Emotive

(This is being written as I lie in bed about to fall asleep, so it's probably not going to make sense. Just a warning.)

Dad and I were discussing people again. Well, I brought up my confusion over emotions and all (as I tend to do) and he tried to make as much sense of it as he could for me. The conversation ended with this:
Me: Well, why do we feel the pain of others? If a book describes someone being in terrible emotional pain, we can feel it, right? But if it's physical pain, like a broken bone or torture, you don't really feel that as well. Not to the same degree. Why is that?
Dad: Physical pain is to do with nerves. Reading a book doesn't stimulate any nerve endings. But reading a book stimulates the brain, and I guess that's where emotions come from. At least, that's how I understand it.
Me: Right, okay, that makes sense. But still, why do we empathise?
Dad: Because we're... emotive creatures, I guess. It's just... we just do. It's not rational. It's not supposed to be.

Honestly, I think this is one of the few times my Dad hasn't even tried to come up with an answer.

So once again, I've been thinking too much. Now I'm on the topic of relationships. Pfft, great way to depress myself, right? Well, for once, no. I'm oddly positive. I wonder why. Chances are my mood is going to crash in the near future to make up for this. But anyway. Back onto the topic of love and whatnot.

You can care for someone deeply and share both their happiness and sorrow, and know that regardless of what happens, it's okay because it's them. That's not all that personal and can be applied to a lot of relationships. So... whatever. I think, when you start to love someone, it's because you love specific aspects of them, the things that set them apart from everyone else. Like the way a person thinks, or the way they speak, or perhaps just their smile. There's got to be something that is so decidedly them that you wouldn't be able to confuse it with anyone else. And you know, you might love them for those traits, but you'll also love them for the flaws. You can't have good characterisation in television without flaws, and the same goes for reality. You can't relate to someone if they're perfect. There's no depth to them, there's no substance. You can love someone for their strengths and weaknesses.

But still, that's not quite there. You can love someone, yes, but to be in love with someone, you've got to go a step further. If you're in love, it's because you love your own actions when you're around them. You'll act differently. When you're with someone you love (not just romantically, really) then you're going to act differently. We change depending on who we interact with. When you find someone who truly brings out the best in you, then you know you're with someone you need to hold on to. That's what I believe, anyway.

I also had a discussion with Clearly Unfocused, Phantomess and Miss Invisible today. We came to the conclusion that, whether it be romantic or platonic, every relationship we have needs to have issues. You need to have things in common, but there must be differences to stop things from becoming dull. To make conversation, you need to differ in opinion.
Also, without conflict, you become complacent and start to take things for granted. And that's when things fall apart. You need the conflict to keep you working. Once you stop working at a relationship, then you may as well give up completely. Of course, you don't want too much conflict. If you're always at each other's throats, then things aren't going to last. There's got to be a balance there.

Fff my eyes hurt. A lot. And I'm slouching from being active-ish all day. I was going to write a lot more, but I physically can't. Damn my weak physique and eyesight. I want to write crappy posts about love, dammit! Whatever.

"I love you, not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you."
-Roy Croft

Thoughts of a Boy-Obsessed Mind

...it doesn't have the same ring as the vacant mind title, does it?

As can be seen from previous posts, I like making lists. I big like making lists. 総目録が大すきです。
Google translate says that means 'I like large general catalog'. I love you, Google translate.

So anyway, I have decided to make another list. I was reading some of my friends blogs and thought "hey, let's make a list on the type of guys I like!"
I wouldn't rule a guy out because he doesn't make the criteria (it's not like I choose who I like now, is it?) but this is just, you know, general stuff I tend to notice.
I should totally test guys before I date them. I'll make a questionnaire for them with important stuff like do you have a good sense of humour? Are you likely to do something idiotic? What are your opinions on drugs and alcohol? Do you know what lolcats are?
I'd totally make them write an essay on why they'd be a good boyfriend, and then I'd assemble some judges who will rate the essay and, using some complex system, will decide whether this boy is worth my time or not.　ツ

Ahem. Anyway. Here are my dot points.

