting people. No joke, she seems to hurt everyone. And look, she’s never done anything to me. She’s definitely done things worthy of my disliking, but I’m pretty sure she’s never intentionally tried to harm me. Maybe I just needed someone else to hate today. Maybe I’m just sick of the crap she pulls on everyone else. I don’t know. But it certainly didn’t help things today. Then again, very little was going to help things today, so perhaps I should turn off the computer, crawl into bed and sleep away everything that’s happened. Yes. That sounds good right now.

If anyone needs me, I'll be the ball-shaped-thing under the covers.

Rambling is a Funny Word

You know what I hate? When you go to input a password, and the computer is like THIS PASSWORD IS TOO SHORT/WEAK/ETC and tells me to change it. It's like, dude, it's my security, I don't give a damn, GIVE ME MY BLOODY PASSWORD. ASDFGHJKL

I also hate when the school computers tell you to change your password every few weeks and won't let you repeat one. My last password was ILikeCake. The one before that was qwertyuiop and before that I had asdfghjkl. The one before that was ComputerPW4. Before that came ComputerPW3, ComputerPW2 and ComputerPW.

Dad's password was FridgeMagnet before he changed it.

I just got a new computer. Well, it's not really new. It's a collection of old things put together to make a working computer. Sort of like patchwork or something. There's all sorts of stuff in there. Anyway, the wallpaper rotates between a bunch of images. These images are all bright and, no joke, full of rainbows, love hearts, little animals and household appliances with big grins. I got this computer from my dad. This is weird. I need to go find a new wallpaper.

In Rome, it's illegal to keep a fish in a fish bowl. Really. I can't help but imagine this in the Hetalia universe... Spain was probably chillin' with Romano, and was like "Roma~" and Romano was probably like "shut up bastard, go do my paperwork or something, make yourself useful" and then Spain would've been all "okay" because he's a nice guy like that. And while working he was probably thinking about how sad and lonely fish look when in fish bowls and then he went and made fish bowls illegal in Rome. It totally sounds like something Spain would do =3

I just rambled at Dad for about 10 minutes. I mustn't have made much sense, because he interrupted me to say "I'm glad you go back to school tomorrow. You need to learn something so that your brain starts working again". Ouch.

I've been listening to Megaherz recently, and someone on Twitter told me to look up Oomph! because they are similar. I told Dad about this. This is what Dad has to say about all German industrial metal:

Me: [...]and then I looked up this other metal band-
Dad: Language?
Me: German.
Dad: Oh! So it all sounds like Rammstein?
Me: ... =_=

Pretty sure Rammstein is only popular because their lyrics are so horrifying. Brb Wikipedia-ing

"In addition, the songs "Amerika", "Stirb nicht vor mir//Don't Die Before I Do," and "Pussy" contain lyrics in English. The song "Moskau" ("Moscow") contains a chorus in Russian, and they sing some of their own songs entirely in Russian (including but not only Pussy, and the Russian song штиль). "Te quiero puta!" is entirely in Spanish. Oliver Riedel commented that, "German language suits heavy metal music. French might be the language of love, but German is the language of anger.""

Whoooo languages. My family mostly speak the language of anger. I think that is awesome. Also, lol, French is the language of love. Yeah, well, y'all know my opinion on that.
Speaking of which, I've heard some damn fine French metal, so you know....


I am so guilty of this. I also have the tendency to fill up my desktop completely and then think "whoops, I can't see my wallpaper anymore". My solution? Highlight everything, create a folder called Desktop and move everything into said folder. This is great, except I end up filling my desktop again and have to create another desktop folder. I have a folder on my desktop called 'desktop'. Inside of that folder is another folder called 'desktop'. Inside that is another folder called 'desktop'. I don't know how far this goes. I should count that one day.

Anyway. It gets really bad when you do open up these 'desktop' folders, because a lot of them are full of files that I have titled by slamming my keyboard. I didn't realise that this was a bad idea until I went to find an assignment only to discover that I had a good 30 word documents with titles like "awenfahngf asdkngfasd" and "okijergrgtre08jgnrt".

