Do You Ever Get the Urge to Just Run, Run and Get Gone?

I promised Lainey that I'd upload my post on my own religious views and other things that have been plaguing my mind recently, but I haven't really finished it. I still don't know what I think about life. I dunno if I'm just doing this soul searching thing incorrectly or what, but I'm kinda struggling. The post is half done, but not really finished and I can't bring myself to post it just yet.

I'm not sure I believe in anything, to be honest. I think there are supernatural forces, but I don't know what and I'm certainly not going to put any trust into them. I just believe in, you know, people, animals, the stuff we can see... I think we're connected, but by a God? I don't know. I just don't know. I wish I did.

I don't think anyone knows. That doesn't stop people from fighting, of course, but it just seems to me that there'll never be a winner. We can't prove anything. So why provoke others? Why post about things that supposedly prove or disprove your own beliefs (or lack thereof) when you know you're just going to piss someone off? I don't understand that.

It's been awhile since I last posted, but all my thoughts tend to turn angsty after writing for awhile, so I end up giving up half way through. I blame fanfiction for that. As a preteen I kind of mostly wrote angst. If it didn't turn out angsty, it didn't feel emotional enough for me. So I think my mind just automatically falls into that emotional state when I start writing, whether it be a fictional or non fictional piece I'm doing.
I found my old book of poetry from when I was younger... say, of the ages of 12 to 14 or so. That writing was mostly dark too, I guess. Some of it was actually quite good, but most wasn't. It's funny how I look back and just laugh at myself. It all meant so much at the time. Now it means nothing at all. I bet that, if I don't delete this soon enough, some point in the future I'll look back and laugh at everything I've written here.

Important at the time, not important in the long run. But that's the nature of things... of all things, really. No use dwelling on any of it.

I've recently resigned to the fact that I'm going to be on medication for the rest of my life. I've always had issues with hayfever, (as one of the more minor things), but I've recently gotten onto iron tablets and a range of multivitamins. The doctor still suspects that I'm having nutrient absorption issues, meaning that once we find out what's actually the problem, I'll end up on more meds to make sure I get everything I need. Which is great.
Kinda sad that I'll forever be relying on synthetic medication to keep myself going. No idea how that's going to work when I travel. I still want to get the hell out of this place, but how do you go about buying prescription drugs overseas? Are Australian prescriptions still valid in other countries? I'd hope so.

Would I actually be happier overseas, though? Would moving away from what's comfortable and familiar be better for me? I dunno. I just have this urge to keep moving, but I'm not sure if that's really a viable option. I'd have to settle down eventually (whether that be with a husband, wife or several cats, I'm not sure, but any of those options sound good). A person who needs medication to survive probably wouldn't do too well backbacking across Europe or living in a caravan and always on the move at the ripe old age of 60.
I've never liked the idea of growing old, but I guess that can't really be helped. You either die young or age, and I suppose the latter is probably the better option. I probably shouldn't even consider the former.

I think all this is why I'm into cosplay and roleplay, actually. You get to be someone else for a bit. You get to be someone younger, or older, or another gender, another species even... you just get to be someone you aren't. I'm pretty sure everyone gets bored of being themselves at some point. It can't be just me. And hey, maybe this is why I want to travel. I can reinvent myself at every new place. No one will know me. No one will expect me to do certain things or say certain things. I'll get to meet new people and experience completely new things all the time, right?

I think I'm driven by boredom.

Thing is, by staying in one place you get swept into everything that happens there. Suddenly stupid, meaningless things become important because there's nothing else to focus on. You run out of the interesting and have to make do with the mundane. I don't want that.

I still think I'm also driven by fear of turning into my Mother, who does spend her days talking about things she could've done, things she could've seen, but didn't, because she got married, had kids and settled into the dull, normal life that is expected of everyone. And you know, I still don't want kids. Maybe it's because I'm scared of hurting them like she's hurt me, or maybe it's because I don't want to be tied down to them like she was. I think it's a mixture of both. And I think, maybe I'm just not cut out for that sort of thing, anyway. The majority of the world suffers from overpopulation, why add to that if it's not something you want, or if it's something you think you'll screw up? I'll take care of my friends kids when they need me to. I'll probably keep pets. But I don't think I want my own children. If I do end up married in the future, then I guess the topic will come up, and I'll cross that bridge when I come to it, but... for the moment, no. It's not something I want, even in the future, and it's certainly not something that I need.

