Random Inexplicable Illness

I woke up early this morning to continue working on an assignment. I was fine at first, but not long after my parents got up, I started to feel terrible and perhaps a little apprehensive. I had the urge to move, and the more I sat still, the worse I felt. The urge to throw up only left after I stood up and paced the hallway.

I feel very, very sick, and I don’t believe it’s the usual, physical kind of sick. If that were the case, I’d most likely need to stay lying down, or, depending on what I had, either eat more, or eat less. I’m fine eating. I don’t feel hungry, or not hungry. There’s nothing else really wrong with me unless you count the return of my insomnia or this weird apprehension that’s settled in my stomach. It doesn’t feel like the weird digestion problems I usually have. It doesn’t feel like anything I’ve ever had before, to be honest.

No, this illness is different. I just need to move, otherwise I feel queasy and the apprehension sets in strongly, to the point of genuine fear. Of what I’m scared of, I have no clue. Relations with my parents are surprisingly good at the moment. I’m procrastinating at school, but that’s never worried me before. I’ve always been prepared to face an E grade because, with how late I start things, I’ve always known there’d be a high chance of it. Hell, I’ve had plenty of E's in the past. So I’m not scared about failing this assignment.

The only thing I can think of is this soloists concert tonight that I’m playing at, but I’ve never felt scared of playing this early before I go on stage. Usually I don’t feel a thing until I’m almost ready to face the audience. That’s when I start shaking and panicking, of course, but... there’s almost 12 hours before I go perform (as of the time I started writing this) and... I feel really, really scared.

It’s weird. And the fear is just making the sickness worse, and that sickness seems to intensify said fear. If this doesn’t let up, I’m hardly going to be able to do my assignment or perform, so the timing of this is splendid.

I need to move but I can’t, because I need to work and that involves sitting at a desk. There’s nothing I can do about that.

I’m wondering where the hell all this weirdness is coming from, and if any of my emotions are linked to this. Gradually over the last two years I’ve become complacent, uncaring and bored with everything. Over the last few weeks I’ve felt the trust I always had between myself and both friends and family decline dramatically. Even my Dad isn’t immune to this. He’s someone that I’ve always held in an extremely high regard, someone I’ve always looked up to and trusted with all my heart. Now I find myself questioning everything he says and avoiding eye contact. Why?

I don’t think its paranoia, per se, because I certainly don’t think he wants to do anything bad to me. I don’t think anyone I know wants to harm me, and if they did it’d be talking behind my back (something I know happens anyway, and I’ve never cared before), so I'm certain it's not related to that.

I can’t sleep, I can’t focus, I can’t keep myself trusting, I can’t speak to anyone about it, and I’m starting to think that I actually feel legitimately sick because of it.

I still have no explanation for this massive fear, though. I have never felt anything like this before. Not like the fear on a roller coaster or something. It’s just this steady, building feeling that something terrible is going to happen and I know it, but I can’t consciously grab onto whatever it is that I know about. And the longer I wait, the worse I feel.

I’d talk to people, but of the people I usually talk to, half of them are oddly happy right now, and the other half are seriously not. I don’t want to ruin that happiness, and I certainly don’t want to impose on someone who’s already upset about something. So I’m not sure who I’d talk to about this. Once again, amazing timing on my part.

I just... I’m scared. And I don’t know why. I’m sick, tired and scared, and I can’t control it. I can’t just tell myself it’s fine, because it’s not.

I am not in the right frame of mind to do work right now, but it’s the start of term. I can hardly give up already.

I don’t even know what the hell is wrong with me anymore.

Sup Little Me

Recently I've been doing a bit of... uh, self-discovery stuff. I feel that I have to with all the shit going down in my life at the moment, from minor friend dramas to stressful school stuff to utterly painful family arguments.
I'm feeling pretty put down, to be honest. I've been putting myself down, and my mother has been making me feel terrible, and I dunno. I just feel really bad. So I've decided to try and... I dunno, figure stuff out. About me. About why I should feel bad about myself, but also (and more importantly) why I shouldn't.
It's all been pretty difficult. I probably haven't been the most exciting person to be around recently, so kudos to those who have tried to help and have asked what's wrong. Hell, this is aimed even to those that haven't really spoken to me about things, but have at least tried to be there for me. It means a lot.

Hm. Anyway. I've also been trying to figure out stuff with religion, because I don't really know what I believe in and I think I should probably start figuring that out.
I wrote a blog post about that today in Biology as my internet wasn't working. I don't have it with me, but I will upload it. Eventually.

ClearlyUnfocused wrote a letter to her year eight self in her last blog post, and I think I will do the same. Why? Because I screwed up a lot in past years and I think there are a lot of things I'd like to tell myself, even if only hypothetically.

***

GoJo,
Yeah. That's your name. It won't be for at least another year, but someone important to you will help you realise the awesomeness that is the name (and soap brand) "GoJo". Don't question it. Just go with it.
You're starting year eight. You're a new kid. You're no longer the school nerd. You aren't the vice captain or the school band leader or any of that. You're just a kid. A stranger to everyone else.
You won't really be the school nerd here. You're going to take a crack at being a bit more popular instead, as strange as that sounds. I'm going to say go for it, because it's a great learning experience, and you get to take a glimpse at a world that you'll never quite fit in with.

Here's something that I really, really needed to hear as a 13 year old. Something I think I knew, but didn't want to accept.
You won't see your old friends in the future, really. You'll see them once more. Just once.
Yeah. Once. That's it.
The only friend you will retain from primary school is one that you didn't actually talk to much throughout year 7. You won't talk to her much this year, either. But trust me when I say she becomes a lifeline later on. Her friendship will be unexpected. Don't reject it. I have little more to say. She will become your best friend.

This year is going to be messed up. You'll get a proper boyfriend. Really. The girl you start talking to about The Sims? She'll tease you about being flatchested, date the boy you will end up dating for a good two years and take away your first friend from this school.
But you won't hate her. You could never hate her, though I've no idea why. Don't worry about it. Just... don't look up to her. Don't try to be her. That's all the advice I can offer you here.

That first friend that ditches you for the girl above? The one you see on the bus? She's not worth your time. Don't bother with her. She will hurt you.

Don't give up saxophone. Look through your music. See the song Pineapple Custard Tango? The one you found really easy? Yeah, you fall behind so much that it becomes difficult. You struggle to relearn it. Don't let this happen. Please.
You used to be the band geek. I'm not anymore, but I'm certain that you can be.

There are two things I need to share. Desperately.
1. You will have a bout of self-harming about 3/4 of the way through the year. One of the girls will find out and only one person will defend you. Stick with him. For the love of God, please, stick with him. You'll need him desperately later. He's strange, he's childish, he's smart, he's naive... he's also strong, and kind, and the sort of person you'll want to rely on later. He'll need you a lot in the future. Do not forget how he defended you. He wouldn't hesitate to help you again. Never take that for granted.
Truly, he's the closest person you have to the friends you had in primary school. You want a friend who's dorky, nerdy and hilariously immature? Yeah, he's it. You know your two best friends from primary school? Yeah, he's both of them rolled into one, but so much more.
2. Look beyond your classroom. The people you connect with are not here. They are not in your form group.
I'm not saying you should disregard these guys completely. I definitely think you should date the dorky guitar-player. You'll have doubts now, but trust me when I say he is amazing. Befriend his friends, learn about them, because they'll get you through year 9. But once things fall apart with them (and trust me, your friendships will be shaky at best), you'll want to find others.
You will find them in the other class. Really.