It's pretty cool when I go to title something with "dfihydsfsdgfe" and it's like "you already have a document titled dfihydsfsdgfe". That's only happened once to me so far, though. I also name all the blocks in my Sims game by whacking the keyboard, so in the town of "vc" I have houses named "fsd" "t" "324" and "t43g".

Heh. Reading that was great fun because 'words' like "dfihydsfsdgfe" are read as gibberish in my mind. I actually pronounce something in my head (usually something random that probably sounds nothing like the word I'm trying to read). I don't know why that interests me.

There's some carbon tax being implemented here in Australia. I didn't care much until I heard that it's going to affect costs of airline tickets (which should've been obvious but I fail at life so shut the hell up). Aw assballs. This has ruined my day. I mean, yeah, it's only an extra $3, but still. That $3 could make or break a holiday, you know!

I'm thinking about getting a Tumblr account. I don't really know how it works, but I keep finding hilarious images on there so... Plus I kinda use Tumblr for shipping goodness. You know when you find a page full of random stuff about your favourite ship? And you react by grinning and hugging whatever's nearby?

Yeah. Yeah, it's sorta like that.

I've been doing that all day while browsing Tumblr. All day. It's friggin' awesome. ♥

I've noticed that everyone seems to like Earl Grey tea. Except me. I'll go to someone's place and it's like "would you like some tea" and I say yes, and then they say "sugar, milk, honey, anything?" and I always say "No, thank you" and then they go ahead and make it. That's great. So far so good, yeah? But I've noticed that, even if they have a vast range of different types of tea in their cupboard (My Grandma has something like 6 or 7), they always assume that I'll want Earl Grey. No one ever asks. They just go "oh, yeah, everyone likes that one".
Goddamn it.

By the way, if you ever say tea cup in a British accent (one of the posh accents, I mean), I will never take you seriously ever again. Just so you all know.

Oh! So if you bite both ends of a Tim Tam and dip one end into your tea/coffee/hot beverage and suck the other, like a straw, you end up melting the middle of it (yes, that should be obvious, but really, who actually thinks I'm going to use my Tim Tam as a straw!???) and it is amazing. It just... I don't know, but something about melted Tim Tam is so damn good. Om nom nom.

You know how the Bad Touch Trio/Bad Friends Trio/Prussia, Spain and France are depicted in fanworks? I don't know how to explain it, but there's just this degree of crazy idiotic absolutely insane awesome to everything they do. They're always shown as really comfortable with each other and doing stupid stuff to each other that you should probably get slapped for and I dunno, it's just epic, and I want friends just like that k thanks ^_^

Yes. Super-Obama is featuring in my dreams tonight guize.

La Bella Lingua

A few days ago I started writing about the top languages that I wanted to learn (I will post that eventually, by the way). Most of you probably know that, at uni, I'll be studying Japanese and Italian, and after uni I might have a go at German (there's no way in hell I'll ever be fluent at all three of course, but it'd be nice to know some basic German on the side, right?) or Macedonian. Truthfully, Sicilian would probably be my ultimate favourite, but where the hell would I learn that?
Usually I fangirl over Japanese because it's different to English, it's very rounded and pretty sounding, their writing system is a lot more creative than the Roman alphabet could ever be and... well, anime and manga is originally written in Japanese, so it must be good. I adore Japan, and I really, really love the language. Unfortunately, it's just me. My family are... well, they're accepting of it, but they aren't fans of the country at all, and most of my friends are into other languages and cultures. Not that that's bad; it's always good to be an individual. It just makes it hard to truly fangirl when you don't have anyone to fangirl with. I can fangirl at them, but that's hardly the same.

Anyway. As I outlined in my language blog post that I have not posted yet (whoops), my great grandmother, who knew seven languages or something, loved Italian the most. I found out a few days ago that her daughter, my grandmother, loves traveling around Italy. I don't know where Italy is in comparison to all the other countries she seems to love, but it's definitely somewhere near the top of her favourites list.

