Do You Ever Get the Urge to Just Run, Run and Get Gone?

I promised Lainey that I'd upload my post on my own religious views and other things that have been plaguing my mind recently, but I haven't really finished it. I still don't know what I think about life. I dunno if I'm just doing this soul searching thing incorrectly or what, but I'm kinda struggling. The post is half done, but not really finished and I can't bring myself to post it just yet.

I'm not sure I believe in anything, to be honest. I think there are supernatural forces, but I don't know what and I'm certainly not going to put any trust into them. I just believe in, you know, people, animals, the stuff we can see... I think we're connected, but by a God? I don't know. I just don't know. I wish I did.

I don't think anyone knows. That doesn't stop people from fighting, of course, but it just seems to me that there'll never be a winner. We can't prove anything. So why provoke others? Why post about things that supposedly prove or disprove your own beliefs (or lack thereof) when you know you're just going to piss someone off? I don't understand that.

It's been awhile since I last posted, but all my thoughts tend to turn angsty after writing for awhile, so I end up giving up half way through. I blame fanfiction for that. As a preteen I kind of mostly wrote angst. If it didn't turn out angsty, it didn't feel emotional enough for me. So I think my mind just automatically falls into that emotional state when I start writing, whether it be a fictional or non fictional piece I'm doing.
I found my old book of poetry from when I was younger... say, of the ages of 12 to 14 or so. That writing was mostly dark too, I guess. Some of it was actually quite good, but most wasn't. It's funny how I look back and just laugh at myself. It all meant so much at the time. Now it means nothing at all. I bet that, if I don't delete this soon enough, some point in the future I'll look back and laugh at everything I've written here.

Important at the time, not important in the long run. But that's the nature of things... of all things, really. No use dwelling on any of it.

I've recently resigned to the fact that I'm going to be on medication for the rest of my life. I've always had issues with hayfever, (as one of the more minor things), but I've recently gotten onto iron tablets and a range of multivitamins. The doctor still suspects that I'm having nutrient absorption issues, meaning that once we find out what's actually the problem, I'll end up on more meds to make sure I get everything I need. Which is great.
Kinda sad that I'll forever be relying on synthetic medication to keep myself going. No idea how that's going to work when I travel. I still want to get the hell out of this place, but how do you go about buying prescription drugs overseas? Are Australian prescriptions still valid in other countries? I'd hope so.

Would I actually be happier overseas, though? Would moving away from what's comfortable and familiar be better for me? I dunno. I just have this urge to keep moving, but I'm not sure if that's really a viable option. I'd have to settle down eventually (whether that be with a husband, wife or several cats, I'm not sure, but any of those options sound good). A person who needs medication to survive probably wouldn't do too well backbacking across Europe or living in a caravan and always on the move at the ripe old age of 60.
I've never liked the idea of growing old, but I guess that can't really be helped. You either die young or age, and I suppose the latter is probably the better option. I probably shouldn't even consider the former.

I think all this is why I'm into cosplay and roleplay, actually. You get to be someone else for a bit. You get to be someone younger, or older, or another gender, another species even... you just get to be someone you aren't. I'm pretty sure everyone gets bored of being themselves at some point. It can't be just me. And hey, maybe this is why I want to travel. I can reinvent myself at every new place. No one will know me. No one will expect me to do certain things or say certain things. I'll get to meet new people and experience completely new things all the time, right?

I think I'm driven by boredom.

Thing is, by staying in one place you get swept into everything that happens there. Suddenly stupid, meaningless things become important because there's nothing else to focus on. You run out of the interesting and have to make do with the mundane. I don't want that.

I still think I'm also driven by fear of turning into my Mother, who does spend her days talking about things she could've done, things she could've seen, but didn't, because she got married, had kids and settled into the dull, normal life that is expected of everyone. And you know, I still don't want kids. Maybe it's because I'm scared of hurting them like she's hurt me, or maybe it's because I don't want to be tied down to them like she was. I think it's a mixture of both. And I think, maybe I'm just not cut out for that sort of thing, anyway. The majority of the world suffers from overpopulation, why add to that if it's not something you want, or if it's something you think you'll screw up? I'll take care of my friends kids when they need me to. I'll probably keep pets. But I don't think I want my own children. If I do end up married in the future, then I guess the topic will come up, and I'll cross that bridge when I come to it, but... for the moment, no. It's not something I want, even in the future, and it's certainly not something that I need.

Hell, I'm not sure I want to get married. At all. I'm more of a romanticist than I'd like, and I miss the security of being in a relationship, but it also ties you down. I don't know. Just something else I'm not sure I'd want, and to be honest I have my own major reasons not to date. I've blogged about that before, though, so I won't discuss that again.