Other things you need to know.
- Don't let peer pressure force you to do something you don't want to. The guy you will date for 2 years? He won't be your first kiss if you allow yourself to be pushed around by others. This hurts him more than you. Trust me.
- That said, don't become co-dependent. You don't need a boyfriend.
- Start building relationships now. You probably can't see it now, but Mum's mental state will deteriorate. Harshly. Your father will be a pillar of strength for you, but you'll also need your friends.
- Not everyone wants to hear about your love of video games and anime. That's how you lose a lot of friends in your first two years here, believe it or not. This is why you need to look towards the other class.
- Not everyone wants to read your fanfiction, either. For now, keep your online life and your school life separate.
- Don't let that blond chick get you down. Yeah, you're flatchested now, but her words will mean nothing later. Trust me, you'll get your boobs. Heh. That said, enjoy being flatchested while you can. It's difficult to climb trees or run around when you aren't.
- You're going to grow out of books. Yes. It's possible. I'm sorry. I am truly sorry. I don't know how to prevent this.
- Start looking at languages. I can't stress this enough. Hey, you know your anime? Imagine being able to watch it in the original language. Imagine playing Pokemon the way it was created. Imagine reading manga without relying on a translation.

Languages become very important to you later. Learn Japanese. Live it. Love it. Your great-grandmother, Oma, loved Italian. Adored it. Aunty V loves Italy. Go listen to Italian and get a feel for it. Start learning that too, if you'd like. Get a head start. One day, you'll want to base your careers off of language.

This year is going to be a rollercoaster. If it does end up anything like my first year (which, me being you, it will) then you will change friend groups a lot. You will date a couple of different guys. You will go to many parties. You will experience fights (both physical and emotional) and you will start to ignore your studies in favour of improving your social life. You will be hit on, and you will also be hit in a physical sense. You will be hated and insulted, but you will also be complimented and, in some rare cases, loved. You will learn to love yourself more, but you'll also learn to hate yourself a lot.

It will be a bumpy road, but it will be worth it.

And look, the first two years here really will teach you a lot. And year 10 will be hell. It will suck. You will hate it. But there's a light at the end of every tunnel.

This will mean nothing to you now, but read this section when you turn 15.

That pale kid who made the website? Yeah, the one who amazed you by spelling your last name correctly. Believe it or not, you really need to pay attention to him, because Science Club with him will be your only refuge for at least two terms. School will be terrible. Home will be terrible. Science Club will be enjoyable and one of the only times you will smile in the first half of this year. While you probably don't mean much to him, he will mean a lot to you for this (whether he knows it or not). There will come a time when you literally will have no one to sit with. He's the guy you'll see, and his group (featuring the rest of this list) will soon become your own.

You know those two girls in band? You spoke to them a few times in year 9. They will, with your insistence, start watching anime. Yes, you are not alone here. They will become your kindred spirits. They will be the girls you fangirl with. The ones you talk about music, television and crushes with. The ones you eventually look up to and trust with almost everything you have to say.
They become the replacements for your primary school friends, in the end. So you know how damn special they are. I don't need to elaborate any more than this.

The quiet violin player that your fellow choir member used to point out? He will help you get into languages. He will have so much in common with you. It'll take awhile before you really talk to him. No, he doesn't hate you, though you will think that at first. He's just quiet. Once you do start talking to him, you'll discover how alike you two really are. He's very open. He loves countries. He's so overly kind and considerate. Don't overlook him. Ever.

Be strong, ignore the bad things, learn to accept the good things and remember that life goes on.

The Random Thoughts of Today

So one of my friends told everyone to blog today. I have nothing to blog about. So I will write all sorts of random thoughts that I've had over the course of the day.

I received my Maths assignment. The teacher said is was easy. I started counting the pages and stopped after 10.
Excuse me, I don't care how easy it is, something that takes that much paper is going to be tedious and horrible. Don't get my hopes up by saying it's simple.

He also said it wouldn't take me too long. Yeah. Sure. Whatever.

Anyway. I came home early today due to being sick again. I planned on going to bed. No, really, I did. I wanted to sleep and get over this.
I just, you know, wanted to check Twitter and Tumblr first.

It was a slippery slope. I started by reading a few things, and next thing I knew I had 18 tabs open and 3 hours had passed. Damn it, interwebs.

I couldn't help it though. I didn't know about these riots around England until I got home, so I started looking up the stories. And by the time I'd finished reading about these (surprisingly scary sounding) riots, I'd totally forgotten about going to bed.

40 pages of Tumblr later, and there was no longer any point to sleeping. I mean, once it hits a certain point in the afternoon, I can't nap without finding it impossible to sleep that night. Oh well.

A week ago, our English teacher told us all what grades he thought we should have at the least. He told me A+.
...I haven't had an A+ since year... 10? 9? Something like that. Usually I get an A-. I think I had a B+ once last year.

...Good to know that he's realised that my assignments are usually completed the morning they're due and aren't really a true reflection of my abilities, I guess.

Okay, so I'm now cleaning my room. I was going to watch Supernatural, and then I was going to browse Google Earth, but I've ended up cleaning. How did this happen? I have no idea. But anyway.
I took a bag to the bin earlier. Like, one of those huge black bags that you could fit 20 cats in. I don't know why I'm measuring in cats, but you get what I mean. And that was just stuff I'd found under my desk. My room is a mess. Anyway. The bin was covered in tiny little flying bugs. It was terrifying. I've never run away from something so fast in my life. And now I'm worried that I have bugs in my hair. It was terrible.

I have erasers that are shaped like different types of sushi on my desk. They're pretty awesome. Also, I have 962 379 steps total on my Pokewalker. Speaking of which, I haven't used my Pokewalker at all today, and yet I seem to have 10 steps.
How?
How?
I don't even.

I was going to advertise a song here but the title is in Katakana and I don't have a Japanese typing thing on this computer. I could type it on the laptop, but that'd involve opening Blogger on there and I am much too lazy to do that. Oh well. I will advertise it later.

Download Helper (the Firefox add-on) is being a bitch. It keeps stopping half way through a download and is all "download complete" but when I watch the video I'll see maybe 10 minutes before it cuts out. Pfft. Finished my ass.

That saying makes no sense whatsoever.

My Extension English teacher asked if I was enjoying my book. And, for the first time in a long while, I was able to say that yes, I was enjoying a book that I had to choose for English. Quite a lot, actually. It's very stream-of-consciousness styled, and I like that. It's also an existentialist novel, which increases my love for it tenfold. It's also very pessimistic and funny and hey, who doesn't like self-depreciative humour?
The book is Notes From Underground by Fyodor Dostoyevsky, for anyone who is interested. It is beautiful and absolutely horrid all at once. A brilliant piece of work, I must say.


I had this conversation with Dad after going to a university open day.
Dad: So, I assume you're studying in Japan abroad? I think it'd really help you become fluent in the language.
Me: Heh. Yeah...
Dad: ...you seem tentative?
Me: I... I kinda really massively want to travel to Italy instead...
Dad: Japanese is your main language, though.
Me: Yes but... well, Italy is beautiful and the language is amazing and I love pasta and they have so much art and everyone I know who has traveled loved Italy and if I went to Italy then everything would be Italian and nothing would hurt-
Dad: Look, I understand. Sort of. Well, I can try to understand, and I still think you should go to Japan. Wasn't Japanese -> English translations your ambition? Do you love Italian television and media enough to translate it?
Me: ...Stop being logical. I want to go to Italy. Damn it.

