Why You Shouldn't Care For People

Reasons I shouldn’t drive when angry;

1. I accelerate faster

2. I end up having extremely sucky clutch control

3. I think I end up with tunnel vision. I definitely wasn’t using my peripheral vision.

4. I turn too sharply.

5. I grip the steering wheel slightly too tight, which makes it harder to turn the wheel or hit the indicator.

6. I occasionally get the urge to swerve into the other lane. Just to see how everyone else would react.

Poor ClearlyUnfocused was with me, and after dropping her off my Dad was still in the car, so clearly I wasn’t going to attempt number 6. Doesn’t mean that I didn’t think about it though.

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Today has been shit.

The entire week has been, actually.

Nothing unusual. There are three people who are really annoying and/or hurting me, two of which have often annoyed and/or hurt me in the past. The only reason this is different is because;

a. There’s a third person now

b. I’ve felt rather ill, with it getting progressively worse as the day has gone on

c. Unlike most other times, there are many, many things plaguing my mind right now, and I think it’s just… built up a little too much, maybe.

Everything attacked me all at once today, it seems. This really sucks.

Anyway, the start of the day was fine. Mum seemed agitated, but that’s not unusual. There was an awards ceremony and I got a bronze academic award. Not great, but hardly bad. It would’ve been terrible enough for me to get really upset back in primary school, but these days I don’t usually get anything at all. So I’m happy.

My parents didn’t stick around to congratulate me, though. I ended up chilling with Phantomess and her Dad instead. Before that, though, I did look for my ‘rents. I hung back before entering the library where we had morning tea. I then checked the library itself. After that I looked over the carpark only to see that my parents most certainly were not there.

...If that’s not a clear representation of the relationship between my parents and I, then I don’t know what is.

I’m not that proud of my award. I could’ve done better, but I didn’t. I don’t really feel the need to make a big deal of it, nor do I really want to show it off. But I did want my parents to at least say something to me afterwards.

This lack of encouragement was just made all the more obvious when one of my friends (the same bastard I’m usually complaining about) made sure to congratulate the girl next to me, but didn’t say a word to me. Thanks. Fucker.

Sigh. He’s not exactly the most emotionally able. That said… surely he can understand how confused and hurt I am by him? This is the same kid who became one of my best friends only 5 months ago only to pointedly ignore me after. Just because he has never emotionally invested himself into a friendship, doesn’t mean that I haven’t. He may not understand this, but it hurts a lot when he talks to everyone except me. When he offers things to those around me, but not to me. When he says the exact same things he used to say to me to someone else, as if it wasn’t something we’d previously talked about. When someone else sits where I used to sit, and laughs and jokes around with him like we used to while I sit in silence away from him.

Yeah. It fucking hurts. I’ve always found it difficult to explain human emotion. I can’t say where, or why, or how it hurts, only that it does. It’s not the first time I’ve allowed myself to be hurt by a friendship, nor will it be the last, but unfortunately that doesn’t make this any less painful.

This is why I’m scared of becoming attached to people, I think. Because they’ll let you down.

The entire day has been full of mixed emotions. Around midday, Dad texted to congratulate me on my award. I think I almost burst into tears then. I would’ve preferred if he did stick around earlier on, but at least he did say something. Even if it was only over a text message.

As I said, I only broke down today because of a lot of things. The above is from today, but by no means is it the be all and end all of what’s bugging me. I’ve lost friends before. I’ve only kept one friend from primary school, for example. On the other hand, I do have a friend that I had since I was a very, very young child, but I’m not sure what I feel about her. I know how unimportant I am to her. I introduced her to her last boyfriend, and trust me when I say that I was pushed aside for him. So I’m hardly new to losing friends. Even so, I'm terrified about what'll happen to my social group with university. I’ll be going somewhere new, with no previous friends with me. Sure, I had to do the same thing when I started high school, but still.

I knew I was going to a different uni than everyone else. But recently two of my friends have been discussing moving interstate for their tertiary education. Obviously, I will not be following them. Don’t get me wrong, I am very happy for them. I wish I had the ambition to bother looking interstate rather than staying close to home. We need to seize every opportunity that comes our way, because we may never get a second chance. But… you know, it’s just so much more in-your-face now. It’s more obvious that we’re all going to be separated at the end of this year. Perhaps wanting them to go to the same university as me would only be delaying the inevitable.

Honestly, I can’t help but think that maybe it’d be less painful to start cutting ties now. To stop myself from becoming attached. The only person I’ve consistently been able to see in my future is Lainey. Three days ago this was playing on my mind for hours. All through class. As a child I’ve often heard that you need to get used to loss. Ask anyone. You don’t retain the same friends for your whole life.

Perhaps I should stop worrying about my social life and put all my effort into my school work. By doing that, it shouldn’t be such a sharp contrast when I start uni as a friendless nobody. It should be easier. Right?

...Right?

Ah, but, even so, I can’t bring myself to do that, and perhaps with good reason. When I did eventually break down today during last period, we ended up in a group hug. It was very hot (temperature wise, guys) and squished, but it was also really comforting. And every now and then someone would exclaim “this hurts” or “I think I’m pressing on your shoulder”.

I’ve never had the urge to laugh whilst trying to hide the tears before. It’s an odd feeling. A good feeling, but an odd one all the same. And you know, that did a lot more for me than being pitied or having to explain the situation to them ever could have.

These are the people I care about, and they actually care about me in return. Even if it would be easier to try and cut ties now... I'd rather not. Because, truth be told, I don’t want to lose them.

So… you know, the future is uncertain. And I don’t know where it’ll carry me. Where it’ll carry us. But maybe… maybe this is worth holding on to. At least for now.

Random fact: If you asked me in primary school who I thought would still be one of my closest friends in 5 years time, I would not have answered with Lainey. Hey, maybe this’ll be one of those situations. Maybe the people who keep in contact with me will surprise me greatly. Maybe they won’t. I shouldn’t worry about it, though. Why panic about what the future holds when I’ve got so many good things to hold onto in the present?

...Heh. I can’t possibly end on a positive note. Let me continue with my emo story from earlier. So there’s this other guy. I may have blogged about him before? I don’t know. Anyway, things have been… weird with him. We had… a thing, two years ago, but there have been issues that stopped us getting together. I kinda liked him on and off through last year, but… well, I realised while I was overseas that he really didn’t bother to keep in contact with me. I texted him a few times, and he hardly replied, even when I asked him to at least try to hold a conversation with me. For the entirety of those holidays I had little to no contact with him. Over the course of term one this year, I ended up moving on from him. So yeah, my reasons were basically that we didn’t keep contact and that he didn’t seem to care all that much.

And, oddly enough, he just texted me to ask if I was okay after being upset this afternoon.

God, the irony. I stopped caring because he didn’t text me or contact me, and now he’s messaging me out of the blue specifically to ask if I’m okay? Pfft. If there is a God, he must love messing with me.

Oh, and, before I forget, the third person that's really annoyed me today? She has a habit of hurting people. No joke, she seems to hurt everyone. And look, she’s never done anything to me. She’s definitely done things worthy of my disliking, but I’m pretty sure she’s never intentionally tried to harm me. Maybe I just needed someone else to hate today. Maybe I’m just sick of the crap she pulls on everyone else. I don’t know. But it certainly didn’t help things today. Then again, very little was going to help things today, so perhaps I should turn off the computer, crawl into bed and sleep away everything that’s happened. Yes. That sounds good right now.

If anyone needs me, I'll be the ball-shaped-thing under the covers.