I Should Be Used to All This

Me: Hey, Grandma (Dad's mum) sent a postcard to Dad from Canada. I wonder why it didn't arrive with ours?
Mum: I didn't get one.
Me: ...mm.
Mum: Fucking rude bitch.
Me: Excuse me? She isn't your mother.
Mum: That's hardly the point.

Oh for God's sake, woman. Your husband's mother sent him a postcard. Get over it. Your jealousy knows no bounds.

You know, I can understand her being upset. But, really, I don't want to hear her swearing about other family members. Being family, I feel like I need to defend them. But then I'd be defending them from another family member, which makes me feel like I'm taking sides. I don't want to do that.

Still cleaning my room. I have newfound inspiration to throw everything out, now. When I can afford to move out, I won't need to worry about packing, because I'll have very little. That's the plan. Brb shoving all the junk in my cupboard into a garbage bag.

I really think the main thing that keeps me going is the fact that one day, I can move out. I know she'll sob and ask me to stay. I know she'll pretend that the last few years were of no consequence. That's fine. I'll still leave.
The thing that keeps me going is that, one day, I'll be able to turn to her and say fuck you. I'm not putting up with your bullshit anymore and leave.

Pffft I can hear her talking to Dad about me now. This should annoy me but I'm bitching about her too so whatever.
I think Dad's defending me. ♥

...I shouldn't blog when in a bad mood. It just turns out whiny and emo-sounding. My day wasn't that bad. I have a terrible headache and my motivation for school still hasn't returned, but... well, it didn't completely suck.

On another note, some guy was hitting on me at the shops today. I was waiting for Mum and he came and sat next to me. I could've moved away, but I didn't want to be rude, and he was a big, scary guy and I kinda wanted to stay as still as possible and hope he didn't notice me (oh, fear, how little sense you make). So I didn't move. He decided to talk to me.
All I learnt about him was that he plays football and is currently here on a visa. The rest of the conversation was, unfortunately, centred on me. He asked me a bunch of questions (we didn't have a proper conversation. I was a little too terrified to say much) like "what are you studying", " have you ever traveled" and "do you have a boyfriend".

Me: No.
Him: Why not?
Me: Ah... I don't know. They don't like me? Heh, nah, I dunno, I guess it's not really a good time to focus on relationships anyway.
Him: Yeah, I guess. I bet you're too good for them anyway. Hey, do you have facebook? Can I add you?

...er.

I mean, I feel flattered. He spoke to me for a whole hour about... well, everything. For no reason. It was... odd, but nice. I still feel kinda creeped out that this guy just started talking to me though.

The end of the conversation was kinda fun.

Him: You're quiet.
Me: Hm? Ah, sorry.
Him: Are you scared of me?
Me: ...uh? I, um, not... not really. It's just... I don't talk to strangers often. I don't know what to say.
Him: You can say anything to me. I do understand though.
Me: Hm. It's kinda awkward.
Him: Yeah. A little.

This is why I'll never be able to pick up guys. Never.

Why You Shouldn't Care For People

Reasons I shouldn’t drive when angry;

1. I accelerate faster

2. I end up having extremely sucky clutch control

3. I think I end up with tunnel vision. I definitely wasn’t using my peripheral vision.

4. I turn too sharply.

5. I grip the steering wheel slightly too tight, which makes it harder to turn the wheel or hit the indicator.

6. I occasionally get the urge to swerve into the other lane. Just to see how everyone else would react.

Poor ClearlyUnfocused was with me, and after dropping her off my Dad was still in the car, so clearly I wasn’t going to attempt number 6. Doesn’t mean that I didn’t think about it though.

----------------------------

Today has been shit.

The entire week has been, actually.

Nothing unusual. There are three people who are really annoying and/or hurting me, two of which have often annoyed and/or hurt me in the past. The only reason this is different is because;

a. There’s a third person now

b. I’ve felt rather ill, with it getting progressively worse as the day has gone on

c. Unlike most other times, there are many, many things plaguing my mind right now, and I think it’s just… built up a little too much, maybe.

Everything attacked me all at once today, it seems. This really sucks.

Anyway, the start of the day was fine. Mum seemed agitated, but that’s not unusual. There was an awards ceremony and I got a bronze academic award. Not great, but hardly bad. It would’ve been terrible enough for me to get really upset back in primary school, but these days I don’t usually get anything at all. So I’m happy.