I've stopped cleaning my room and now I feel guilty. But I am a sentimental fool and don't want to throw everything out. Like birthday cards! I hate throwing them out. I get like, 10 a year, and I feel the urge to collect every single one.
I had to take the cash out (found another $50 note!!! Grandma ily), close my eyes, throw the card away and pretend that it didn't happen. Yeah.
18th birthday in 5 months and 11 days. I'd better get a lot of cash from that one. Loljks I'd rather not have a birthday at all. I feel so old. Aren't I supposed to start worrying about age when I'm 30 or 40? I don't want to have responsibility and stuff. I want to be a child forever.

DAMN IT DOWNLOAD HELPER. THE LAST VIDEO THAT WORKED WAS OVER 150 MBS. THIS ONE IS ONLY 6. I AM NOT A FOOL. I KNOW THAT YOU ARE LYING. YOU DO NOT LIVE UP TO YOUR NAME. YOU ARE NOT HELPING. YOU'RE BARELY EVEN DOWNLOADING.

My desktop wall paper is of the Master Sword. I wish I could delete all memories of the Zelda franchise so that I can re-experience it all over again. That would be amazing.


Everyone who has ever been in a fandom needs to read this. Yes. This. Let me post it once more: http://hesychasm.livejournal.com/187818.html

"Fandom is focus. Fandom is obsession. Fandom is insatiable consumption. Fandom is sitting for hours in front of a TV screen a movie screen a computer screen with a comic book a novel on your lap. Fandom is eyestrain and carpal tunnel syndrome and not enough exercise and staying up way, way past your bedtime."

"[...]Fandom could never be just a phase. Fandom is where you found a friend, a sister, a kindred spirit. Fandom is where you found a talent, a love, a reason.

Fandom is where you found yourself."

Yes yes yes.

Hey soulmate let me love you~

I think Fandom is where I discovered other people just like me, and that probably got me through the hell that was year 8 and year 10.
Really. I don't think anything, or anyone, else could have helped as much as the strangers I'd met on the internet.

That seems strange. Oh well. What, pray tell, is 'normal'? Why focus on the supposedly normal things? It's the strange oddities in life that make it interesting, no?

Pfft I'm going into a weird, almost-but-not-quite-philosophical mood. I'm going to stop before I start ranting or writing weird things. Oh no, your subconscious is showing.

I shall return to cleaning my room. I'd proof-read this but I will realise how totally random and terrible it is, and then it won't get posted. So if you see any grammatical errors, or spelling errors, or just errors in general, then please, get the fuck over it. K thanks ^^




Blow into this paperbag, go home, stop grinning at everyone.
Paperbag Writer - Radiohead♥♪

Cleanin' Out My Closet

An Eminem reference. Bet you guys weren't expecting that.
I'm not really cleaning out my closet, actually. I'm cleaning out behind my desk. It's almost empty now, so I'll be able to move my desk over a bit and create some more room. I've saved my old school books (as I would love to burn them when I graduate) but most everything else is going.

I found a good 4 or 5 gift cards down there. Feels good. I should go shopping.

It's weird to be cleaning out my room at all, though. Normally I need to be forced to. I have two reasons for cleaning out behind my desk though.

1. The stuff behind my desk is below my window. Unfortunately, every morning there is a lot of condensation on the window from the night before, so I end up with everything behind the desk getting pretty wet and gross. It's a good thing to move all my stuff away from there, I think.
2. I want to eventually clean out my entire room. So much so that I can fit everything into three suitcases at maximum.

This'll take awhile. I'm not moving out for at least a year and a half, but I figure I'll get started. Once the desk is clean, I'll start emptying out the small shelves. Once I deal with that, I'll find my way into the cupboard.

...which is a scary thought. It's full of stuff. And I mean full. It's quite scary. But I'll have to go empty it out eventually.

I want to make my room fit into three suitcases because I'm sick of having all this stuff I won't use. I'm a hoarder, and I'd like to try and contain my hoarding tendencies at least a little bit. It'll make it easier to move out too, of course.
If I can fit everything into three suitcases, then I can literally take everything with me when I study abroad. So, you know... if I decide not to return... heh.
Jokes aside, I do want my room to be emptier.

Suitcase 1 will have clothes in it.
Suitcase 2 will have random junk. ie: my Nintendo figurines, my video games, my posters and my laptop.
Suitcase 3 will have whatever didn't fit into the first 2.

It saddens me to say that I'm not going to worry too much about instruments. The alto sax, which has been my baby for 7 years now, is not the most portable thing I own. I'll try to keep it as long as possible, but I'm not going to fool myself into thinking that I'll continue playing it forever. I won't. The clarinet is easier to take around, and I could fit it into my awesome suitcases, but I've never been as enamored by the clari. Not to the same extent as my love for the saxophone.

I think the biggest reason that I want to fit my life into a few suitcases is because my aunt actually traveled around Europe with one suitcase. No home. Nothing but what was in her bag and the cash she had on hand. Well, she had savings back here in Aus, but she didn't want to depend on that while she traveled. She had no plans. She stayed where she wanted for as long as she wanted, and when she started to feel tired of a place she'd just get up and leave. I love that idea. Just... roaming. Nowhere to go, no obligations... the only issue with that is that she ran out of cash while in Portugal. She ended up getting back to England and getting a job so she could afford to come back here. Even so, I've always adored that about her. She was able to leave everything behind her and just see where her heart took her.

I mentioned this to Dad, and he quoted Janis Joplin. "Freedom's just another word for nothin' left to lose".

Random subject change here. Someone I care about was on MSN yesterday. Drunk. Lainey messaged me telling me that she had no idea what to do, so I spoke to him via the internet. We had some... interesting conversations, actually. It seems that, while his spelling abilities drop significantly when intoxicated, he still manages to say some really intelligent things. And some really, really depressing things.
What do you do when someone you care about seems content enough at school, and yet admits (with the help of alcohol) that he well and truly isn't? He apologised today for everything, and it was awkward after that.

Do I bring it up again? Do I ask him if I can help in anyway? Do I confront him despite how awkward it could be? Or should I save both him and myself the embarrassment and pretend it never happened?

I don't know.

Languages!

I totally typed up a blog about my language choices ages ago, but it turned into a list of why I adore certain countries and that kinda wasn't my intention x3

Yesterday a bunch of us went to the University of Queensland to check out the campus and their courses. My decision? St. Lucia is a beautiful campus. It's huge and the buildings are magnificent. Their courses, on the other hand? Well, they're quite good as well, but, unfortunately for me, they don't offer quite what I'm looking for.

More research is needed, I guess, so I can find out what place offers the greatest course. I'm currently still aiming for Griffith university (Nathan campus, as it has the best courses for languages). At Griffith I can do a Bachelor of Arts in Language and Applied Linguistics, specialising in Japanese and Italian. That's enough to get me into translations for both languages. If I were to go to UQ I could do a BA in both Japanese and Italian, but I'd have to go a step further and do a Masters in Translation and Interpretation for one of the two. I'd much prefer not having to do a Masters degree, to be honest.

I love learning Japanese, and I adore the media from Japan (hence why I'd translate it, of course). That said, I absolutely adore Italy. I have more of a passion for Italy than I do for Japan. My love of Japan really does centre around their anime/manga/movie industries and the language, rather than the country, their history or the people. For that reason, even though I'm more set on translating Japanese, I'd prefer to go study abroad for a while in Italy.

