I've been into Homestuck (as you can tell from the title here) and Harry Potter recently, but ended up getting into the Hetalia Halloween event anyway. I joined late, but didn't miss too much, and spent the last 4 or 5 days refreshing for updates.
After all the bitching and hate towards Hetalia, I had forgotten how amazing the fandom really could be. Everyone is just so excited over this event and I expect them to remain so over the next few days. It all feels pretty positive. And after a few people complained over the USUK hints, the LJ comm had this huge lovefest. Someone would name a ship and people would come to talk about it and why they loved it.
There was little hate, and the comments that were hate-filled were primarily ignored. It was brilliant. There weren't many shipping wars or anything (I saw some complaints on Tumblr, but they were few and far between) and everything was really jovial and lighthearted. And accepting. I like to think that we managed to really sidestep the "all hetafags are assholes" theory that I keep seeing around the 'net.
I mustered up the courage to post on LJ, and ended up talking to a few people on there. It was pretty sweet.
So yeah, I'm feeling pretty positive. The whole event was really good. The newest appearance, India, is looking damn fine. Prussia was epic, and Romano... wow, ahahaha. It was nice to see him acting a little more affectionate towards Spain as well. Moreso than usual, I believe.
The UKUS shipper in me is also rejoicing. It did not escape my notice that Batman and Robin are one of the most ambiguously gay superhero pairs out there, and that America specifically searched out England to dress up with him. Come on, that's just... maybe I'm looking too far into it, but damn I ship them so hard right now.
I'm going to be in a very Hetalia-oriented frame of mind for the next few days.
Nov 8, 2011
Oct 9, 2011
2011 Autumn Anime Season
I've started watching a number of anime this season. Usually I only watch one or two, but I'm going all out this season since my school work-load should be significantly smaller.
...The key word here being should, of course. Let's just hope I'm right in making that assumption.
Anyway, Over the course of today (or, well, yesterday, since it's an hour into tomorrow, technically) I've watched C3, Maji De Watashi Ni Koi Shinasai!!, Kimi to Boku and Tamayura: Hitotose. The first episode of Boku Wa Tomodachi Ga Sukunai was subbed not long ago, so I'll watch that in the morning, while Mirai Nikki and Guilty Crown should be airing within the next week or so.
First opinions? Well, C3 (Cube X Cursed X Curious) is... uhm... different. I expected a lot from the synopsis. Anything that mentions curses that many times must be good, right? Hm, well, the first episode really disappointed me. Too much fanservice (panty-shots in general are just bleh for me, and the amount in this show is astonishing) and badly placed humour for a show about curses and things like that. I expected it to be dark. It wasn't. At all.
I'll watch the second episode, but I'm not holding my breath on it being worthwhile, to be honest.
Tamayura: Hitotose is a slice-of-life type anime. I think it's kinda dull, but at the same time... it's captivating. The girls are all very sweet and have really different hobbies and personalities, from what I've seen, and I think it could turn into something pretty good. The music and slow pace could be a bit boring for some but I did enjoy it, so I'll be going back.
Kimi to Boku was one of the anime I was looking forward to the most. Too many slice-of-life shows feature a group of girls, so I was looking forward to a group of guys for once.
It wasn't great, but it wasn't bad either. That's all I really have to say on it. I'm kinda looking forward to the next episode of this one as well.
Maji De Watashi Ni Koi Shinasai!! is the one that impressed me the most. I wasn't expecting it to, actually. I quite liked the faux-war thing, and how the girls and guys were all fighting equally for once. There's some ship tease here, but that doesn't seem to be the overarching plot. Even so, I really liked this one.
It has loads and loads of characters though, which tends to confuse me. But hey, apart from that, I'm intrigued by this one. This is one I'm definitely going to continue with.
I don't even know why I want to watch Boku Wa Tomodachi Ga Sukunai. It's something about the characters, rather than the show itself, I think. Mirai Nikki interests me because it's dark, has supernatural elements and features some sort of battle-to-the-death thing. Actually, from what I've read, it seems kinda similar to The Hunger Games, only with supernatural stuff added to it. Anyway, nothing else is very dark at all out of the shows I'm interested in, so this'll be a nice addition to my anime-I-must-watch list.