Appearance:
- I don't like muscles. At all. They creep me out.
- Height isn't a big thing, though I do like guys who are taller than me
- I love me some red hair. Black hair is also stunning and attractive.
- I do like skinniness. Not anorexic skinny, just thin-enough-that-it-looks-like-they-could-snap. Yes, there is a difference.
- Strangely enough, I'm still into slight chubbiness as well. I guess size isn't that important (double entendre not completely intended).
- Piercings... eh... no thanks. Same for tattoos.
- I like my scene boys, but most of them turn out to be jerks so...
- I don't like body hair =/
- I don't like broad shoulders.
- I've always loved pale skin. I have three friends that are really pale, and I am so jealous.
- I love eyes. Big, round eyes. Especially in blue or green. (Random fact: my favourite sims all have red hair and mostly green eyes.)
- Just to completely go against those last two dot points, I do lust over quite a few Japanese men. This is probably just a side effect of my current obsession with Japanese culture.
- Especially Japanese men in Visual Kei clothing.

This is ナイトメア［Ｎａｉｔｏｍｅａ］, also known as Nightmare. The short guy in the middle? That, my friends, is Yomi. I would tap that so hard.

Personality
- Just to be generic, I like a boy with a sense of humour.
- I also like brains. No, I'm not a zombie (though sometimes I do appear to have a vacant mind. Title drop!). I like someone with a good head on their shoulders. No, no, I don't have some sort of head fetish. I like... um... intelligence. There we go.
- Alright, screw this, I need a paragraph here.
I do like my nerd boys. This is independent from the intelligence line, by the way. I like my fandom nerds. And video game nerds. If you have a conversation with me, chances are I'll at some point bring up TVTropes, anime, fanfiction.net, Nintendo, or possibly some sort of band. You're going to be a bit of a nerd if you can talk to me about the first four.
If I ever find a boyfriend who'll cosplay with me... my life will be complete.
Back to dot points.
- My humour is kind of... sexual. Guys, you need to know when I'm joking around, k?
- This will seem really bad, but I don't like being treated like a chick. If you playfully shove me I'll assume you see me as being on your level, rather than below you. Thus, I'll be more likely to befriend you.
- I like arguments. Be opinionated, but not forceful. Don't tell me I'm wrong, give me reasoning as to why you're correct and I'm not.
- Don't be offended easily.
- Seriously, back to the nerd thing. If I tell you that the Zelda games are linked by a split-universe theory that stems from when Zelda sent Link back to the past during Ocarina of Time. There are two continuities; the child link one, and the adult link one. For the child timeline to work, you have to assume that Link alerted the King of Hyrule to Ganondorf's intentions before leaving for Termina, allowing them to banish him to the Sacred Realm, thus creating the Twilight Realm etc etc, you'd better be able to keep up with me and either agree with me, or give me some damn good arguments as to why I'm wrong. And maybe come up with some extra theories with me. If I find a man who will theorise VG plots and timelines with me, I will love him forever.

Honestly, though, a lot of that can be discarded. If I find a guy who is funny, not easily offended and isn't going to look down on me in any way, I'll be happy. But, then again, the heart works in mysterious ways. I could fall for someone who is overly-muscular, dislikes videogames, is rather serious and doesn't like arguments. Who knows?

That'd be kind of unfortunate, though... Here, have an image for no apparent reason.

Sad banana is sad =(

Now, the Obligatory Emo Teenager Post

Not that I'm in a depressed mood or anything. Just... out of it. And tired.

I feel that I cannot trust my eyesight. Colour is just a frequency that we can see, right? Meaning that everything around us isn't actually coloured.
It's all just... blank? Uncoloured? I'm not sure if it's additive or negative, so it's either all black or white.
Just nothing.

I was talking about stuff with my Dad. Something I've noticed is how melancholy abandoned buildings are. I relate it to how we rarely see them. You look at the buildings in the street and it's like they'll be there forever; They're so strong, right? They protect us, shelter us, give us somewhere warm and safe.
But without us keeping them in top condition, they fall apart.
Nothing's permanent.
Memento Mori;
We aren't permanent, either.


I've counted my life in coffee spoons, and all that (<--Good poem, that one. Go look it up).

I have to believe in something. I don't know why, but I just do. I'm not an idiot. I know what I've seen, what I've learned... we evolve. Darwin's theory is hardly immaculate, but it's close.
I just can't explain away morals. Yes, we are social animals. Yes, that means we will conform to and use (and, I suppose, abuse) social graces.
But morals are nothing like that. Everyone's moral compass is different. Why do we have morals, anyway? How would that help us with survival? Why are there things that are physically possible, and yet my brain goes no, you can't do that. I'm sorry, it's not morally right.
What.
Love is another thing. I understand mating for life in animals. I understand not mating for life as well. But why is the human race different? We can't be categorised like other animals can.
Why will a man jump in front of a bullet to save his best mate, or his lover, when he could save himself? Isn't passing on our own genes some driving force for us? Surely getting killed is a little bit... I don't know, unproductive?