At UQ one of the speakers mentioned that you really need a few languages to get into these fields, not just two. Especially if you're doing a European language, because a lot of Europeans have 2, 3 or even 4 languages under their belts. Fluently. I only know one, and it's the only language I've ever spoken my entire life. I've only ever been required to know one. Australia is mostly monolingual, so it's never been compulsory for me to learn another language. For a country that attempts to define itself as multicultural, we really aren't...

Aaanyway. I'm really looking forward to uni now. Really. One guy learnt Japanese and German, and actually studied in Germany for awhile. While there, he got to learn Old Norse and translate documents from Old Norse into German. Why? Why not, I guess... Rule of cool, or something. I think that's damn awesome. Studying overseas really does sound epic, and I'm looking forward to it. I'd love to go study in Italy. There's so much history to study and architecture to admire and gorgeous landscapes to gaze at and delicious food to try and a beautiful language to listen to and oh my God the entire place would give me a brain aneurysm.

Ahem. Moving on. I have a lot of languages I want to learn. My list is as follows:

1. Sicilian
2. Japanese
3. Standard Italian
4. German
5. Spanish
6. Macedonian
7. Russian
8. Latin
9. Greek

I cannot actually think of a tenth language that I actually care about enough. =(
Truly, only the first 5 or 6 are really ones I'd like to learn. The last 3 are also epic, but not to the same extent. You know, Romance languages are my favourite. They sound amazing. Funnily enough, only 4 made it onto the list (with Latin being a dead language and all). Also, I don't care if Sicilian is just an Italian dialect, it's freaking epic and is practically it's own language. I adore it. Sicily is very underrated. I love the south kthx.

I really hope I'm not disappointed by university life. I'm looking forward to it. A lot. And I'm really looking forward to just plain immersing myself in the languages. I'm just looking forward to the future, I suppose. It's nice to have ambition for once =P

Celebration

I have finished all assignments for this term. This means that there is only one term (which is, what, nine weeks long?) left of high school for me.

Well, technically there are two terms left, but no one even tries in term four. It doesn't even count really.

It's kinda scary. Actually, it's very scary. I'm terrified of the future. But hey, no use worrying about it. Just got to keep trying and not stress too much.

My enter key isn't working properly, and it is really annoying.

Anyway, it's a good night to celebrate. I am downloading music for Clearly Unfocused (btw I just realised what an awesome contradiction your screen name is here, bro) and reading fanfiction. The Hetalia LJ just exploded with Spamano fics, so I am one happy girl.

I'm tired, so I'll probably have an early night and late morning. I am so pleased with my results, and it just hit me how relieved I really am. And tired. Oh, so tired.

Ways to Start an Assignment

This is how I'm getting myself to start my assignment. Whoop whoop.

- I have started by purposefully going on MSN and telling people about how much I am procrastinating. They tend to be all "DO YOUR ASSIGNMENT BITCH" and prompt me so many times that I end up working.

- Close all tabs except what is needed. And maybe have some downloads going in the background. I mean, that's not /too/ distracting

- No music.

- I have the desktop on, and that makes plenty of noise, but usually I'm working on the laptop alone which leaves the room in silence. When this happens, I end up finding a site that plays white noise or a site that plays the sound of rain. Either helps me concentrate.

- As a way of convincing myself that I'm still sorta having free time, I end up playing with a bunch of my little Shimeji things on screen. Right now I have Romano crawling around because I'm kinda maybe in love with him~

- Vanilla green tea. It doesn't taste amazing or anything, but it smells really nice and seems to help me concentrate. Plus it makes me feel warm and, you know, it's cold right now.

- The Shimeji really are excellent. You can mess around with them while thinking and, when you're typing, you don't need to focus on them at all. They're just sorta half-there, if that makes any sense.

- Stuffed toys for cuddling when not typing.

- The shortcut for GTA needs to be visible on my desktop so I can remember that, once I'm finished, I can happily go run over a bunch of random civilians if that makes me feel better.

- Sims 2 is good as well, in case I feel like building instead of destroying.

- My Pokewalker is looking at me. It's like "yeah you can walk 10,000 steps a day but you can't even write 2000 words. You fail" and it makes me feel bad.

- Closing Blogger. The final step before working on an assignment.

Wish me luck, people. =3

Procrastibation.

I'm not going to explain the word 'procrastibation'. C'mon guys. It should be obvious.

Anyway, I'm procrastinating, like I usually do. Not procrastibating (I would hardly advertise that online, guys) but just normal procrastinating. I have an assignment due tomorrow that I've hardly started. That's okay. I'll do it in the morning. That's how I did the last assignment. Woke up at 3am, finished it by 6am. I'm damn good like that.

You can't blame me for procrastinating. It's a stupid assignment. The task sheet is badly written and the teacher annoys me. Yeah, that's totally reason enough to not do an assignment. Moving on.

Pretty sure I looked at the task sheet, looked at the teacher and thought "what". Just like this gif. Yeah.

So how am I procrastinating this time? Unfortunately, I am not procrastibating. I don't think masturbation is a very productive way to pass the time. No, I'm listening to music, reading fanfiction and browsing Livejournal. Oh wait, that's what I normally do when something is due. Hm.

I'm a very predictable person, I suppose.

Then again, I'm not completely predictable. Guess what music I'm listening to. It's not indie, progressive rock or alternative for once. It's not in English or Japanese. Yeah, I've gone way out there. Sort of. I am listening to Italian rap.
Well, I'm listening to a bunch of songs in different languages about different countries. It just so happens that In Italia by Fabri Fibra (Ft. Gianna Nannini) is playing at this current point in time.

I figure I should listen to some more Italian if I want to learn the language... then again, there are a lot of languages I want to learn. Japanese, German, Macedonian, Greek, Spanish, Russian, Finnish, Portuguese, Latin and... Corsican, perhaps? Northern or Southern Corsican, I'm not picky.
I'd also like to learn Venetian, Sicilian and Neapolitan, but I may be going a bit over the top with the whole Italy thing. Corsican also counts, even if it's also spoken in France.

I'm too easily influenced. I started liking Finnish because of Tenuto Tuo, and it was Phantomess and Clearly Unfocused who got me into Spanish. But whatever.

L'italiano by Toto Cutugno is playing now. Which is quite a strange contrast when compared with the last song.

I should stop babbling on about languages now. Just for the record, I am studying Japanese and 'standard' Italian at uni. That will not change. However, I'd like to do German and maybe Sicilian one day in the future. Maybe. Depends on how difficult it is to learn Japanese and Italian... but hey, I'll keep those as my goals, anyway. It's nice to have goals, even if you probably won't reach them. It's free to dream big, right?

Right.

(The word 'procrastibation' was totally stolen from [title of show] which is absolutely hilarious and everyone should go watch it. Yes, right now. Yes, you. Go watch it. You won't regret it. Alright kiddies, go procrastibate and have fallacious arguments with your friends, mmkay?)

Pickles Have Many Names

I have spent the day reading Catch 22 so I can start and finish an assignment on it. The draft for this assignment was technically due last Thursday, however I had not finished the book. Truth be told, I didn't even plan on finishing the book. Hence why I am rushing to finish it now as the actual assignment is due in 3 days.

Unfortunately, I fail at keeping at one task for an extended period of time. As a result, I've ended up doing various things along with reading my book, such as discuss uni options, read fanfiction, follow Tim Schou on Twitter, follow a bunch of Hetalia roleplayers online, listen to the Eurovision contestants from this year, listen to Plastic Tree, look up a translation of the lyrics of two Plastic Tree songs, analyse these lyrics, sing along with the original Japanese lyrics, look up other Visual Kei bands, browse Facebook, eat chocolate, feta cheese, jelly crystals, cookies, lamingtons, bread and noodles, read messages about Belgium from a close friend, fight with Songbird for not playing my music, fight with Adobe Flash Player for crashing on multiple videos, watch videos of cats jump into boxes, fight with my sister and listen to a website that plays recordings of thunderstorms on a loop.