I don't think I'm anti-social, but, reading over this... I don't want to be tied to too much, I guess. I don't usually like being alone, and I'd like a very close friend to travel with, but I guess that's all. Just one person. Maybe more, depending on circumstances, but... right now, I think I'd like just someone to fill in the social void while I'm out exploring the world, and vice versa. And we could watch the sun come up before hitting the road again. We'd get lost in the streets of Venice and day dream on the beach for hours on end. And we'd drink to the new year with strangers we'll never remember, and learn the local stories from people with thick accents that we can hardly understand. We'd just travel, with no need to fill the silence needlessly or anything. Yeah. Something like that.

Cosplay!

I have just returned from Supanova, which is the best our country has to offer when it comes to all things fandom-y. Honestly, we're not much when it comes to the otakus and general fanboys and girls. It's not that our country is excessively judgmental or anything (I see plenty of Lolita's around the CBD getting by with no hassle) but... I don't know... I always thought Australia just didn't have that kind of culture.
Well, I'm definitely wrong about that. The turnout at Supanova is always pretty epic. I wonder why we don't have more of these events...

Ah, anyway. It was nothing like what I expected, but it was also more than I expected (I know, that makes no sense). The stalls weren't as great as I wanted them to be (I still spent a good $200, but I was hoping to spend more, you know? There goes my 3DS money) but the crowds were amazing. It seems my fellow nerds are all very kind (I received so many apologies because someone accidentally nudged me) and despite the turnout, I didn't feel claustrophobic at all. Of course, that's not what I really care about... I care about the cosplay. I certainly was not disappointed there. There were the standards, such as storm troopers and Naruto cosplayers, but there were others there as well (with extremely well crafted and elaborate outfits, let me tell you). I found someone do an amazing job of being Chibitalia from Hetalia, btw, which made me grin like a fool. God, I love that show. There was also some guy dressed up as Sailor Moon. Yes, a man in a short skirt and tiara with facial hair even. But he was really kind and posed for some epic pics with my sister. If only I had his confidence xD

Seriously though, the atmosphere was amazing. People were doing sword fights, there were CoD cosplayers with nerf guns shooting each other and people wearing 'glomp me' signs and actually getting hugged (and in some cases, tackled) by strangers and overall it was very jovial and fun. We were all acting like big children, really.
At one point I said "I have never felt more at home. These are my people," and my dad sniggered at me, but oh well. I know he secretly loved it, too. =P

Also, the cosplay show was full of my humour. The tech guy was hilarious, making "my, what a big sword you have" puns and making obscure references that only us geeks would get (I haven't heard someone (other than my close friends) make reference to seme and uke roles in a long time. Well, not including those I talk to online, of course).

It was brilliant.

Anyway, I've spent a good portion of the day wondering what I'm going to wear at next years show. I did a bit of people-watching today, so I have a better idea on what to wear... not that there's a dress code or anything. Basically, don't do things by half. I think I can deal with that.

My favourite choices are all male, sadly, though there's quite a few chicks to choose from as well. I'm thinking either Arthur/England or Gilbert/Prussia from Hetalia, Matt from Death Note, Rena or Hanyuu from Higurashi no Naku Koro Ni or maybe Angel from Angel Beats!.
My top choices are the three guys... if I have too much trouble with chest binding (that's going to be fun...) then I'll choose one of the girls. Hopefully that's not going to be a problem though.
Where the hell do you get bindings anyway? That's going to be an awkward question to ask mum... "Hey, help me get chest bindings."

Yeah, really not looking forward to that. =/

Roleplay Fun

There's a group of people that do Pokemon Roleplays on Facebook. The characters from the PokeSpec and Game universes seem to coexist in the same universe, somehow, but apart from that continuation error it's not bad. Of course, they all go very OoC at times but I digress.
Anywho, Silver was upset about not being loved by Kotone, I believe. (I stop reading from time to time. It gets confusing.) This is what was said by Silver and Bugsy (? Possibly a roleplay for the gym leader, although I'm not certain.)

Bugsy Trap: If you truly love her, you won't give up that easily.
Silver (Pokemon Special): No, but she liikes brighter colors than silver apparently...
Bugsy Trap: Even silver can shine.
Silver (Pokemon Special): And tarnish...
Bugsy Trap: Even bright colors become sepia under the sun.
It's up to you whether you shine or not.

Just thought that it sounded way cool and I should post it.
Alright, I'll go back to lurking on random forums. Ciao~