Jigsaw Falling Into Place

Title is just taken from a song that's coming up next in my playlist. It's been a Radiohead afternoon.

So I usually try to shy away from personal stuff in my blogs, just because anyone can find them and I don't expect to get many followers if I'm always going on about myself. Not that I've had many subscribers anyway, but I digress. Sometimes a person needs to rant, and this is my rant. The only people I know in real life who definitely know the link to my blog are trustworthy, so if they happen to stumble across this then so be it.

I don't like our society. We worship the wrong people, we shun the ones who help us and everyone acts like it's all in black and white (Pokemon reference? Well, no, but whatever). Um, excuse me, but just because you're hot, doesn't mean you're important. Doctors help us, so we really shouldn't be neglecting the smart kids who'll one day grow up to remove cancerous tumors from our systems. And there are so many gray areas in life, there's rarely a definite 'yes' or 'no' answer. Unless you're really into maths. That's the only time everything is definitive.
'Course, it'd be nice if everything was in black and white. I wish I could just have a scan of my brain and have scientists say "ok, you're like this mentally, you like this sort of people and you're subconsciously into this". I hate talking to someone only to realise a few days later that you kind of maybe hate their guts. I'm sick of people getting put down about their sexuality when they didn't choose it, and, as I'm sure many other people would agree with me, being upset over nothing sucks and I'd like to know if there's a reason for it.

Ahem, that went off on its own tangent. I'm going to use relationships as an example for my recent epiphany on life. There've been times when I've really liked someone, gotten close to dating them and then suddenly I just don't like them anymore. It's like I'm subconsciously messing with them. I don't want to do that. Not to mention that there have been times when I've seen someone and gone "damn I'd like to tap that. Pity she's the wrong gender".
Really now. I don't think I'm a lesbian. I definitely like guys. I'm pretty iffy about being bisexual, although I've never thought about that before, either. I don't like women. They're bitchy, emotional and lack the physical features I'd like in a partner. And while boobs make for great pillows, it's annoying and awkward trying to hug someone and just smooshing our fatty chest-tissue together.

Still, I can't help but question my sexuality just a little bit. More and more homosexuals are appearing in every day media and I know of at least one of my friends who's gay. No, I'm not thinking about being gay because it's the new it thing, I'm thinking about it because it's no longer seen as a horrible, unspoken thing. It's real and it's not a sin. I have a big rant about religious views on same-sex couples but let's not get into that now. I've liked a girl. Just one. Like I said, I don't usually like women. Except for this one. And while nothing would ever happen between us, it was a big slap in the face. I spent a good portion of that crush berating myself and metaphorically punching walls in my mind.
Should I have done that? No. Did I do it anyway? Yeah, I did. Someone should've slapped me but nobody else knew about it at the time.
'Course, that's no excuse. I should've been able to slap myself out of it, but I didn't. It's a bit hypocritical. I've always been for gay rights and I often tell people that sexuality doesn't matter. Still, it's different when it's actually you. It's different and considerably more difficult.

Whether the fanfiction I read and write affects me is questionable. Yeah, I guess it does, but does it directly influence me? That's a harder thing to answer. There's lots of yaoi and yuri fics and that's probably opened me up to everything more. Everything influences me though. So now I'm even more confused. Am I thinking about this more because of everything around me? Is this a generic 'finding yourself' phase?

I don't know. I don't care. I don't think life is a puzzle where we just wait for the pieces to fall into place (and that is how I will incorporate the title. Yeahh). I think it's more like tetris. We think we know what's going on now but we don't actually know what the next piece will be. The pieces can be anything, and they'll all be shaped depending on what's around us and what we learn. When we do get the next piece, we're just going to have to fit it in somehow.

Yay for random unintelligible babble!