I have very little knowledge about Guilty Crown but the trailers look damn interesting. It's airing on noitaminA as well, which is always a plus. It usually shows a lot of deep, complex and/or dark anime, which is always good.
So, overall? So far only Maji De Watashi Ni Koi Shinasai!! has really impressed me, though I hold hope for both Tamayura: Hitotose and Kimi to Boku. C3 was... pretty terrible. Maybe it'll get better.
I'm massively looking forward to both Mirai Nikki and Guilty Crown because a girl needs her dark-violent anime in her life, right? And hell, they actually really do look intriguing. Maybe it won't entertain me as much as Death Note but perhaps they'll come close?
I have no real thoughts on Boku Wa Tomodachi Ga Sukunai. Looks interesting, but I haven't really given it much thought nor have I looked into it much. Let's just see how it goes.
...The key word here being should, of course. Let's just hope I'm right in making that assumption.
Anyway, Over the course of today (or, well, yesterday, since it's an hour into tomorrow, technically) I've watched C3, Maji De Watashi Ni Koi Shinasai!!, Kimi to Boku and Tamayura: Hitotose. The first episode of Boku Wa Tomodachi Ga Sukunai was subbed not long ago, so I'll watch that in the morning, while Mirai Nikki and Guilty Crown should be airing within the next week or so.
First opinions? Well, C3 (Cube X Cursed X Curious) is... uhm... different. I expected a lot from the synopsis. Anything that mentions curses that many times must be good, right? Hm, well, the first episode really disappointed me. Too much fanservice (panty-shots in general are just bleh for me, and the amount in this show is astonishing) and badly placed humour for a show about curses and things like that. I expected it to be dark. It wasn't. At all.
I'll watch the second episode, but I'm not holding my breath on it being worthwhile, to be honest.
Tamayura: Hitotose is a slice-of-life type anime. I think it's kinda dull, but at the same time... it's captivating. The girls are all very sweet and have really different hobbies and personalities, from what I've seen, and I think it could turn into something pretty good. The music and slow pace could be a bit boring for some but I did enjoy it, so I'll be going back.
Kimi to Boku was one of the anime I was looking forward to the most. Too many slice-of-life shows feature a group of girls, so I was looking forward to a group of guys for once.
It wasn't great, but it wasn't bad either. That's all I really have to say on it. I'm kinda looking forward to the next episode of this one as well.
Maji De Watashi Ni Koi Shinasai!! is the one that impressed me the most. I wasn't expecting it to, actually. I quite liked the faux-war thing, and how the girls and guys were all fighting equally for once. There's some ship tease here, but that doesn't seem to be the overarching plot. Even so, I really liked this one.
It has loads and loads of characters though, which tends to confuse me. But hey, apart from that, I'm intrigued by this one. This is one I'm definitely going to continue with.
I don't even know why I want to watch Boku Wa Tomodachi Ga Sukunai. It's something about the characters, rather than the show itself, I think. Mirai Nikki interests me because it's dark, has supernatural elements and features some sort of battle-to-the-death thing. Actually, from what I've read, it seems kinda similar to The Hunger Games, only with supernatural stuff added to it. Anyway, nothing else is very dark at all out of the shows I'm interested in, so this'll be a nice addition to my anime-I-must-watch list.
I have very little knowledge about Guilty Crown but the trailers look damn interesting. It's airing on noitaminA as well, which is always a plus. It usually shows a lot of deep, complex and/or dark anime, which is always good.
So, overall? So far only Maji De Watashi Ni Koi Shinasai!! has really impressed me, though I hold hope for both Tamayura: Hitotose and Kimi to Boku. C3 was... pretty terrible. Maybe it'll get better.
I'm massively looking forward to both Mirai Nikki and Guilty Crown because a girl needs her dark-violent anime in her life, right? And hell, they actually really do look intriguing. Maybe it won't entertain me as much as Death Note but perhaps they'll come close?
