I Can Tell Tomorrow Will Suck.

Like, a lot.

I feel bad.

Really bad.

Lethargic, empty, slightly angry, unmotivated...

Like shit, basically. I kind of want to cry.

I'm managing not to, though. Barely.

I'm not sure what brought this on. I know what the final 'push' was, so to speak, but I'm sure there's more to my current emotional state than that.

I'm tired, but if I go to bed now my mind will wander, and I'll end up questioning things that don't deserve to be questioned, and I'll just think about things that will ultimately hurt me more than reality ever could.

So I'll wait until I cannot stay awake any longer. I'd rather fall (read: pass out) into a deep sleep that I'll wake suddenly from, with no recollection of any dreams or possible imaginings from before I fell asleep. That's much preferable to spending hours attempting to get to sleep, only to find yourself daydreaming for half the night.

Because of this, I will be tired in the morning. Tired, irritable and moody. Too tired to think properly. But that's kind of what I want. Being tired is better than thinking.

At least, right now it is.

My own thoughts are plaguing me right now. I can't get away from that.

Starving myself of sleep does tend to offset everything, at least for a little bit. I look worse because of it, but I'm not thinking as much. And that's the goal I'm trying to achieve by not sleeping.

I can run away from my problems. From people, from responsibilities, from everything. But I can't run away from my own mind. Not really.

Sometimes, I absolutely hate him for making me feel like this, even if it's unknowing on his part.

Sometimes I hate my family for being so distant and for having these conflicts that I am both a part of and excluded from.

Sometimes I hate my friends for not quite knowing what to do, even though it's my own fault for not telling them the extent of my problems. I don't think any of them knew I was in this mood until... half an hour ago.

Sometimes I hate myself, for that same reason.

Mostly, I hate myself for holding on to things so tightly. And for falling so easily (not just in love, but with friends). I shouldn't trust so easily. But I do.
And I allow myself to be hurt when they don't reach my high expectations of them. Expectations I shouldn't have of people who aren't truly that close to me in the first place. Really, I think a lot of my friendships occur in my mind.

Really, I think a lot of my musings are total bullshit. Like this little 'stream-of-consciousness' rant I have going here. Which should be an internal rant.

I rant too often. But it's easier than trying to hold a conversation about these things. It's much easier to blog.

It's much easier to hold a smile and grin, laugh, throw a few hugs in there for good measure. Be over the top, overwhelm people, because then they don't have time to question you or your happiness.

I'd rather do that than explain what's wrong, sometimes.

Actually, I've noticed that when someone starts looking at me oddly, I'll panic and end up practically accosting someone else by poking them or hitting them or... anything to distract the person who may or may not have noticed what's wrong.

That's kinda immature, but at least it works.

And I'd rather be immature than dull. I'd rather dance around the problems than have some emotional confrontation, to be honest.

I'd rather not cause something and make things worse.

I like how things are now. I preferred things a month or two ago, but this is okay, too.
Everything's okay.

It'll all be okay, in the end.