My parents didn’t stick around to congratulate me, though. I ended up chilling with Phantomess and her Dad instead. Before that, though, I did look for my ‘rents. I hung back before entering the library where we had morning tea. I then checked the library itself. After that I looked over the carpark only to see that my parents most certainly were not there.

...If that’s not a clear representation of the relationship between my parents and I, then I don’t know what is.

I’m not that proud of my award. I could’ve done better, but I didn’t. I don’t really feel the need to make a big deal of it, nor do I really want to show it off. But I did want my parents to at least say something to me afterwards.

This lack of encouragement was just made all the more obvious when one of my friends (the same bastard I’m usually complaining about) made sure to congratulate the girl next to me, but didn’t say a word to me. Thanks. Fucker.

Sigh. He’s not exactly the most emotionally able. That said… surely he can understand how confused and hurt I am by him? This is the same kid who became one of my best friends only 5 months ago only to pointedly ignore me after. Just because he has never emotionally invested himself into a friendship, doesn’t mean that I haven’t. He may not understand this, but it hurts a lot when he talks to everyone except me. When he offers things to those around me, but not to me. When he says the exact same things he used to say to me to someone else, as if it wasn’t something we’d previously talked about. When someone else sits where I used to sit, and laughs and jokes around with him like we used to while I sit in silence away from him.

Yeah. It fucking hurts. I’ve always found it difficult to explain human emotion. I can’t say where, or why, or how it hurts, only that it does. It’s not the first time I’ve allowed myself to be hurt by a friendship, nor will it be the last, but unfortunately that doesn’t make this any less painful.

This is why I’m scared of becoming attached to people, I think. Because they’ll let you down.

The entire day has been full of mixed emotions. Around midday, Dad texted to congratulate me on my award. I think I almost burst into tears then. I would’ve preferred if he did stick around earlier on, but at least he did say something. Even if it was only over a text message.

As I said, I only broke down today because of a lot of things. The above is from today, but by no means is it the be all and end all of what’s bugging me. I’ve lost friends before. I’ve only kept one friend from primary school, for example. On the other hand, I do have a friend that I had since I was a very, very young child, but I’m not sure what I feel about her. I know how unimportant I am to her. I introduced her to her last boyfriend, and trust me when I say that I was pushed aside for him. So I’m hardly new to losing friends. Even so, I'm terrified about what'll happen to my social group with university. I’ll be going somewhere new, with no previous friends with me. Sure, I had to do the same thing when I started high school, but still.

I knew I was going to a different uni than everyone else. But recently two of my friends have been discussing moving interstate for their tertiary education. Obviously, I will not be following them. Don’t get me wrong, I am very happy for them. I wish I had the ambition to bother looking interstate rather than staying close to home. We need to seize every opportunity that comes our way, because we may never get a second chance. But… you know, it’s just so much more in-your-face now. It’s more obvious that we’re all going to be separated at the end of this year. Perhaps wanting them to go to the same university as me would only be delaying the inevitable.

Honestly, I can’t help but think that maybe it’d be less painful to start cutting ties now. To stop myself from becoming attached. The only person I’ve consistently been able to see in my future is Lainey. Three days ago this was playing on my mind for hours. All through class. As a child I’ve often heard that you need to get used to loss. Ask anyone. You don’t retain the same friends for your whole life.

Perhaps I should stop worrying about my social life and put all my effort into my school work. By doing that, it shouldn’t be such a sharp contrast when I start uni as a friendless nobody. It should be easier. Right?

...Right?

Ah, but, even so, I can’t bring myself to do that, and perhaps with good reason. When I did eventually break down today during last period, we ended up in a group hug. It was very hot (temperature wise, guys) and squished, but it was also really comforting. And every now and then someone would exclaim “this hurts” or “I think I’m pressing on your shoulder”.

I’ve never had the urge to laugh whilst trying to hide the tears before. It’s an odd feeling. A good feeling, but an odd one all the same. And you know, that did a lot more for me than being pitied or having to explain the situation to them ever could have.

These are the people I care about, and they actually care about me in return. Even if it would be easier to try and cut ties now... I'd rather not. Because, truth be told, I don’t want to lose them.

