Random Inexplicable Illness

I woke up early this morning to continue working on an assignment. I was fine at first, but not long after my parents got up, I started to feel terrible and perhaps a little apprehensive. I had the urge to move, and the more I sat still, the worse I felt. The urge to throw up only left after I stood up and paced the hallway.

I feel very, very sick, and I don’t believe it’s the usual, physical kind of sick. If that were the case, I’d most likely need to stay lying down, or, depending on what I had, either eat more, or eat less. I’m fine eating. I don’t feel hungry, or not hungry. There’s nothing else really wrong with me unless you count the return of my insomnia or this weird apprehension that’s settled in my stomach. It doesn’t feel like the weird digestion problems I usually have. It doesn’t feel like anything I’ve ever had before, to be honest.

No, this illness is different. I just need to move, otherwise I feel queasy and the apprehension sets in strongly, to the point of genuine fear. Of what I’m scared of, I have no clue. Relations with my parents are surprisingly good at the moment. I’m procrastinating at school, but that’s never worried me before. I’ve always been prepared to face an E grade because, with how late I start things, I’ve always known there’d be a high chance of it. Hell, I’ve had plenty of E's in the past. So I’m not scared about failing this assignment.

The only thing I can think of is this soloists concert tonight that I’m playing at, but I’ve never felt scared of playing this early before I go on stage. Usually I don’t feel a thing until I’m almost ready to face the audience. That’s when I start shaking and panicking, of course, but... there’s almost 12 hours before I go perform (as of the time I started writing this) and... I feel really, really scared.

It’s weird. And the fear is just making the sickness worse, and that sickness seems to intensify said fear. If this doesn’t let up, I’m hardly going to be able to do my assignment or perform, so the timing of this is splendid.

I need to move but I can’t, because I need to work and that involves sitting at a desk. There’s nothing I can do about that.

I’m wondering where the hell all this weirdness is coming from, and if any of my emotions are linked to this. Gradually over the last two years I’ve become complacent, uncaring and bored with everything. Over the last few weeks I’ve felt the trust I always had between myself and both friends and family decline dramatically. Even my Dad isn’t immune to this. He’s someone that I’ve always held in an extremely high regard, someone I’ve always looked up to and trusted with all my heart. Now I find myself questioning everything he says and avoiding eye contact. Why?

I don’t think its paranoia, per se, because I certainly don’t think he wants to do anything bad to me. I don’t think anyone I know wants to harm me, and if they did it’d be talking behind my back (something I know happens anyway, and I’ve never cared before), so I'm certain it's not related to that.

I can’t sleep, I can’t focus, I can’t keep myself trusting, I can’t speak to anyone about it, and I’m starting to think that I actually feel legitimately sick because of it.

I still have no explanation for this massive fear, though. I have never felt anything like this before. Not like the fear on a roller coaster or something. It’s just this steady, building feeling that something terrible is going to happen and I know it, but I can’t consciously grab onto whatever it is that I know about. And the longer I wait, the worse I feel.

I’d talk to people, but of the people I usually talk to, half of them are oddly happy right now, and the other half are seriously not. I don’t want to ruin that happiness, and I certainly don’t want to impose on someone who’s already upset about something. So I’m not sure who I’d talk to about this. Once again, amazing timing on my part.

I just... I’m scared. And I don’t know why. I’m sick, tired and scared, and I can’t control it. I can’t just tell myself it’s fine, because it’s not.

I am not in the right frame of mind to do work right now, but it’s the start of term. I can hardly give up already.

I don’t even know what the hell is wrong with me anymore.

The Random Thoughts of Today

So one of my friends told everyone to blog today. I have nothing to blog about. So I will write all sorts of random thoughts that I've had over the course of the day.

I received my Maths assignment. The teacher said is was easy. I started counting the pages and stopped after 10.
Excuse me, I don't care how easy it is, something that takes that much paper is going to be tedious and horrible. Don't get my hopes up by saying it's simple.

He also said it wouldn't take me too long. Yeah. Sure. Whatever.

Anyway. I came home early today due to being sick again. I planned on going to bed. No, really, I did. I wanted to sleep and get over this.
I just, you know, wanted to check Twitter and Tumblr first.

It was a slippery slope. I started by reading a few things, and next thing I knew I had 18 tabs open and 3 hours had passed. Damn it, interwebs.