I've been very productive.

All of this reading and procrastinating has given me a hunger for pickles, actually. We have a jar, however there are only five pickles in the jar, so I only had one. Which sucks because I am really craving more.

Actually, the jar calls them 'Dill Cucumbers' and has something in Polish underneath that. Wikipedia calls them pickled cucumbers along with the above names plus variations of these names. They also call them 'gherkins'.

The thing with pickles/pickled cucumbers/dill cucumbers/gherkins is that they are a little bit sour and very salty. And I love salt. So you can understand my sudden craving. I adore salt. Today has been a very sugar filled day and I am sick of it. I want my salt, kthx.

I have 100 pages to go of Catch 22. Gosh dang it to heck.

I suspected that Plastic Tree were big on cutesy, kinda romantic, kinda sad lyrics. And I was right. Which is amazing because, as I've said before, my grasp on the Japanese language is rather small and failworthy. I looked up the lyrics to スピカ/Spica and アンドロメタモルフオーゼ/andro metamorphose. They are very good songs. Very emotional songs. I already knew the gist of Spica which is why I looked up the translation, but I didn't know much about Andro Metamorphose. I just looked up the lyrics because I liked the music.

Here are my favourite parts of each song

スピカ/Spica. Spica is the brightest star in Virgo, and the 15th brightest star in our sky.

まだ　星の光が　忘れそうになった思いを繋げるなら
覚えた星の名前が　隠れてしまった未来を照らすのなら
きっと　となり同士　ふたりぼっち　白いスピカ

Which translates to:
If the light of the stars still connects me to a love I’d forgotten
If the name of the star I’ve just remembered illuminates a future that was hidden
We’ll surely be side by side, just the two of us, a white Spica

アンドロメタモルフォーゼ/Andro Metamorphose is probably the most difficult title to remember. I don't know why. Anyway.

名を呼んで 名を告げて
透明じゃない僕にして
食べかけの月が僕を冷たく睨んでる
未来まで一緒にさ 行けたならよかったな
してあげたい出来ない事がたくさんあるんだよ

Translation:
Call my name, tell me my name
Make me visible
The half-eaten moon glares down at me coldly
I wish we could have made it to the future together
There are so many things I want to do for you, but can't

Yeah, so, they have very good lyrics.

Heh, when I scroll back up and read the first two paragraphs of this post, I feel like wincing. When I read something, I tend to adopt the voice used in that text (or at least, attempt to adopt it) and end up writing in a similar way. I think I was trying to write in a voice similar to that used in Catch 22, but it got a little muddled when I looked up pickles/pickled cucumbers/dill cucumbers/gherkins on Wikipedia, and I ended up with... well, whatever I wrote in the beginning of this post. Cool.

"Opinions Are Like Nipples

"Everybody has one. Some have firm points, others are barely discernible through layers, and some are displayed at every opportunity regardless of whether the audience has stated "I am interested in your nipples" or not. Cats have nineteen."

You should also think before you share them, because otherwise you may offend some people.

Random blog post is random. Right now I have been avoiding doing my Extension English assignment because the teacher cannot teach and is being a total dick to my classroom English teacher (yeah, I'm totally making a really lame stand against him. Anyway). Said classroom English teacher can teach and makes a great effort in making sure we are all comfortable and equal with him. The latter is a trait that is not shared with my ExtEng teacher. Perhaps it's weird to take sides with teachers of all things, but... well... whatever. I hate my Extension teacher with a passion. I adore my classroom English teacher as he's the best teacher I've ever had. So the Extension one can go screw himself if he's going to keep being a jerk.

Aaanyway. I've thought very hard about my nipples opinions and have decided I want to share them. I mean, they're about Nintendo; how offensive can they be?

The top 5 3DS games I have been fangirling over the most are as follows.
1. Ocarina of Time 3D
2. Luigi's Mansion 2
3. Cave Story 3D
4. Professor Layton Vs Ace Attorney
5. Animal Crossing

Looking at that list... I suppose most wouldn't consider me a hardcore gamer, right? I still get confused as to the definition of 'hardcore gamer'. I'd assume it means that the gamer himself gets into the games fully, right? Because it refers to the gamer specifically. And trust me, I do get into my games. I'll spend hours playing (and totally skip out on eating and sleep if need be), I'll look up everything I can about the games when I'm done, I'll replay everything and find as many in-game secrets as possible and attempt to familiarise myself with the entire environment. Which should make me a hardcore gamer.

But for some reason, a hardcore gamer is only a gamer who plays 'hardcore' games. Funnily enough, that only seems to refer to first-person shooters o_O In which case, I am not a hardcore gamer. Tch. Fine. Guess my hours and hours of gameplay and research and fangirling and absolute adoration for my games means nothing to you people. Hmph.

Ehhh, but I digress. I'm not really sure what point I was going to make here. I suppose I'm just going to give up on this post because I've gone off on such a tangent that I've forgotten what I was doing. Whoops~

The title quote was taken from this very reputable site. Well, depending on your definition of 'reputable'. Lolol \(^_^)/

Good Enough

I have 1082 words for my English and it only comes in at 6 minutes long.
It was supposed to be 7 minutes, minimum. Oh well. Maybe I'll pretend to trip over half way through and spend a ridiculously long amount of time trying to get back up again to continue speaking.

I have this chronic fear of public speaking. If an assignment is meant to be 5 minutes long, I'll write it out to be around 6 minutes long because I know I'll panic on the day. And then on the day I'll only just make it over 5 minutes. I rush so I can get off stage quicker, I guess. I don't know if I expect people to laugh or to try and trip me or what, but something makes me panic every time.

Yeah, I kinda expect something like this to happen

Back in Primary school I was the vice captain of my grade. I had to speak every week on assembly, and I had no issue whatsoever. What happened? Oh well. My 12 year old self is crying at my failness, but that's okay.

I don't want to work anymore. My brain is fried. I just want to start memorising so I can go read/watch Hetalia and Higurashi (I do like anime that start with H, it would seem). I need to revise my favourite characters list for Hetalia. So here we go.

Hetalia faves:
1. Romano
2. England
3. Spain.
4. Denmark (for the hat, pretty much)
5. America
I have a love/hate thing for North Italy. I sometimes adore him, but sometimes I think "oh Italy, you don't deserve everything you've got =_="

Also, Higurashi faves:
1. Rena
2. Keiichi
3. Rika
4. Hanyuu
5. Shion
I don't like Mion much. And Satoshi is cute, but... I don't like his personality. So shoot me.

I really love gif images right now. Here, have another one.

Is it weird that I could watch America doing backflips all day? Here's a larger version if you're into that ♥

=_=

It's kinda like "Hay, you speak at 200 - 300 words a minute so you'll need like, over 1,500 words to make the time limit in your assignment that's due tomorrow and you have 600 words now so you better work on it OH WAIT IS THAT A LOLCAT?"

Lol school work. I QUIT.



Gtfo internets. You aren't helping me here.

Procrastinating Again

I have an English assignment to do. I need to speak for 7 minutes next week. I have only 500 words. I don't think I'll reach the time limit with that

...Well, I could just pause a lot...

I could keep writing, but instead of doing that I've been playing Grand Theft Auto, looking up Portal, studying Japanese, analysing lyrics, helping other people with their English and basically doing anything that isn't my English.