So… you know, the future is uncertain. And I don’t know where it’ll carry me. Where it’ll carry us. But maybe… maybe this is worth holding on to. At least for now.

Random fact: If you asked me in primary school who I thought would still be one of my closest friends in 5 years time, I would not have answered with Lainey. Hey, maybe this’ll be one of those situations. Maybe the people who keep in contact with me will surprise me greatly. Maybe they won’t. I shouldn’t worry about it, though. Why panic about what the future holds when I’ve got so many good things to hold onto in the present?

...Heh. I can’t possibly end on a positive note. Let me continue with my emo story from earlier. So there’s this other guy. I may have blogged about him before? I don’t know. Anyway, things have been… weird with him. We had… a thing, two years ago, but there have been issues that stopped us getting together. I kinda liked him on and off through last year, but… well, I realised while I was overseas that he really didn’t bother to keep in contact with me. I texted him a few times, and he hardly replied, even when I asked him to at least try to hold a conversation with me. For the entirety of those holidays I had little to no contact with him. Over the course of term one this year, I ended up moving on from him. So yeah, my reasons were basically that we didn’t keep contact and that he didn’t seem to care all that much.

And, oddly enough, he just texted me to ask if I was okay after being upset this afternoon.

God, the irony. I stopped caring because he didn’t text me or contact me, and now he’s messaging me out of the blue specifically to ask if I’m okay? Pfft. If there is a God, he must love messing with me.

Oh, and, before I forget, the third person that's really annoyed me today? She has a habit of hurting people. No joke, she seems to hurt everyone. And look, she’s never done anything to me. She’s definitely done things worthy of my disliking, but I’m pretty sure she’s never intentionally tried to harm me. Maybe I just needed someone else to hate today. Maybe I’m just sick of the crap she pulls on everyone else. I don’t know. But it certainly didn’t help things today. Then again, very little was going to help things today, so perhaps I should turn off the computer, crawl into bed and sleep away everything that’s happened. Yes. That sounds good right now.

If anyone needs me, I'll be the ball-shaped-thing under the covers.

Fandom Rant

Sometimes I feel ashamed of the Hetalia fandom.
I'm not the only one, and a quick Google search will show how many others agree with this sentiment. I'm not sure why there's so much hate in this fandom, but it's there, and it gives the rest of the fans a bad name. This is the reason that I've only ever been a lurker on the LJ comm and why I tend to avoid any Hetalia-orientated forums or threads. I love the comic, I love the characters, I love the creator, and I love a great deal of the fans, too. But there's a very vocal minority that absolutely pisses me off, and it leaves a bad taste in my mouth every time they get mentioned.

'Hatedom' really shouldn't be such an issue. I figure that, so long as you don't flame others for their opinions and you don't outright denounce another fan for their views, then everything should be fine. Opinions are good. Everyone has them, everyone wants to share them. It just seems that some of the fans can't do so without bashing those with different opinions to them. Variation is good, guys. Stop trying to make everyone think the same way. And no, bashing the views of someone else is not debating. It's bashing. Don't defend yourself by claiming to be starting a good-natured debate.

My biggest issue with the fandom, though? It'd be the useage of the word 'rape'. If someone likes a different 'ship to you, that doesn't give you reason enough to threaten them with rape. Obviously, with the relative anonymity of the internet, it's pretty difficult for you to rape them, but even so, that's not a suitable threat to make. It's totally uncalled for. Don't make threats of a sexual nature. It's just wrong. I do remember at one point, possibly doing the Hetalia Bloodbath updates Himaruya was writing, a fan actually threatened him with rape and murder for not updating fast enough. Why the hell would you threaten the author? If you had any decency, you'd know that Himaruya is human, so he isn't going to update immediately, nor will he bend to your every whim. You'd also realise that things like that would make him less likely to update. I certainly wouldn't be pandering to a fandom who would make such ridiculous and horrid threats to me.

Then again, this is the fandom that once had a group of cosplayers doing the Hitler salute at a Holocaust memorial, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised by any of this. Thank God I haven't seen the image myself.