I couldn't help it though. I didn't know about these riots around England until I got home, so I started looking up the stories. And by the time I'd finished reading about these (surprisingly scary sounding) riots, I'd totally forgotten about going to bed.

40 pages of Tumblr later, and there was no longer any point to sleeping. I mean, once it hits a certain point in the afternoon, I can't nap without finding it impossible to sleep that night. Oh well.

A week ago, our English teacher told us all what grades he thought we should have at the least. He told me A+.
...I haven't had an A+ since year... 10? 9? Something like that. Usually I get an A-. I think I had a B+ once last year.

...Good to know that he's realised that my assignments are usually completed the morning they're due and aren't really a true reflection of my abilities, I guess.

Okay, so I'm now cleaning my room. I was going to watch Supernatural, and then I was going to browse Google Earth, but I've ended up cleaning. How did this happen? I have no idea. But anyway.
I took a bag to the bin earlier. Like, one of those huge black bags that you could fit 20 cats in. I don't know why I'm measuring in cats, but you get what I mean. And that was just stuff I'd found under my desk. My room is a mess. Anyway. The bin was covered in tiny little flying bugs. It was terrifying. I've never run away from something so fast in my life. And now I'm worried that I have bugs in my hair. It was terrible.

I have erasers that are shaped like different types of sushi on my desk. They're pretty awesome. Also, I have 962 379 steps total on my Pokewalker. Speaking of which, I haven't used my Pokewalker at all today, and yet I seem to have 10 steps.
How?
How?
I don't even.

I was going to advertise a song here but the title is in Katakana and I don't have a Japanese typing thing on this computer. I could type it on the laptop, but that'd involve opening Blogger on there and I am much too lazy to do that. Oh well. I will advertise it later.

Download Helper (the Firefox add-on) is being a bitch. It keeps stopping half way through a download and is all "download complete" but when I watch the video I'll see maybe 10 minutes before it cuts out. Pfft. Finished my ass.

That saying makes no sense whatsoever.

My Extension English teacher asked if I was enjoying my book. And, for the first time in a long while, I was able to say that yes, I was enjoying a book that I had to choose for English. Quite a lot, actually. It's very stream-of-consciousness styled, and I like that. It's also an existentialist novel, which increases my love for it tenfold. It's also very pessimistic and funny and hey, who doesn't like self-depreciative humour?
The book is Notes From Underground by Fyodor Dostoyevsky, for anyone who is interested. It is beautiful and absolutely horrid all at once. A brilliant piece of work, I must say.


I had this conversation with Dad after going to a university open day.
Dad: So, I assume you're studying in Japan abroad? I think it'd really help you become fluent in the language.
Me: Heh. Yeah...
Dad: ...you seem tentative?
Me: I... I kinda really massively want to travel to Italy instead...
Dad: Japanese is your main language, though.
Me: Yes but... well, Italy is beautiful and the language is amazing and I love pasta and they have so much art and everyone I know who has traveled loved Italy and if I went to Italy then everything would be Italian and nothing would hurt-
Dad: Look, I understand. Sort of. Well, I can try to understand, and I still think you should go to Japan. Wasn't Japanese -> English translations your ambition? Do you love Italian television and media enough to translate it?
Me: ...Stop being logical. I want to go to Italy. Damn it.

I've stopped cleaning my room and now I feel guilty. But I am a sentimental fool and don't want to throw everything out. Like birthday cards! I hate throwing them out. I get like, 10 a year, and I feel the urge to collect every single one.
I had to take the cash out (found another $50 note!!! Grandma ily), close my eyes, throw the card away and pretend that it didn't happen. Yeah.
18th birthday in 5 months and 11 days. I'd better get a lot of cash from that one. Loljks I'd rather not have a birthday at all. I feel so old. Aren't I supposed to start worrying about age when I'm 30 or 40? I don't want to have responsibility and stuff. I want to be a child forever.

DAMN IT DOWNLOAD HELPER. THE LAST VIDEO THAT WORKED WAS OVER 150 MBS. THIS ONE IS ONLY 6. I AM NOT A FOOL. I KNOW THAT YOU ARE LYING. YOU DO NOT LIVE UP TO YOUR NAME. YOU ARE NOT HELPING. YOU'RE BARELY EVEN DOWNLOADING.

My desktop wall paper is of the Master Sword. I wish I could delete all memories of the Zelda franchise so that I can re-experience it all over again. That would be amazing.