Well, at least I'm using my mind in some way, rather than just watching TV or something. Analysing lyrics is actually quite fun. I've gone through a lot of different styles of music today. Here's a portion of what I've listened to.

So, what befalls the flawless? ♪

The Leaving Song Part II by AFI. This was the first AFI song I listened to, actually. It's good when I'm in an angry and/or depressed mood but don't want to listen to sad music. Definitely listen to it the entire way through guys.

And let this music into your heart, sweet love ♪

Tuesday by Raphael Gualazzi. No, this is not a response to Rebecca Black's Friday. I've been listening to this guy after hearing the track Madness of Love in Eurovision. He's pretty epic. And he sings some songs in Italian. I love Italian ♥

And I know you won't deceive me like the rest, and there's nothing you need to explain ♪

Blue Veins by The Raconteurs. I wish I could find lyric videos for both this song and the last one I posted =_= but anyway. I don't have much to say about this song. Just... listen to it. Please.

I've managed to relate all of these to my own life. I need to stop doing that. Pretty sure none of these songs were written about me.

Here, have a Harry Potter gif.

I'm Not Doing This During Class. Definitely Not.

I am confused.
I’m writing this in my spare period at school. And I am very confused.
I’m putting off my school work to muse over my life, because I am doubleplusconfused.
I am so confused that I’m not taking words from 1984 and changing them for my own purposes. I do not have any real reasoning behind this. Pretend that links back to me being confused, kthx.

Well, now that I think about it, I’m not that confused. I have theories behind why certain things are happening, and I don’t think I’m too far off (though I’m sure I’m not a hundred percent correct. I can’t be right. I mean... that doesn’t even... I’m not going to think about that). I can comprehend what’s going on, so much so that I’m formulating my own little ideas about this all. So clearly I am not confused.
But... well, that word seems to suit my thoughts better than any other. Yeah, I get what’s going on. But there’s still some factor that’s utterly... perplexing... and I’m not quite sure what it is that makes things perplexing, nor can I explain this any better. I just can’t. I’m going to blame the English language and say there just aren’t enough words to describe this. I like insulting the English language though, and I have a feeling that there aren’t any languages that could describe this situation efficiently enough.

I won’t go into detail. No one wants to know about my social life. Just know that I completely understand everything that’s going on, and yet I still manage to be completely and utterly confused. Maybe... Maybe I understand what's going on, and I get the theory behind it, but on an emotional level my brain just goes whaaaat. Yeah. Yeah, maybe.

You know, the English language has so many synonyms, and yet we still aren’t specific enough in some areas. In Japanese, the words watashi, watakushi, atashi, ore and boku all translate best to I. They are different, but it’s close to impossible to show that in our language. Fail to us.

I should go do some work now. So much stuff is due... I can’t focus though. Gotta hate being unable to focus. I suppose, at the least, I could go make some notes or something. Ciao.

100 Things I Can Do

(Naturally, this will be followed up with 100 things I can't do)

1. Bend my back past 90 degrees and hold it there ^^
2. Watch nothing but anime all day and still feel accomplished
3. Eat an icecream cone without the use of my teeth (it's too cold. I break the cone with my tongue)
4. Digest supposedly non-edible substances (ie: plastic, paper, fabric, wood etc)
5. Yes, I mean digest. I have not ever found plastic or paper in my waste. Not that I've checked very thoroughly
6. Eat salt straight from the bottle. Lots of it.
7. Eat vegemite with a spoon
8. Relate any and all world news to Hetalia characters.
9. Build a split-level home on the Sims.
10. Build a (damn good) island home on the Sims.
11. Almost drive a car. Yeah.
12. Type the alphabet in under 3 seconds, according to Facebook.
13. Recite random quotes from T.S.Elliot, Winston Churchill and Douglas Adams.
14. Drink 12 cups of tea before midday and not need the bathroom until 4pm.
15. Sleep for 15 hours straight regardless of the sleep I've had before
16. Be awake for around 45 hours without falling asleep (I haven't tried to beat that yet...)
17. Drink an energy drink and not act any more energised
18. Start a 1000 word English assignment at 5am the day it's due and still get an A-
19. Start a Biology assignment 3 days before it's due and only get an A-
20. Start a Maths assignment a week before it's due and only get a B. =(
21. Recite Japanese Hiragana perfectly (not that that'll get me anywhere in Japan)
22. Get permission from teachers to hit other students (I still have permission to hit two students at this point in time)
23. Flirt with girls and not feel awkward
24. Flirt with a few guys and not feel awkward
25. There's one guy I can outright feel-up and not feel awkward
26. Feeling-up... amongst other things. Best guy-friend ever right thur
27. Wear jumpers in summer. I mean, real summer. Australian summer.
28. Memorise lyrics after hearing a song 5 times or so (depending on the song of course)
29. Take over a week to memorise the same length of school work.
30. Wear my sunglasses at night and kind-of sorta see
31. Eat nothing one day and three full meals the next, and not feel any better or worse off because of it.
32. If I try hard enough, I can bend over backwards and reach the floor.
33. If I don't try hard enough, I'll overbalance.
34. Still recall the names and episode numbers of my favourite Code Lyoko episodes.
35. Still recall the first fanfic I read and exact plot details
36. Give you a bunch of random Simpsons facts, despite not watching the show in years.
37. Tell you every song on every Radiohead album in order of tracklisting and when each album was released.
38. I could probably tell you the b-sides as well, actually.
39. Add Thom Yorke's solo album to that.
40. Play through Zelda: OoT from memory
41. Tell you every song from said game from memory.
42. Tell you about how tough I am and then lose a fight spectacularly.
43. Have the water in the shower so hot that I end up with light burns.
44. This happens almost every night in winter, actually.
45. Legit burns. Like, my skin ends up raw, red and overheated for the next couple of hours
46. Crack eight of my toes.
47. Crack what sounds like every bone in my left wrist.
48. Repeatedly.
49. Crack the bones between my hip and my thigh just by shifting my weight.
50. Continue defending myself long after realising how wrong I am.
51. Hit a guy and not worry too much about their physical health due to my actions
52. Chew around my nails until they bleed and not actually notice until I taste blood.
53. Tell people the above fact is an accomplishment to be proud of.
54. Wake up at 6am and not drink any fluids until 5pm
55. Suffer from massive headaches due to the above.
56. Walk for a few hours at a pace and not feel tired (on a flat surface)
57. Walk for 20 minutes at a pace if it's hilly.
58. Trick myself into believing that blogging is productive.
59. Bluff my way through tests if I 'forgot' to study
60. Lie, if it's something small.
61. Lie, if it's something really, really important.
62. Giggle uncontrollably if I try to lie about something in the middle of facts 60 & 61.
63. Like multiple guys at once.
64. Move on from one guy to the next over the course of a few days.
65. Or, if I'm really unlucky, end up liking the same guy for years.
66. Cross my eyes
67. Burp the alphabet. I think. I haven't tried for awhile because I always feel sick afterward.
68. Fake being sick
69. Find something sexual about everything, regardless of context. Hehe, 69.
70. Relate every statement back to 'ya mum' or 'your face'
71. Contradict both myself and the other person in an argument
72. Confuse the hell out of someone in an argument
73. Convince someone that the weather is a relevant factor in an argument.
74. I don't know if that last one is true, but I reckon I could do it.
75. Convince people I'm lesbian accidentally. I'm not, by the way.
76. Laugh in serious situations, especially if laughing would be considered offensive.
77. Not open something with my hands, but manage to pry it open with my teeth/jaw
78. Have total disregard for being on time
79. Have no concept of time in general
80. Brave any and every rollercoaster
81. Brave any and every rollercoaster just after eating (and not throw up)
82. Discuss bugs/sex/violence/gore at the dinner table and continue eating.
83. Sit in rather awkward ways for no apparent reason (it's comfortable for me, at least)
84. Curl up in similar awkward positions if it helps me retain body heat in winter
85. Sometimes I'll try to get into awkward positions for fun.
86. Sometimes I'll try to get into small spaces for fun.
87. Sometimes I'll try to climb into hard-to-reach places for fun.
88. Speak to my own limbs and not feel crazy.
89. Convince myself that the above point is okay because I do not imagine my limbs speaking back to me
90. Fall asleep without a teddy bear (though it's very lonely)
91. Watch sad movies and just feel bored
92. Watch happy movies and end up really saddened by the ending.
93. Invent stories for random members of the public.
94. Pretend each member of the public is a part of an organisation out to get me.
95. Interview myself for no apparent reason
96. Walk around the house speaking to someone despite no one actually being there.
97. Do this without needing to imagine an imaginary friend
98. Have total apathy for school and not end up failing ^^
99. Sleep on a broken bed, but struggle to sleep on a comfortable one
100. Write a list of 100 things I can do instead of sleeping like a normal person.