I have no real thoughts on Boku Wa Tomodachi Ga Sukunai. Looks interesting, but I haven't really given it much thought nor have I looked into it much. Let's just see how it goes.
Oct 6, 2011
Random Inexplicable Illness
I woke up early this morning to continue working on an assignment. I was fine at first, but not long after my parents got up, I started to feel terrible and perhaps a little apprehensive. I had the urge to move, and the more I sat still, the worse I felt. The urge to throw up only left after I stood up and paced the hallway.
I feel very, very sick, and I don’t believe it’s the usual, physical kind of sick. If that were the case, I’d most likely need to stay lying down, or, depending on what I had, either eat more, or eat less. I’m fine eating. I don’t feel hungry, or not hungry. There’s nothing else really wrong with me unless you count the return of my insomnia or this weird apprehension that’s settled in my stomach. It doesn’t feel like the weird digestion problems I usually have. It doesn’t feel like anything I’ve ever had before, to be honest.
No, this illness is different. I just need to move, otherwise I feel queasy and the apprehension sets in strongly, to the point of genuine fear. Of what I’m scared of, I have no clue. Relations with my parents are surprisingly good at the moment. I’m procrastinating at school, but that’s never worried me before. I’ve always been prepared to face an E grade because, with how late I start things, I’ve always known there’d be a high chance of it. Hell, I’ve had plenty of E's in the past. So I’m not scared about failing this assignment.
The only thing I can think of is this soloists concert tonight that I’m playing at, but I’ve never felt scared of playing this early before I go on stage. Usually I don’t feel a thing until I’m almost ready to face the audience. That’s when I start shaking and panicking, of course, but... there’s almost 12 hours before I go perform (as of the time I started writing this) and... I feel really, really scared.
It’s weird. And the fear is just making the sickness worse, and that sickness seems to intensify said fear. If this doesn’t let up, I’m hardly going to be able to do my assignment or perform, so the timing of this is splendid.
I need to move but I can’t, because I need to work and that involves sitting at a desk. There’s nothing I can do about that.
I’m wondering where the hell all this weirdness is coming from, and if any of my emotions are linked to this. Gradually over the last two years I’ve become complacent, uncaring and bored with everything. Over the last few weeks I’ve felt the trust I always had between myself and both friends and family decline dramatically. Even my Dad isn’t immune to this. He’s someone that I’ve always held in an extremely high regard, someone I’ve always looked up to and trusted with all my heart. Now I find myself questioning everything he says and avoiding eye contact. Why?
I don’t think its paranoia, per se, because I certainly don’t think he wants to do anything bad to me. I don’t think anyone I know wants to harm me, and if they did it’d be talking behind my back (something I know happens anyway, and I’ve never cared before), so I'm certain it's not related to that.
I can’t sleep, I can’t focus, I can’t keep myself trusting, I can’t speak to anyone about it, and I’m starting to think that I actually feel legitimately sick because of it.
I still have no explanation for this massive fear, though. I have never felt anything like this before. Not like the fear on a roller coaster or something. It’s just this steady, building feeling that something terrible is going to happen and I know it, but I can’t consciously grab onto whatever it is that I know about. And the longer I wait, the worse I feel.
I’d talk to people, but of the people I usually talk to, half of them are oddly happy right now, and the other half are seriously not. I don’t want to ruin that happiness, and I certainly don’t want to impose on someone who’s already upset about something. So I’m not sure who I’d talk to about this. Once again, amazing timing on my part.
I just... I’m scared. And I don’t know why. I’m sick, tired and scared, and I can’t control it. I can’t just tell myself it’s fine, because it’s not.
I am not in the right frame of mind to do work right now, but it’s the start of term. I can hardly give up already.
I don’t even know what the hell is wrong with me anymore.
Sep 29, 2011
Do You Ever Get the Urge to Just Run, Run and Get Gone?
I promised Lainey that I'd upload my post on my own religious views and other things that have been plaguing my mind recently, but I haven't really finished it. I still don't know what I think about life. I dunno if I'm just doing this soul searching thing incorrectly or what, but I'm kinda struggling. The post is half done, but not really finished and I can't bring myself to post it just yet.