Everyone who has ever been in a fandom needs to read this. Yes. This. Let me post it once more: http://hesychasm.livejournal.com/187818.html

"Fandom is focus. Fandom is obsession. Fandom is insatiable consumption. Fandom is sitting for hours in front of a TV screen a movie screen a computer screen with a comic book a novel on your lap. Fandom is eyestrain and carpal tunnel syndrome and not enough exercise and staying up way, way past your bedtime."

"[...]Fandom could never be just a phase. Fandom is where you found a friend, a sister, a kindred spirit. Fandom is where you found a talent, a love, a reason.

Fandom is where you found yourself."

Yes yes yes.

Hey soulmate let me love you~

I think Fandom is where I discovered other people just like me, and that probably got me through the hell that was year 8 and year 10.
Really. I don't think anything, or anyone, else could have helped as much as the strangers I'd met on the internet.

That seems strange. Oh well. What, pray tell, is 'normal'? Why focus on the supposedly normal things? It's the strange oddities in life that make it interesting, no?

Pfft I'm going into a weird, almost-but-not-quite-philosophical mood. I'm going to stop before I start ranting or writing weird things. Oh no, your subconscious is showing.

I shall return to cleaning my room. I'd proof-read this but I will realise how totally random and terrible it is, and then it won't get posted. So if you see any grammatical errors, or spelling errors, or just errors in general, then please, get the fuck over it. K thanks ^^




Blow into this paperbag, go home, stop grinning at everyone.
Paperbag Writer - Radiohead♥♪

Bird Troubles

I have two budgies. The blue one is Simba (Lion King reference) and the yellow one is Sonic (Sonic the Hedgehog reference, obviously). They are awesome. Sonic is kinda new and young so she's a little weary of us. We got her from our aunt so she's never been in a store or anything. 'Cause the only budgies we've ever bought have been trouble. Anyway.
Simba, on the other hand, is amazing. He's very calm with us. He'll nibble on your finger if you put it near the cage and won't put up a fight if you pick him up, which made moving him to the big cage very easy. He's adorable. We found him in the backyard of our old house. He didn't fly away when Mum found him and picked him up. He's well behaved and affectionate towards us. So you know, we love him.

This morning, the first thing Mum told me was that the budgies had been attacked last night. Sure enough, around the cage were feathers. Lots of feathers. In particular, tail feathers. He literally has no tail at all, now.
His leg was also bleeding considerably. I mean, birds are small. They don't have that much blood. So perhaps there isn't a lot of blood, really. But it looks like quite a lot when compared to his body size.
We tried to examine the damage, mostly. We were just watching, and not in a creepy way, mmkay. And then I noticed that he was biting at his leg. Not just nibbling, but biting. He clenches his beak around his leg (especially his toes), turns his head and pulls.
He has no claw on one of his toes O_O the bleeding looks to be mostly self inflicted, actually. I've heard of birds pulling out their tail feathers, but tearing at their leg?

As normal, he was very cool with us moving him. He sat in Dad's hand and let Dad put him in the smaller cage. We drove to the vet and, despite the bumpy, sucky roads around our house, he was pretty cool with it all. No sounds were made. He gave me a few glances but otherwise didn't seem very phased. Have I ever told you that I love this bird?

Anyway, there were no bird specialists on Sunday's. So we're back home, watching Simba bite his own leg. There is a small puddle of blood under him. I am not exaggerating. I don't know how much blood birds are supposed to have but it's really not looking good.

We just soaked his foot in iodine (ouch. He seems okay though). He's sitting in the hood of my jumper now. Hello Simba :3

I can feel him on the back of my neck. Eheheh. It's a weird feeling. I really hope he gets better guys.

Sickness and Pacman

The two things in my title are, as far as I know, unrelated.

I am sick again. My muscles in my shoulders are hurting. A lot. If I crane my neck too far or roll my shoulders back it really starts to throb. I've been slouching all night because of it.
Also, I has an upset stomach and a sore throat. And I get to play mah alto sax in front of a crowd tomorrow. YAY
The whole shoulder thing was not helped by playing tennis. That's not a codeword for something. We really did play tennis. I was active. This is a strange and unusual occurrence, but I am not joking around with you guys. I would not lie about something as serious as this.

Okay, I didn't need to share that. I just wanted an excuse to blog so I could upload this gif.