Creating a hategroup is just asking for attention and drama. There's an anti-hetalia page on DevArt, as well as a forum. Get the fuck over it, guys. If you hate the series, then don't pay attention to it. Believe it or not, we're not forcing you to read the comic/watch the anime. And unless you decide to attack us directly, then believe me when I say that none of us are paying attention to your little hateclub. I don't see the point in creating one. I don't see the point in hating something so strongly when you could be putting your time into finding something you do like.

The thing with Hetalia is that there's a lot of love for everyone within the fandom, as well. The 'ship wars aren't very frequent and most members are quick to back up others, regardless of differences between them. The Hetalia Kink Meme, which is where anyone can request anything (not just of R rating, guys. I know it says 'kink', but let's get our minds out of the gutter here...), whether it be fanart or fanfiction, and there's very little judgment for it. There aren't many fandoms where that could happen. But this is usually overshadowed by the more negative things, despite there being more positives.

Yes, the series can be offensive. Yes, the characters are often based off of stereotypes. It's a comedy. South Park is more offensive than this. And if you're easily offended, then maybe you should take a step away from the series and move on.

Truly, most of the arguments against the series are more offensive than the comic has ever been.

(This rant brought to you by a dull afternoon, a Google search on "Hetalia fandom hate" and a read of the Hetalia Wank LJ page, which is not to be confused with the Kink Meme. 'Wank' here is synonymous with 'rant')

Rant #342

I love rants. By the time I've finished I am no longer angry :3 I'm currently ranting with my Hetalia Shimeji's roaming around my desktop, actually. Nothing better than getting mad while watching little chibi Japan's and Romano's climbing around my screen, Y/Y?

Here's an example of mah Shimeji's. Italy is on the ground, Japan is the one falling from the sky~

K, I always rant about my family. I'ma just say one thing; Mother Dearest, calling one of my friends an 'ignorant bitch' is not a nice way to start a conversation. It doesn't win you any points with me. In fact, it makes me rather angry and I would like for you to stop complaining about people you don't even know. Sincerely, your daughter.

Alright. Next point is at my own head. If I am told to learn, say, three words in Japanese, I'm perfectly fine. If I get a list, my brain goes NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO and promptly shuts down. This is really unproductive of you, self, and I wish you'd stop this stupid panicking thing you do. Kthx.

My Japan Shimeji is wearing a kimono, and when he crawls along the top of the screen, the kimono slips and shows way too much of his legs. I am so glad it doesn't slip any further.
This is quite awkward. I'm going to put him away and bring Denmark out.

K, Denmark is here in a cool hat. Much better.

D'aww he's sitting next to Romano.

Romano still looks grumpy like the little bitch he is. I absolutely adore him and his cute little angry face though.

Erm, yes, anyway. Moving right along.

Next point is aimed at teachers. I'm in more than one class. As such, I am expected (Denmark just did a flying leap to catch up with Romano who is halfway up my page. Guys that was the coolest thing ever) to do assignments and homework for all of my subjects. Not just yours. Also, I do instrumental of my own free will. Don't get all upset because I miss a lesson due to being sick. That is hardly my fault. Stop stressing out, it's not my problem that you have only a few good players so every little fault we make angers you to no end. Get over yourself. I have plenty to do. If you don't stop pushing me, I'll happily leave. I'm not following music after school. There is no reason for me to continue playing in your bands. So make this year worth my while and stop stressing me out.

Next point: People annoy me.

K, that ain't the story guize. You lot should've known that already x3

If you have a problem with me, or if I've done something... or, hell, if I haven't done something, then tell me.
I don't much like being ignored. Or well, more to the point, spoken to one moment and then totally ignored the next. I think I'm being toyed with.

Dang. My Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time OST cover(s) by Zelda Reorchestrated just finished. Dang. Guess I'll go listen to 近藤浩治's original OST's now. LoZ: Majora's Mask sounds good.

The other thing is, erm, anger management, perhaps? I don't like confrontations at the best of times. I think I hate proper arguments because of my mother, actually (I really do love her. I just hate certain things she does...). That's not the point. I just want to say that, you know, there's no need to get riled up over insignificant things. And there's no need to stoop so low as to throw overly-personal insults at each other (Romano just sat down next to Denmark of his own accord!!! Hahaha, despite your angry-face, you need friends too, don't you chibi-Romano~). The way I see it, everyone has their own demons to face right now. Everyone. So none of us need the added stress of being put down during a petty argument.