I'm not sure I believe in anything, to be honest. I think there are supernatural forces, but I don't know what and I'm certainly not going to put any trust into them. I just believe in, you know, people, animals, the stuff we can see... I think we're connected, but by a God? I don't know. I just don't know. I wish I did.
I don't think anyone knows. That doesn't stop people from fighting, of course, but it just seems to me that there'll never be a winner. We can't prove anything. So why provoke others? Why post about things that supposedly prove or disprove your own beliefs (or lack thereof) when you know you're just going to piss someone off? I don't understand that.
It's been awhile since I last posted, but all my thoughts tend to turn angsty after writing for awhile, so I end up giving up half way through. I blame fanfiction for that. As a preteen I kind of mostly wrote angst. If it didn't turn out angsty, it didn't feel emotional enough for me. So I think my mind just automatically falls into that emotional state when I start writing, whether it be a fictional or non fictional piece I'm doing.
I found my old book of poetry from when I was younger... say, of the ages of 12 to 14 or so. That writing was mostly dark too, I guess. Some of it was actually quite good, but most wasn't. It's funny how I look back and just laugh at myself. It all meant so much at the time. Now it means nothing at all. I bet that, if I don't delete this soon enough, some point in the future I'll look back and laugh at everything I've written here.
Important at the time, not important in the long run. But that's the nature of things... of all things, really. No use dwelling on any of it.
I've recently resigned to the fact that I'm going to be on medication for the rest of my life. I've always had issues with hayfever, (as one of the more minor things), but I've recently gotten onto iron tablets and a range of multivitamins. The doctor still suspects that I'm having nutrient absorption issues, meaning that once we find out what's actually the problem, I'll end up on more meds to make sure I get everything I need. Which is great.
Kinda sad that I'll forever be relying on synthetic medication to keep myself going. No idea how that's going to work when I travel. I still want to get the hell out of this place, but how do you go about buying prescription drugs overseas? Are Australian prescriptions still valid in other countries? I'd hope so.
Would I actually be happier overseas, though? Would moving away from what's comfortable and familiar be better for me? I dunno. I just have this urge to keep moving, but I'm not sure if that's really a viable option. I'd have to settle down eventually (whether that be with a husband, wife or several cats, I'm not sure, but any of those options sound good). A person who needs medication to survive probably wouldn't do too well backbacking across Europe or living in a caravan and always on the move at the ripe old age of 60.
I've never liked the idea of growing old, but I guess that can't really be helped. You either die young or age, and I suppose the latter is probably the better option. I probably shouldn't even consider the former.
I think all this is why I'm into cosplay and roleplay, actually. You get to be someone else for a bit. You get to be someone younger, or older, or another gender, another species even... you just get to be someone you aren't. I'm pretty sure everyone gets bored of being themselves at some point. It can't be just me. And hey, maybe this is why I want to travel. I can reinvent myself at every new place. No one will know me. No one will expect me to do certain things or say certain things. I'll get to meet new people and experience completely new things all the time, right?
I think I'm driven by boredom.
Thing is, by staying in one place you get swept into everything that happens there. Suddenly stupid, meaningless things become important because there's nothing else to focus on. You run out of the interesting and have to make do with the mundane. I don't want that.
I still think I'm also driven by fear of turning into my Mother, who does spend her days talking about things she could've done, things she could've seen, but didn't, because she got married, had kids and settled into the dull, normal life that is expected of everyone. And you know, I still don't want kids. Maybe it's because I'm scared of hurting them like she's hurt me, or maybe it's because I don't want to be tied down to them like she was. I think it's a mixture of both. And I think, maybe I'm just not cut out for that sort of thing, anyway. The majority of the world suffers from overpopulation, why add to that if it's not something you want, or if it's something you think you'll screw up? I'll take care of my friends kids when they need me to. I'll probably keep pets. But I don't think I want my own children. If I do end up married in the future, then I guess the topic will come up, and I'll cross that bridge when I come to it, but... for the moment, no. It's not something I want, even in the future, and it's certainly not something that I need.
