I'm feeling pretty put down, to be honest. I've been putting myself down, and my mother has been making me feel terrible, and I dunno. I just feel really bad. So I've decided to try and... I dunno, figure stuff out. About me. About why I should feel bad about myself, but also (and more importantly) why I shouldn't.
It's all been pretty difficult. I probably haven't been the most exciting person to be around recently, so kudos to those who have tried to help and have asked what's wrong. Hell, this is aimed even to those that haven't really spoken to me about things, but have at least tried to be there for me. It means a lot.
Hm. Anyway. I've also been trying to figure out stuff with religion, because I don't really know what I believe in and I think I should probably start figuring that out.
I wrote a blog post about that today in Biology as my internet wasn't working. I don't have it with me, but I will upload it. Eventually.
ClearlyUnfocused wrote a letter to her year eight self in her last blog post, and I think I will do the same. Why? Because I screwed up a lot in past years and I think there are a lot of things I'd like to tell myself, even if only hypothetically.
***
GoJo,
Yeah. That's your name. It won't be for at least another year, but someone important to you will help you realise the awesomeness that is the name (and soap brand) "GoJo". Don't question it. Just go with it.
You're starting year eight. You're a new kid. You're no longer the school nerd. You aren't the vice captain or the school band leader or any of that. You're just a kid. A stranger to everyone else.
You won't really be the school nerd here. You're going to take a crack at being a bit more popular instead, as strange as that sounds. I'm going to say go for it, because it's a great learning experience, and you get to take a glimpse at a world that you'll never quite fit in with.
Here's something that I really, really needed to hear as a 13 year old. Something I think I knew, but didn't want to accept.
You won't see your old friends in the future, really. You'll see them once more. Just once.
Yeah. Once. That's it.
The only friend you will retain from primary school is one that you didn't actually talk to much throughout year 7. You won't talk to her much this year, either. But trust me when I say she becomes a lifeline later on. Her friendship will be unexpected. Don't reject it. I have little more to say. She will become your best friend.
This year is going to be messed up. You'll get a proper boyfriend. Really. The girl you start talking to about The Sims? She'll tease you about being flatchested, date the boy you will end up dating for a good two years and take away your first friend from this school.
But you won't hate her. You could never hate her, though I've no idea why. Don't worry about it. Just... don't look up to her. Don't try to be her. That's all the advice I can offer you here.
That first friend that ditches you for the girl above? The one you see on the bus? She's not worth your time. Don't bother with her. She will hurt you.
Don't give up saxophone. Look through your music. See the song Pineapple Custard Tango? The one you found really easy? Yeah, you fall behind so much that it becomes difficult. You struggle to relearn it. Don't let this happen. Please.
You used to be the band geek. I'm not anymore, but I'm certain that you can be.
There are two things I need to share. Desperately.
1. You will have a bout of self-harming about 3/4 of the way through the year. One of the girls will find out and only one person will defend you. Stick with him. For the love of God, please, stick with him. You'll need him desperately later. He's strange, he's childish, he's smart, he's naive... he's also strong, and kind, and the sort of person you'll want to rely on later. He'll need you a lot in the future. Do not forget how he defended you. He wouldn't hesitate to help you again. Never take that for granted.
Truly, he's the closest person you have to the friends you had in primary school. You want a friend who's dorky, nerdy and hilariously immature? Yeah, he's it. You know your two best friends from primary school? Yeah, he's both of them rolled into one, but so much more.
2. Look beyond your classroom. The people you connect with are not here. They are not in your form group.
I'm not saying you should disregard these guys completely. I definitely think you should date the dorky guitar-player. You'll have doubts now, but trust me when I say he is amazing. Befriend his friends, learn about them, because they'll get you through year 9. But once things fall apart with them (and trust me, your friendships will be shaky at best), you'll want to find others.
You will find them in the other class. Really.
Other things you need to know.
- Don't let peer pressure force you to do something you don't want to. The guy you will date for 2 years? He won't be your first kiss if you allow yourself to be pushed around by others. This hurts him more than you. Trust me.
- That said, don't become co-dependent. You don't need a boyfriend.
- Start building relationships now. You probably can't see it now, but Mum's mental state will deteriorate. Harshly. Your father will be a pillar of strength for you, but you'll also need your friends.
- Not everyone wants to hear about your love of video games and anime. That's how you lose a lot of friends in your first two years here, believe it or not. This is why you need to look towards the other class.
- Not everyone wants to read your fanfiction, either. For now, keep your online life and your school life separate.
- Don't let that blond chick get you down. Yeah, you're flatchested now, but her words will mean nothing later. Trust me, you'll get your boobs. Heh. That said, enjoy being flatchested while you can. It's difficult to climb trees or run around when you aren't.
- You're going to grow out of books. Yes. It's possible. I'm sorry. I am truly sorry. I don't know how to prevent this.
- Start looking at languages. I can't stress this enough. Hey, you know your anime? Imagine being able to watch it in the original language. Imagine playing Pokemon the way it was created. Imagine reading manga without relying on a translation.
Languages become very important to you later. Learn Japanese. Live it. Love it. Your great-grandmother, Oma, loved Italian. Adored it. Aunty V loves Italy. Go listen to Italian and get a feel for it. Start learning that too, if you'd like. Get a head start. One day, you'll want to base your careers off of language.
This year is going to be a rollercoaster. If it does end up anything like my first year (which, me being you, it will) then you will change friend groups a lot. You will date a couple of different guys. You will go to many parties. You will experience fights (both physical and emotional) and you will start to ignore your studies in favour of improving your social life. You will be hit on, and you will also be hit in a physical sense. You will be hated and insulted, but you will also be complimented and, in some rare cases, loved. You will learn to love yourself more, but you'll also learn to hate yourself a lot.
It will be a bumpy road, but it will be worth it.
And look, the first two years here really will teach you a lot. And year 10 will be hell. It will suck. You will hate it. But there's a light at the end of every tunnel.
This will mean nothing to you now, but read this section when you turn 15.
That pale kid who made the website? Yeah, the one who amazed you by spelling your last name correctly. Believe it or not, you really need to pay attention to him, because Science Club with him will be your only refuge for at least two terms. School will be terrible. Home will be terrible. Science Club will be enjoyable and one of the only times you will smile in the first half of this year. While you probably don't mean much to him, he will mean a lot to you for this (whether he knows it or not). There will come a time when you literally will have no one to sit with. He's the guy you'll see, and his group (featuring the rest of this list) will soon become your own.
You know those two girls in band? You spoke to them a few times in year 9. They will, with your insistence, start watching anime. Yes, you are not alone here. They will become your kindred spirits. They will be the girls you fangirl with. The ones you talk about music, television and crushes with. The ones you eventually look up to and trust with almost everything you have to say.
They become the replacements for your primary school friends, in the end. So you know how damn special they are. I don't need to elaborate any more than this.
The quiet violin player that your fellow choir member used to point out? He will help you get into languages. He will have so much in common with you. It'll take awhile before you really talk to him. No, he doesn't hate you, though you will think that at first. He's just quiet. Once you do start talking to him, you'll discover how alike you two really are. He's very open. He loves countries. He's so overly kind and considerate. Don't overlook him. Ever.
Be strong, ignore the bad things, learn to accept the good things and remember that life goes on.
This made me teary <3
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