So for that reason, I believe that there is someone who has created us, with a sense of morals and justice. I have no opinion on the afterlife. I don't care so much for the bible. And I really do despise the religious who are all self-righteous about what they believe in.

That said, I cannot believe that there is no higher power. It's too depressing, for me at least. Maybe that's weak of me. But, even so, who cares if I need to believe in something to be strong?

(Wow, totally just went off on my own tangent there. I love my ramblings. They make no sense.)

Jigsaw Falling Into Place

Title is just taken from a song that's coming up next in my playlist. It's been a Radiohead afternoon.

So I usually try to shy away from personal stuff in my blogs, just because anyone can find them and I don't expect to get many followers if I'm always going on about myself. Not that I've had many subscribers anyway, but I digress. Sometimes a person needs to rant, and this is my rant. The only people I know in real life who definitely know the link to my blog are trustworthy, so if they happen to stumble across this then so be it.

I don't like our society. We worship the wrong people, we shun the ones who help us and everyone acts like it's all in black and white (Pokemon reference? Well, no, but whatever). Um, excuse me, but just because you're hot, doesn't mean you're important. Doctors help us, so we really shouldn't be neglecting the smart kids who'll one day grow up to remove cancerous tumors from our systems. And there are so many gray areas in life, there's rarely a definite 'yes' or 'no' answer. Unless you're really into maths. That's the only time everything is definitive.
'Course, it'd be nice if everything was in black and white. I wish I could just have a scan of my brain and have scientists say "ok, you're like this mentally, you like this sort of people and you're subconsciously into this". I hate talking to someone only to realise a few days later that you kind of maybe hate their guts. I'm sick of people getting put down about their sexuality when they didn't choose it, and, as I'm sure many other people would agree with me, being upset over nothing sucks and I'd like to know if there's a reason for it.

Ahem, that went off on its own tangent. I'm going to use relationships as an example for my recent epiphany on life. There've been times when I've really liked someone, gotten close to dating them and then suddenly I just don't like them anymore. It's like I'm subconsciously messing with them. I don't want to do that. Not to mention that there have been times when I've seen someone and gone "damn I'd like to tap that. Pity she's the wrong gender".
Really now. I don't think I'm a lesbian. I definitely like guys. I'm pretty iffy about being bisexual, although I've never thought about that before, either. I don't like women. They're bitchy, emotional and lack the physical features I'd like in a partner. And while boobs make for great pillows, it's annoying and awkward trying to hug someone and just smooshing our fatty chest-tissue together.

Still, I can't help but question my sexuality just a little bit. More and more homosexuals are appearing in every day media and I know of at least one of my friends who's gay. No, I'm not thinking about being gay because it's the new it thing, I'm thinking about it because it's no longer seen as a horrible, unspoken thing. It's real and it's not a sin. I have a big rant about religious views on same-sex couples but let's not get into that now. I've liked a girl. Just one. Like I said, I don't usually like women. Except for this one. And while nothing would ever happen between us, it was a big slap in the face. I spent a good portion of that crush berating myself and metaphorically punching walls in my mind.
Should I have done that? No. Did I do it anyway? Yeah, I did. Someone should've slapped me but nobody else knew about it at the time.
'Course, that's no excuse. I should've been able to slap myself out of it, but I didn't. It's a bit hypocritical. I've always been for gay rights and I often tell people that sexuality doesn't matter. Still, it's different when it's actually you. It's different and considerably more difficult.

Whether the fanfiction I read and write affects me is questionable. Yeah, I guess it does, but does it directly influence me? That's a harder thing to answer. There's lots of yaoi and yuri fics and that's probably opened me up to everything more. Everything influences me though. So now I'm even more confused. Am I thinking about this more because of everything around me? Is this a generic 'finding yourself' phase?

I don't know. I don't care. I don't think life is a puzzle where we just wait for the pieces to fall into place (and that is how I will incorporate the title. Yeahh). I think it's more like tetris. We think we know what's going on now but we don't actually know what the next piece will be. The pieces can be anything, and they'll all be shaped depending on what's around us and what we learn. When we do get the next piece, we're just going to have to fit it in somehow.

Yay for random unintelligible babble!