Hell, I'm not sure I want to get married. At all. I'm more of a romanticist than I'd like, and I miss the security of being in a relationship, but it also ties you down. I don't know. Just something else I'm not sure I'd want, and to be honest I have my own major reasons not to date. I've blogged about that before, though, so I won't discuss that again.
I don't think I'm anti-social, but, reading over this... I don't want to be tied to too much, I guess. I don't usually like being alone, and I'd like a very close friend to travel with, but I guess that's all. Just one person. Maybe more, depending on circumstances, but... right now, I think I'd like just someone to fill in the social void while I'm out exploring the world, and vice versa. And we could watch the sun come up before hitting the road again. We'd get lost in the streets of Venice and day dream on the beach for hours on end. And we'd drink to the new year with strangers we'll never remember, and learn the local stories from people with thick accents that we can hardly understand. We'd just travel, with no need to fill the silence needlessly or anything. Yeah. Something like that.
I'm not sure I believe in anything, to be honest. I think there are supernatural forces, but I don't know what and I'm certainly not going to put any trust into them. I just believe in, you know, people, animals, the stuff we can see... I think we're connected, but by a God? I don't know. I just don't know. I wish I did.
I don't think anyone knows. That doesn't stop people from fighting, of course, but it just seems to me that there'll never be a winner. We can't prove anything. So why provoke others? Why post about things that supposedly prove or disprove your own beliefs (or lack thereof) when you know you're just going to piss someone off? I don't understand that.
It's been awhile since I last posted, but all my thoughts tend to turn angsty after writing for awhile, so I end up giving up half way through. I blame fanfiction for that. As a preteen I kind of mostly wrote angst. If it didn't turn out angsty, it didn't feel emotional enough for me. So I think my mind just automatically falls into that emotional state when I start writing, whether it be a fictional or non fictional piece I'm doing.
I found my old book of poetry from when I was younger... say, of the ages of 12 to 14 or so. That writing was mostly dark too, I guess. Some of it was actually quite good, but most wasn't. It's funny how I look back and just laugh at myself. It all meant so much at the time. Now it means nothing at all. I bet that, if I don't delete this soon enough, some point in the future I'll look back and laugh at everything I've written here.
Important at the time, not important in the long run. But that's the nature of things... of all things, really. No use dwelling on any of it.
I've recently resigned to the fact that I'm going to be on medication for the rest of my life. I've always had issues with hayfever, (as one of the more minor things), but I've recently gotten onto iron tablets and a range of multivitamins. The doctor still suspects that I'm having nutrient absorption issues, meaning that once we find out what's actually the problem, I'll end up on more meds to make sure I get everything I need. Which is great.
Kinda sad that I'll forever be relying on synthetic medication to keep myself going. No idea how that's going to work when I travel. I still want to get the hell out of this place, but how do you go about buying prescription drugs overseas? Are Australian prescriptions still valid in other countries? I'd hope so.
Would I actually be happier overseas, though? Would moving away from what's comfortable and familiar be better for me? I dunno. I just have this urge to keep moving, but I'm not sure if that's really a viable option. I'd have to settle down eventually (whether that be with a husband, wife or several cats, I'm not sure, but any of those options sound good). A person who needs medication to survive probably wouldn't do too well backbacking across Europe or living in a caravan and always on the move at the ripe old age of 60.
I've never liked the idea of growing old, but I guess that can't really be helped. You either die young or age, and I suppose the latter is probably the better option. I probably shouldn't even consider the former.
I think all this is why I'm into cosplay and roleplay, actually. You get to be someone else for a bit. You get to be someone younger, or older, or another gender, another species even... you just get to be someone you aren't. I'm pretty sure everyone gets bored of being themselves at some point. It can't be just me. And hey, maybe this is why I want to travel. I can reinvent myself at every new place. No one will know me. No one will expect me to do certain things or say certain things. I'll get to meet new people and experience completely new things all the time, right?
I think I'm driven by boredom.
Thing is, by staying in one place you get swept into everything that happens there. Suddenly stupid, meaningless things become important because there's nothing else to focus on. You run out of the interesting and have to make do with the mundane. I don't want that.