I started to see a trend here, so I pestered my aunts on the other side of my family to see their opinions. As it turns out, they love Italy even more. One of them told me that Italy was her absolute favourite place, especially Sicily. Which is brilliant because it really seems that Sicily doesn't get the love it deserves (neither does the language, but that's a rant for another time).
I told her that I wanted to go to Italy and Spain at some point. She replied with "Spain is brilliant. It was this atmosphere that you have to love. But Italy will always be my favourite. It's beautiful. It has such amazing landscapes, and it has this really extensive history you just end up immersed in. The language is really pretty, too."

...well then.

I'm easily influenced, so I've started to look up more on the country and the language. I've always adored Italian. Pfft, they say France is the country of l'amour, but it's got nothing on how romantic Italian can sound. As I said earlier, I love Japan. My interest in Japanese culture will always top my interest in Italian culture. But when it comes to the languages, Italian may actually come up on top. It's more melodic and bright sounding, and the consonants are just so much sharper and more crisp.

Er, I'll stop fangirling over that now. I spent awhile looking at different places in Italy (Rome is gorgeous and Venice is so one-in-a-kind, but I still love the entirety of Sicily~) and then started looking up a heap of words. Why not add some Italian to my vocabulary, right? I like to think of it as getting a head start on my uni stuff. Yeah. That's my excuse.

Anyway, today I have decided that andiamo is one of my favourite words. It means let's go, basically, but to me it sounds a bit more urgent. It's a very pretty word. It just rolls off the tongue so easily. I dunno, I just like it a lot. Is it bad that I first heard the word through Hetalia?
I've also learnt that Italians use the term che cavolo as something similar to "what the hell". Thing is, it literally translates to what cabbage. So next time something weird and befuddling happens, make sure to exclaim what the cabbage?!?, alright? ^_^

Ti amo, hai capito? ♥ I absolutely adore how this sounds. Heh.
Italiano; la bella lingua indeed.

Family Dramaz

So Dad went off at Mum. Properly. Finally. I don't know what's going on. I went walking with Dad this arvo (as I usually do) and got the lowdown on what's happening.

We recently went on a cruise (obv.) and Granddad (Dad's family) asked how it went. Mum went on and on. A lot. And eventually said "You could never be bored!". Apparently Dad made a strange facial expression at this, which Granddad pointed out, and Mum became irreversibly angry. Over a facial expression. Yesterday morning she yelled at Dad about never enjoying anything. The rest of the conversation is as follows. Sort of. It's paraphrased. And colour-coded for your convenience.

Dad: I don't enjoy anything because I can't. I'm always walking on eggshells with you. I can't do anything. I can't say anything. Everything I do or say gets turned against me.
Mum: I don't understand what I've done wrong. So what, you're miserable here?
Dad: Yes. I am.
Mum: So why do you stick around? Is it for me, or the kids?
Dad: It's for the kids.
Mum: Then you can fuck off and get out of my house.
Dad: Gladly.

Pretty sure it was more angry than that, but I'm in a mellow mood, as was Dad when he explained it to me, so it's probably changed a bit. Also, Dad said "it's for the kids, so you can take that to the bank" but in the words of my Dad, "I'm not really sure what that's supposed to mean. I mean, you can go to the bank and say 'hey, my husband's only at home for the children', but I don't think they'd say much other than 'lady, can you please leave'. I said it a few times but didn't really think about what it meant. Oh well, it was said in a fit of anger".

Anyway, that afternoon:

Mum: Do you love me?
Dad: ...you don't make yourself very lovable.
Mum: What's that supposed to mean?
Dad: You're quick to judge, you're offensive, you don't care about the feelings of others and you are easy to anger.
Mum: Offensive?
Dad: Put it this way. If I said 'I think your Dad drinks to much', which is a very, very mild example, you'd be offended, right?
Mum: I guess.
Dad: I wouldn't think it, and I would never say it. But you do think these things, and you do say them. About my family, about those around me, and about the friends of your kids. Do you even think about how that makes us feel?
Mum: I'm not the only person who gets angry in the world.
Dad: No, there are others. But I wouldn't live with them, either.