Lolol this soundtrack is the greatest thing ever. It's so twisted. Like your face. Take that. Bitch. Mmhm.

I Can Tell Tomorrow Will Suck.

Like, a lot.

I feel bad.

Really bad.

Lethargic, empty, slightly angry, unmotivated...

Like shit, basically. I kind of want to cry.

I'm managing not to, though. Barely.

I'm not sure what brought this on. I know what the final 'push' was, so to speak, but I'm sure there's more to my current emotional state than that.

I'm tired, but if I go to bed now my mind will wander, and I'll end up questioning things that don't deserve to be questioned, and I'll just think about things that will ultimately hurt me more than reality ever could.

So I'll wait until I cannot stay awake any longer. I'd rather fall (read: pass out) into a deep sleep that I'll wake suddenly from, with no recollection of any dreams or possible imaginings from before I fell asleep. That's much preferable to spending hours attempting to get to sleep, only to find yourself daydreaming for half the night.

Because of this, I will be tired in the morning. Tired, irritable and moody. Too tired to think properly. But that's kind of what I want. Being tired is better than thinking.

At least, right now it is.

My own thoughts are plaguing me right now. I can't get away from that.

Starving myself of sleep does tend to offset everything, at least for a little bit. I look worse because of it, but I'm not thinking as much. And that's the goal I'm trying to achieve by not sleeping.

I can run away from my problems. From people, from responsibilities, from everything. But I can't run away from my own mind. Not really.

Sometimes, I absolutely hate him for making me feel like this, even if it's unknowing on his part.

Sometimes I hate my family for being so distant and for having these conflicts that I am both a part of and excluded from.

Sometimes I hate my friends for not quite knowing what to do, even though it's my own fault for not telling them the extent of my problems. I don't think any of them knew I was in this mood until... half an hour ago.

Sometimes I hate myself, for that same reason.

Mostly, I hate myself for holding on to things so tightly. And for falling so easily (not just in love, but with friends). I shouldn't trust so easily. But I do.
And I allow myself to be hurt when they don't reach my high expectations of them. Expectations I shouldn't have of people who aren't truly that close to me in the first place. Really, I think a lot of my friendships occur in my mind.

Really, I think a lot of my musings are total bullshit. Like this little 'stream-of-consciousness' rant I have going here. Which should be an internal rant.

I rant too often. But it's easier than trying to hold a conversation about these things. It's much easier to blog.

It's much easier to hold a smile and grin, laugh, throw a few hugs in there for good measure. Be over the top, overwhelm people, because then they don't have time to question you or your happiness.

I'd rather do that than explain what's wrong, sometimes.

Actually, I've noticed that when someone starts looking at me oddly, I'll panic and end up practically accosting someone else by poking them or hitting them or... anything to distract the person who may or may not have noticed what's wrong.

That's kinda immature, but at least it works.

And I'd rather be immature than dull. I'd rather dance around the problems than have some emotional confrontation, to be honest.

I'd rather not cause something and make things worse.

I like how things are now. I preferred things a month or two ago, but this is okay, too.
Everything's okay.

It'll all be okay, in the end.

Confused but Relaxed. Yay~

Like, the day after I posted that rant, I was involved in some conversation with him. I wasn't exactly spoken to directly, but hey, I'm not going to complain.
I still doubt he read the blog post, but oh well. The rant hasn't been made redundant though. I'm still... eh, not annoyed, that's not the right word. I'm not exactly the happiest kid around though. Then again, the comments posted on my rant were epic and heartwarming. How can I be upset with all these guys with me?

Ah, well, anyway. I've spent the five-day-weekend doing very little. Eating chocolate (I haven't had a proper meal for three days. Yay Easter) and chilling. Dad tried to fix up our internet issues but has only succeeded in making them worse. My laptop can't even find the wireless network (though Dad's can, and the rest of the networks in the area show up fine for me) and the wired desktop has... er, issues. I don't even know how to explain it. It's like, every now and then half of my web pages won't load. Like yesterday, I could go on Google and browse Wikipedia, but every other site I went on wouldn't load. At all. Very weird indeed. So I've been playing The Sims on the laptop and listening to Hetalia music. As you do.
It's a good way to waste time. This weekend has been highly unproductive. It's brilliant.