I still think I'm also driven by fear of turning into my Mother, who does spend her days talking about things she could've done, things she could've seen, but didn't, because she got married, had kids and settled into the dull, normal life that is expected of everyone. And you know, I still don't want kids. Maybe it's because I'm scared of hurting them like she's hurt me, or maybe it's because I don't want to be tied down to them like she was. I think it's a mixture of both. And I think, maybe I'm just not cut out for that sort of thing, anyway. The majority of the world suffers from overpopulation, why add to that if it's not something you want, or if it's something you think you'll screw up? I'll take care of my friends kids when they need me to. I'll probably keep pets. But I don't think I want my own children. If I do end up married in the future, then I guess the topic will come up, and I'll cross that bridge when I come to it, but... for the moment, no. It's not something I want, even in the future, and it's certainly not something that I need.
Hell, I'm not sure I want to get married. At all. I'm more of a romanticist than I'd like, and I miss the security of being in a relationship, but it also ties you down. I don't know. Just something else I'm not sure I'd want, and to be honest I have my own major reasons not to date. I've blogged about that before, though, so I won't discuss that again.
I don't think I'm anti-social, but, reading over this... I don't want to be tied to too much, I guess. I don't usually like being alone, and I'd like a very close friend to travel with, but I guess that's all. Just one person. Maybe more, depending on circumstances, but... right now, I think I'd like just someone to fill in the social void while I'm out exploring the world, and vice versa. And we could watch the sun come up before hitting the road again. We'd get lost in the streets of Venice and day dream on the beach for hours on end. And we'd drink to the new year with strangers we'll never remember, and learn the local stories from people with thick accents that we can hardly understand. We'd just travel, with no need to fill the silence needlessly or anything. Yeah. Something like that.
Sep 21, 2011
Cementing My Knowledge of Japanese Adjectives
This post is pretty much just me attempting to remind myself of how to conjugate Japanese adjectives. It's the only section I've really struggled with thus far, so I figure it can't hurt to write out what I've learnt to try and remember it better. So yeah, no need to read unless you want to learn a little Japanese =P
な (na)- adjectives omit the な when coming after a noun. When preceding a noun, however, the な is included. ie: 車は好きです (kuruma wa suki desu) will become 好きなくるまです(suki-na kuruma desu).
な adjectives are conjugated as follows;
Positive - です (desu)
Past - でした (deshita)
Negative - じゃりません (jarimasen)
Past-negative - じゃりませんでした (jarimasendeshita)
い (i)- adjectives are recognised as always ending in 'i' when positive. There are exceptions (すき and きれい ending in い but actually being な adjectives, for example) but there's no real way to explain or learn that other than plain old memorisation and practice. The い is included both before and after the noun, however it will change depending on conjugation.
Conjugation is as follows;
Positive - い (i)
Past - かった (katta)
Negative - くない (kunai)
Past-negative - くなかった (kunakatta)
Oddly enough, you will usually add です (desu) to the end of each phrase regardless of whether it's in past or present test, or whether it's positive or negative. It's a politeness thing.
So if you were to say your car is not dangerous you would have to include です (desu) at the end despite the sentence being neither positive nor in present tense. ie: あなたの車は危なくなかったです (anata no kuruma wa abunakunakatta desu).
When the adjective is preceding the noun, it's easier to see the adjective + object as one entity rather than two separate words. It makes figuring out sentence structure and speaking fluently easier.
な (na)- adjectives omit the な when coming after a noun. When preceding a noun, however, the な is included. ie: 車は好きです (kuruma wa suki desu) will become 好きなくるまです(suki-na kuruma desu).
な adjectives are conjugated as follows;
Positive - です (desu)
Past - でした (deshita)
Negative - じゃりません (jarimasen)
Past-negative - じゃりませんでした (jarimasendeshita)
い (i)- adjectives are recognised as always ending in 'i' when positive. There are exceptions (すき and きれい ending in い but actually being な adjectives, for example) but there's no real way to explain or learn that other than plain old memorisation and practice. The い is included both before and after the noun, however it will change depending on conjugation.