"But worry not, I emerged triumphant in the end. If by triumphant you mean shirtless"

The title is an awesome quote from an epic Hetalia fanfic. No, it's not as dirty as the quote makes it seem.

K, I've decided what course I'm doing for uni. I'm definite on it, now. Naturally, it involves Japanese. I'm also wanting to learn Italian. 'Cuz Italian is cool.
I wasn't into learning languages until last year. Oh, how things change. Don't get me wrong, I've loved Japanese culture for a few years now. I love their games. I love their television. I love their music. I just never felt the need to learn the language. Then, after watching Death Note, I discovered the band ナイトメア。Or Naitomea. Which is really just the Japanese approximation of the word nightmare. Gotta love all the ways of reading Japanese katakana.
Anyway, I was listening to them and absolutely adoring Yomi's vocals. He is very emotional with his singing. So I looked up a translation of the lyrics. But... it wasn't the same. I mean, the translations made sense and all, but it's not quite like hearing it for yourself. I realised then that I wanted to hear the song in its mothertongue. I didn't want a translation. I wanted to hear how it was written, the way it was supposed to be heard. I wanted to understand the vocalists intent rather than just read a translation that lacked the kind of emotion you could hear in the song itself.

That, my friends, is why I decided to learn Japanese. To listen to one band. Is this sad? Possibly. But it's kinda maybe changed my life (insert more corny phrases here). I mean, I ended up really loving the language. I soon came to appreciate the differences between English and Japanese; how rounded the language sounds in comparison, how simple it is grammatically, how complex the formalities are and just how different it is. And once you start really researching it, you can see how the culture is reflected in the language as well. It's interesting. It's fun. I've developed a love for the language, the history behind it, the country itself, the people, everything. Really, the language barrier is pretty bad. You miss out on so, so much by speaking only one language.

So I decided, hey, I may as well use this to my advantage. What can I do with Japanese? Well, I love video games and anime. Could I... I don't know... translate them?

Yes. Yes, I most certainly could.

It was only recently I decided I should do Italian. I watched the film The Bicycle Thief earlier this year and decided that this language sounded really, really cool. I ended up looking up plenty of languages, just to see how they all sound. I came back to Italian in the end though. Screw what everyone else says, French isn't the language of love. Italian is. It's beautiful, mmkay? I could talk for hours about what that language does to me. I adore it. Oh hay, you speak Italian? Excuse me while I take off my clothes.
I guess I'm also learning it so I can go to Italy and sample the pizza and pasta there. Viva Italia! :3

This has all lead to me looking up countries in general. I started watching Hetalia when I got an interest in countries, and that certainly jump-started things. I ended up learning some (slightly modified. Yeah, slightly...) world history through humour. Trust me, that's the best way to learn ^^. After watching each episode I'd look up the references. I started reading the webcomic as well. Eventually I started just outright looking up the countries online regardless of whether Hetalia had touched on said country and its history. I'm slowly but surely gaining knowledge on all sorts of world cultures, languages and history, for no reason other than my own interest.

Random fact: I've always hated flags, you know? They seem pointless and... I don't know why I dislike them. I just do. These days I do enjoy looking up the flags of each country and learning about what they represent, though.
And to think, all this random culture-immersion-stuff came from me listening to one band. xD

In conclusion, I am now going to study Japanese and Italian. And I have completely faith in myself with this. I'll get through, because I'm studying things that I enjoy. I will emerge triumphant in my language studies. Hopefully I will emerge with my shirt still firmly placed over my torso, though.

You know, watching Eurovision this year isn't really linked with all that. My good friend Tuo is very much in love with the show, and I am very glad I followed his lead. It also helps that the Hetalia fandom also appreciates this show. That said... I'm mostly watching now for the unintentional double entendre's that I kept hearing. Israel's entry for Eurovision this year was one of the more obvious ones. Honestly, the lyrics can be taken in a rather... awkward way.

♪Ding dong, say no more
I hear silent prayers
And it's making me high and fly
I know where to go and I'm coming now

See what I mean? I don't know how to take that. That last line... good lord, woman, keep it in your pants please. ^^

University

I have no idea what I'm going to do once high school is over.

Well, that's not true. I want to do languages. I want to learn Japanese. I want to be able to speak it fluently one day, and I'd like to do Italian at an intermediate level by the time I'm out of uni. I want to do a course that will help me get a job in translating and interpreting from Japanese into English. One day, I'll possibly translate from Italian into English as well. Maybe more languages. I also wouldn't mind doing linguistics.

No, a better way of phrasing that would be this; I have no idea what specific course I'm going to do once I'm finished with high school.

As you can see, I've listed a lot of stuff that I want to do, and there isn't one course that will cater to all of it. Therein lies the problem (lays the problem? Word tells me that it should be lays but I've always said lies because, well, that looks correct to me. Hm). I'm tentatively looking at one course currently. I've always questioned the validity of a BA degree but it's the only thing that truly fits what I'm wanting to do. So I'm currently aiming for a Bachelor of Arts in Languages and Applied Linguistics. I'll be specialising in Japanese, of course. Thing is, this isn't offered at my university of choice. It's offered at another good uni, but... well, I want to go to the same place as my friends.

Even if we grow apart (I really, really hope we don't), I still want to at least start at the same place with them. We'll have different classes, but I'll feel a little more confident just knowing they're at the same place as me.
Honestly, it was hard enough starting at high school on my own. I don't want to do that again.

Course and friend-placement issues aside, I am really looking forward to uni. I love learning Japanese, so I have a good feeling about studying it in a class. Perhaps I won't feel so bored during lessons. I might actually try for a change. I also think linguistics will be good because, with Japanese at least, one of my favourite things to study has been the grammar and syntax of the language. It's completely backwards in comparison to English. It's interesting. I also find conversations in Japanese to be a lot more efficient at getting the point across than in English. Well, excluding the pleasantries that you just can't get enough of when it comes to Japan, but I digress.

There's little I can do with language study here in Australia, but I figure that, if I'm not doing something I find interesting and fun, then there's no point in doing it. I refuse to do something I hate just because there may be plenty of career opportunities. I need to do something I enjoy. That something comes in the form of languages, for me.