Hell, I'm not sure I want to get married. At all. I'm more of a romanticist than I'd like, and I miss the security of being in a relationship, but it also ties you down. I don't know. Just something else I'm not sure I'd want, and to be honest I have my own major reasons not to date. I've blogged about that before, though, so I won't discuss that again.

I don't think I'm anti-social, but, reading over this... I don't want to be tied to too much, I guess. I don't usually like being alone, and I'd like a very close friend to travel with, but I guess that's all. Just one person. Maybe more, depending on circumstances, but... right now, I think I'd like just someone to fill in the social void while I'm out exploring the world, and vice versa. And we could watch the sun come up before hitting the road again. We'd get lost in the streets of Venice and day dream on the beach for hours on end. And we'd drink to the new year with strangers we'll never remember, and learn the local stories from people with thick accents that we can hardly understand. We'd just travel, with no need to fill the silence needlessly or anything. Yeah. Something like that.

Cleanin' Out My Closet

An Eminem reference. Bet you guys weren't expecting that.
I'm not really cleaning out my closet, actually. I'm cleaning out behind my desk. It's almost empty now, so I'll be able to move my desk over a bit and create some more room. I've saved my old school books (as I would love to burn them when I graduate) but most everything else is going.

I found a good 4 or 5 gift cards down there. Feels good. I should go shopping.

It's weird to be cleaning out my room at all, though. Normally I need to be forced to. I have two reasons for cleaning out behind my desk though.

1. The stuff behind my desk is below my window. Unfortunately, every morning there is a lot of condensation on the window from the night before, so I end up with everything behind the desk getting pretty wet and gross. It's a good thing to move all my stuff away from there, I think.
2. I want to eventually clean out my entire room. So much so that I can fit everything into three suitcases at maximum.

This'll take awhile. I'm not moving out for at least a year and a half, but I figure I'll get started. Once the desk is clean, I'll start emptying out the small shelves. Once I deal with that, I'll find my way into the cupboard.

...which is a scary thought. It's full of stuff. And I mean full. It's quite scary. But I'll have to go empty it out eventually.

I want to make my room fit into three suitcases because I'm sick of having all this stuff I won't use. I'm a hoarder, and I'd like to try and contain my hoarding tendencies at least a little bit. It'll make it easier to move out too, of course.
If I can fit everything into three suitcases, then I can literally take everything with me when I study abroad. So, you know... if I decide not to return... heh.
Jokes aside, I do want my room to be emptier.

Suitcase 1 will have clothes in it.
Suitcase 2 will have random junk. ie: my Nintendo figurines, my video games, my posters and my laptop.
Suitcase 3 will have whatever didn't fit into the first 2.

It saddens me to say that I'm not going to worry too much about instruments. The alto sax, which has been my baby for 7 years now, is not the most portable thing I own. I'll try to keep it as long as possible, but I'm not going to fool myself into thinking that I'll continue playing it forever. I won't. The clarinet is easier to take around, and I could fit it into my awesome suitcases, but I've never been as enamored by the clari. Not to the same extent as my love for the saxophone.

I think the biggest reason that I want to fit my life into a few suitcases is because my aunt actually traveled around Europe with one suitcase. No home. Nothing but what was in her bag and the cash she had on hand. Well, she had savings back here in Aus, but she didn't want to depend on that while she traveled. She had no plans. She stayed where she wanted for as long as she wanted, and when she started to feel tired of a place she'd just get up and leave. I love that idea. Just... roaming. Nowhere to go, no obligations... the only issue with that is that she ran out of cash while in Portugal. She ended up getting back to England and getting a job so she could afford to come back here. Even so, I've always adored that about her. She was able to leave everything behind her and just see where her heart took her.

I mentioned this to Dad, and he quoted Janis Joplin. "Freedom's just another word for nothin' left to lose".

Random subject change here. Someone I care about was on MSN yesterday. Drunk. Lainey messaged me telling me that she had no idea what to do, so I spoke to him via the internet. We had some... interesting conversations, actually. It seems that, while his spelling abilities drop significantly when intoxicated, he still manages to say some really intelligent things. And some really, really depressing things.
What do you do when someone you care about seems content enough at school, and yet admits (with the help of alcohol) that he well and truly isn't? He apologised today for everything, and it was awkward after that.

Do I bring it up again? Do I ask him if I can help in anyway? Do I confront him despite how awkward it could be? Or should I save both him and myself the embarrassment and pretend it never happened?

I don't know.