Thanks for sticking up for my friends, Dad ^_^
Anyway, then Mum came in yesterday with this.

Mum: Your father doesn't care about me and is only here for you. So. I guess that's it.
Me: 'It'. Define 'it' for me.
Mum: Just it. You know. It.
Me: Um.
Mum: ...
Me: ...

You can understand the awkwardness. After that I went on Twitter with a "Whaaat" type message.

Anyway, according to Dad, they are going to discuss things later. Dad said he was fully expecting to be looking at rental properties tonight. Actually, he skipped dinner in slept in a sleeping bag last night... So I dunno what's going on. Mum's being overly nice, Dad looks confused, goddamn they don't even like each other what the hell. I don't know.

Drama is always interesting, I guess. It's really sad how nonchalant both my father and I are about this. Actually, so is my sister. When she heard what was going on, she actually said, word for word, "Oh, really? Let me do this thing first and then I'll disconnect from the Minecraft server, k?"

I am so proud of my little nerd sister

Emotive

(This is being written as I lie in bed about to fall asleep, so it's probably not going to make sense. Just a warning.)

Dad and I were discussing people again. Well, I brought up my confusion over emotions and all (as I tend to do) and he tried to make as much sense of it as he could for me. The conversation ended with this:
Me: Well, why do we feel the pain of others? If a book describes someone being in terrible emotional pain, we can feel it, right? But if it's physical pain, like a broken bone or torture, you don't really feel that as well. Not to the same degree. Why is that?
Dad: Physical pain is to do with nerves. Reading a book doesn't stimulate any nerve endings. But reading a book stimulates the brain, and I guess that's where emotions come from. At least, that's how I understand it.
Me: Right, okay, that makes sense. But still, why do we empathise?
Dad: Because we're... emotive creatures, I guess. It's just... we just do. It's not rational. It's not supposed to be.

Honestly, I think this is one of the few times my Dad hasn't even tried to come up with an answer.

So once again, I've been thinking too much. Now I'm on the topic of relationships. Pfft, great way to depress myself, right? Well, for once, no. I'm oddly positive. I wonder why. Chances are my mood is going to crash in the near future to make up for this. But anyway. Back onto the topic of love and whatnot.

You can care for someone deeply and share both their happiness and sorrow, and know that regardless of what happens, it's okay because it's them. That's not all that personal and can be applied to a lot of relationships. So... whatever. I think, when you start to love someone, it's because you love specific aspects of them, the things that set them apart from everyone else. Like the way a person thinks, or the way they speak, or perhaps just their smile. There's got to be something that is so decidedly them that you wouldn't be able to confuse it with anyone else. And you know, you might love them for those traits, but you'll also love them for the flaws. You can't have good characterisation in television without flaws, and the same goes for reality. You can't relate to someone if they're perfect. There's no depth to them, there's no substance. You can love someone for their strengths and weaknesses.

But still, that's not quite there. You can love someone, yes, but to be in love with someone, you've got to go a step further. If you're in love, it's because you love your own actions when you're around them. You'll act differently. When you're with someone you love (not just romantically, really) then you're going to act differently. We change depending on who we interact with. When you find someone who truly brings out the best in you, then you know you're with someone you need to hold on to. That's what I believe, anyway.

I also had a discussion with Clearly Unfocused, Phantomess and Miss Invisible today. We came to the conclusion that, whether it be romantic or platonic, every relationship we have needs to have issues. You need to have things in common, but there must be differences to stop things from becoming dull. To make conversation, you need to differ in opinion.
Also, without conflict, you become complacent and start to take things for granted. And that's when things fall apart. You need the conflict to keep you working. Once you stop working at a relationship, then you may as well give up completely. Of course, you don't want too much conflict. If you're always at each other's throats, then things aren't going to last. There's got to be a balance there.

Fff my eyes hurt. A lot. And I'm slouching from being active-ish all day. I was going to write a lot more, but I physically can't. Damn my weak physique and eyesight. I want to write crappy posts about love, dammit! Whatever.

"I love you, not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you."
-Roy Croft