I've heard the stories of university life. I assume college isn't that different, so I can throw those stories in there as well. But I'm trying to not go in with too many preconceptions. I don't want to end up disappointed, right? Even so, I'm holding onto the hope that the student body will be a lot happier and easier to get along with than those I've dealt with in high school. I'm also hoping that I'll get to socialise more. I'm hardly a social butterfly. If there's an event, I'll want to be in the centre of it... but I do get sick of it after awhile. I find myself wanting to leave parties early because I also need my alone time. So I doubt I'll be involved in huge gatherings every weekend. But I still want to go to some things. I want to go out to music concerts and see different performances. I want to actually have fun.

Yeah, I think I am getting my hopes too high still. But I can't help it. I'm looking forward to this all a little too much, I think. But you know, I like having something to look forward to. Even if that something is as nerdy as furthering your education.

Why Learning Shakespeare is Totally Redundant (For Me, At Least)

So I'm studying Shakespeare at school. Again. Which is funny, because I was talking about this with my Dad just the other day. My Dad is a smart man, so imagine my surprise when he told me that he never liked Shakespeare. Okay, maybe it's not surprising, but... well, Dad is a bit of a literature nerd, so I always thought... eh, well, I'm not complaining, because I despise Shakespeare and think that learning about his plays is a waste of my time.

Studying Shakespeare makes very little sense, if you ask me. And if you ask Dad, apparently. Not that you should be contacting my Dad about Shakespeare. Seriously guys, that's weird, please don't try to engage him in a conversation regarding some old dead guys stories.

Ahem. Shakespeare's plays were amazing for his time, and I mean, if you want to learn about important literature from the past, then obviously his work will be vital to study. That said, his works aren't very... uhm, informative for those studying only core English today.
His language is dated (duh) and I will never understand his comedies. The jokes just get lost on me. And yes, the tragedies are, you know, tragic, but not full-on or memorable enough for me to care.

I've always hated the characterisation in Shakespeare (or lack thereof, depending on the chosen text. Yes, I went there. I'm not going to bitch about the two-dimensional characters used though) and I've never truly fallen for any of the plot lines.

I just... don't like Shakespeare.

And how are you meant to get the students to pay attention if you're teaching them works that use language we can't properly understand? Granted, I can read his plays without too much hassle now, but when I first started I had an online Shakespearean dictionary open. Nobody wants to look up every third word as they read. Trust me on that.

It's not just the language though. I tried so damn hard to get into Romeo and Juliet. I read the play, I watched both versions of the movie, I watched the anime, I read an online novelisation... none of it stuck. And I mean, the movies, the anime and the original play are so different, so you'd think I'd enjoy at least one of them... One of the movies stayed true to the era it was written for, the other featured a modern-day setting, and the anime was set in a futuristic 'neo-Verona' with flying horses. They are clearly very, very different, but... I don't know what it is about that story, but I never truly liked any of the adaptions. There's just... something there that never sits quite right with me.

I've read a number of other plays by him, but to no avail. I haven't bothered to look up other adaptions of his works. I don't see the point. I know I won't like it. At all. I will give him credit where it's due; as I said, his work would have been amazing when it was written. It just hasn't aged well, if you ask me (And hey, if people are going to tell me the Nintendo 64 games haven't aged well [which, you know, they haven't], then I have every right to say the same about Shakespeare).

Perhaps this is why I've given up on pursuing a career in English literature outside of school. I don't know many literary nerds who agree that Shakespeare is grossly overrated for our time. x3

Also, we should study T.S. Elliot. Oh my God I am in love with his poetry. Why can't we study that instead, what is this I don't even-

Dropping From A to B (And A Direct Rant)

I've always been an A student. My entire life. In primary/elementary school I was the nerd (then again, I went to a pretty bad public school. You were smart for knowing multiplication in grade 7). Seriously, I was the dorky, smart kid in my year group, pretty much. By grade 6 it became rather evident that my maths abilities were lacking, but I was still getting some of the higher marks.
Now I'm in grade 12. The hardest, most important year of my school life (excluding uni, but you know) and yet I cannot bring myself to care. I mean, the whole not-caring thing never affected me that much. I stopped trying in year 8. It just never showed through my marks until recently. Last year my English grades ended up settling on A- and in both Music and Drama my grades have dropped to a B... possibly lower in Drama. Well, definitely lower. But that's fine.

Really, I don't need an OP. There are plenty of opportunities for those lazy ass kids like me out there. It'd be nice to have some motivation to work though, because while it isn't the be-all-and-end-all of my life, a good OP will help me greatly. Obviously. Well, obviously for us Aussies. I don't know how school works in other countries, nor do I really care.

Eh, but I digress. I'm finding it so difficult to focus. It's funny, because I don't think I'm stupid. Just... unmotivated. I have no interest in Brechtian Theatre, so my Drama assignment is... you know, on hiatus. Now, if you check out my Japanese study, once I start I will continue learning for hours. Give me something I have an interest in and I'll take it on board with great fervour. Give me something I dislike, and I'll kinda forget about it. For a long, long time.
I'm planning on doing my Drama assignment in the morning, even though it's due tomorrow. Maybe I'll set my alarm for three am? I should be able to get it done then...

Anyway, I'd say I'm stressed out but I'm truly not. There are times when it'll just hit me that Oh my God I am doing so, so badly but give me an hour and I'll go back to being relatively indifferent. I'm more likely to ride things out and hope for the best than actually get off my behind and do something productive.
Stress isn't a big issue for me. Never really has been.
Still, I'm quite annoyed at a bunch of things at the moment... and while I still think 'stress' is the wrong word, I'll have you know that these things have been playing on my mind a lot. And yeah, it's getting me down. My grades being one of those things (I don't deserve an A, but I still feel horribly disappointed when I discover how badly I'm doing) as well as my lack of motivation. Other stuff being family issues (though things are pretty calm currently), money issues (no one wants to employ me), uni issues (how I'm going to know Japanese well enough for uni next year, I do not know) and friendship issues.

Warning: Rant. (TL;DR: I like you but if you don't act like a friend soon I'm going to give up)
Just so you know, if I say I want to be your friend. I like you a lot at some point, it means that I really bloody like you and I'd like to keep our friendship the way it is, mmkay? I thought that should be bleeding obvious. Being ignored is never fun, especially when you have no idea what you've done wrong. Right now, I feel like I must have been an annoyance, or perhaps just, I dunno, totally unliked... Which sucks, because the situation was reversed only a few months ago and I went out of my way to fix things. To explain that I cared, that all our friends cared, and that this person is (was?) important to us.

Goddamn, seems I wrote that sappy, lame, truthful paragraph to you back then for no reason, because you seem pretty happy to just pretend I no longer exist now.
And you know, it hurts. Quite a bit. But that's alright. I'll get through. Ride things out, wait for everything to look up. It's how I deal with everything else, right? It's how I've dealt with our friendship in the past, and it's always worked before.
I'll wait for you to act like a proper friend. If you don't, then I won't bother to confront you in person, nor will I attempt to keep in contact with you once we're out of school. I never expected you to stay in contact with me anyway. If you do start talking to me again, I'll act the same way I always have. I love your attention, I love our conversations. But I'm not going to exert any effort trying to keep you around. It's too difficult, it's not fair and I've never been one to fight for a lost cause.
I'm fine with writing this, because I know you won't read it. You don't care enough to check my blogs and you won't ask me what's wrong. God forbid you actually show some emotion for once.

...I hope you prove me wrong. I doubt you will.