The Hetalia cast's cover of "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" is adorable. Having the song sung in different languages (probably very fractured versions of the languages, but it's still cool) is strangely nice to listen to. It's... er, multicultural and awesome. Sugiyama-san's English is actually quite good though, so perhaps the other languages turned out alright as well? I can't tell. Regardless, it's an adorable track ^^

Dropping From A to B (And A Direct Rant)

I've always been an A student. My entire life. In primary/elementary school I was the nerd (then again, I went to a pretty bad public school. You were smart for knowing multiplication in grade 7). Seriously, I was the dorky, smart kid in my year group, pretty much. By grade 6 it became rather evident that my maths abilities were lacking, but I was still getting some of the higher marks.
Now I'm in grade 12. The hardest, most important year of my school life (excluding uni, but you know) and yet I cannot bring myself to care. I mean, the whole not-caring thing never affected me that much. I stopped trying in year 8. It just never showed through my marks until recently. Last year my English grades ended up settling on A- and in both Music and Drama my grades have dropped to a B... possibly lower in Drama. Well, definitely lower. But that's fine.

Really, I don't need an OP. There are plenty of opportunities for those lazy ass kids like me out there. It'd be nice to have some motivation to work though, because while it isn't the be-all-and-end-all of my life, a good OP will help me greatly. Obviously. Well, obviously for us Aussies. I don't know how school works in other countries, nor do I really care.

Eh, but I digress. I'm finding it so difficult to focus. It's funny, because I don't think I'm stupid. Just... unmotivated. I have no interest in Brechtian Theatre, so my Drama assignment is... you know, on hiatus. Now, if you check out my Japanese study, once I start I will continue learning for hours. Give me something I have an interest in and I'll take it on board with great fervour. Give me something I dislike, and I'll kinda forget about it. For a long, long time.
I'm planning on doing my Drama assignment in the morning, even though it's due tomorrow. Maybe I'll set my alarm for three am? I should be able to get it done then...

Anyway, I'd say I'm stressed out but I'm truly not. There are times when it'll just hit me that Oh my God I am doing so, so badly but give me an hour and I'll go back to being relatively indifferent. I'm more likely to ride things out and hope for the best than actually get off my behind and do something productive.
Stress isn't a big issue for me. Never really has been.
Still, I'm quite annoyed at a bunch of things at the moment... and while I still think 'stress' is the wrong word, I'll have you know that these things have been playing on my mind a lot. And yeah, it's getting me down. My grades being one of those things (I don't deserve an A, but I still feel horribly disappointed when I discover how badly I'm doing) as well as my lack of motivation. Other stuff being family issues (though things are pretty calm currently), money issues (no one wants to employ me), uni issues (how I'm going to know Japanese well enough for uni next year, I do not know) and friendship issues.

Warning: Rant. (TL;DR: I like you but if you don't act like a friend soon I'm going to give up)
Just so you know, if I say I want to be your friend. I like you a lot at some point, it means that I really bloody like you and I'd like to keep our friendship the way it is, mmkay? I thought that should be bleeding obvious. Being ignored is never fun, especially when you have no idea what you've done wrong. Right now, I feel like I must have been an annoyance, or perhaps just, I dunno, totally unliked... Which sucks, because the situation was reversed only a few months ago and I went out of my way to fix things. To explain that I cared, that all our friends cared, and that this person is (was?) important to us.

Goddamn, seems I wrote that sappy, lame, truthful paragraph to you back then for no reason, because you seem pretty happy to just pretend I no longer exist now.
And you know, it hurts. Quite a bit. But that's alright. I'll get through. Ride things out, wait for everything to look up. It's how I deal with everything else, right? It's how I've dealt with our friendship in the past, and it's always worked before.
I'll wait for you to act like a proper friend. If you don't, then I won't bother to confront you in person, nor will I attempt to keep in contact with you once we're out of school. I never expected you to stay in contact with me anyway. If you do start talking to me again, I'll act the same way I always have. I love your attention, I love our conversations. But I'm not going to exert any effort trying to keep you around. It's too difficult, it's not fair and I've never been one to fight for a lost cause.
I'm fine with writing this, because I know you won't read it. You don't care enough to check my blogs and you won't ask me what's wrong. God forbid you actually show some emotion for once.

...I hope you prove me wrong. I doubt you will.