Conjugation is as follows;
Positive - い (i)
Past - かった (katta)
Negative - くない (kunai)
Past-negative - くなかった (kunakatta)
Oddly enough, you will usually add です (desu) to the end of each phrase regardless of whether it's in past or present test, or whether it's positive or negative. It's a politeness thing.
So if you were to say your car is not dangerous you would have to include です (desu) at the end despite the sentence being neither positive nor in present tense. ie: あなたの車は危なくなかったです (anata no kuruma wa abunakunakatta desu).
When the adjective is preceding the noun, it's easier to see the adjective + object as one entity rather than two separate words. It makes figuring out sentence structure and speaking fluently easier.
Sep 16, 2011
The Day The Music Died♫
That awkward moment when there's nothing awkward to comment on.
It's the holidays again. Third term is over. All that's left is the (supposedly) most laid-back term of our lives. I should be celebrating, I guess, but instead I salvaged my old Sims downloads from the backup of my old harddrive and sung loudly (and terribly) to old music.
I'm being somewhat social these holidays, actually. The formal is this Sunday and I have a sleep over that night. Lainey and I are organising stuff for Wednesday already. Feels good, man. It's nice to get out of the house with mah bros. Usually I don't. Mum's in a good mood, though, so I'm willing to test the boundaries and actually do something with my friends.
Speaking of the formal, I have body tape so I can make sure the dress actually fits around my rib cage properly. It's kind of bulging, rofl. I must have the strangest body shape, because there are other sections of the dress that I almost don't fit into at all.
I've found yet another guide for chest-bindings. Ah, the pain of having boobs and wanting to cosplay as a guy. See, it's okay the other way around, because it's much easier to fake having boobs when you don't. It's a lot more difficult to fake being flat chested when you're quite clearly not. Bah. According to my research, there's a good chance that I'll end up weakening the tissue in my chest due to how much goddamn fat I'm trying to flatten out. Sounds healthy.
...oh well. The things I'll (eventually) do for cosplay. If only there was a female character I actually wanted to cosplay as. All my favourite characters are male. Hm.
I've been on Pottermore recently. My wand is 9 1/2 inches long, and made of cedar with unicorn hair as the core. I was sorted into Slytherin. The unicorn hair means that my wand is less likely to swing to the dark arts, but apart from that, I'm pretty happy with what I've got. My wand is the shortest of my group... but, it's totally not about size, guys. =P
I'm nearing a hundred house points now. Which isn't... bad, but there are plenty of people with 5000 points. How? With dueling down, we can only get points by brewing potions... which takes a good 90 minutes, and you can get a maximum of 11 points per potion. 5000 points from that??? That's... yeah, I'm not going to aspire towards that. I'll just chill here with under 100 points like the cool bro I am.
Slytherin is winning, despite having the least amount of members. This pleases me greatly. 'bout time we knocked Ravenclaw down a peg or two. Heh. No, I'm just kidding, Ravenclaw bros. You guys are cool too, probably.
I was playing The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time 3D for a few days last week. It's very, very cool, though it's not much different from the original. Just, you know, with vastly better graphics, more item slots and an extra dimension added to the gameplay. That's exactly what I wanted from the remake, though, so that's fine. The 3D really is quite amazing. After awhile I started to get used to it, and figured that I wouldn't notice if I turned the 3D down.
...I did notice. Everything looked so much more flat (durr, GoJo. Well done) and less... I don't know, real, I guess? Not that it looks real in 3D... but I just felt much more immersed in the game world with it in 3D. It was actually quite weird to play the Wii afterwards.
What else has happened recently... No. 6 finished. The last episode was... kind of disappointing. A lot of people will disagree with me there, but... it felt kind of rushed. Not surprising, with how short the anime was, but I still felt it could've been better. I also hate how Nezumi just leaves. For no truly great reason. Was this just some excuse for there to be a bittersweet ending? Instead of saying "and they lived happily ever after", they pretended that Nezumi had some great... something to attend to, and that they couldn't live peacefully together, and ugh it made no sense to me. It just felt contrived and ridiculous.
...not that the book was much better. It ended the same way, but a little less quick and more emotional.
...I was expecting an ending that would leave me in a completely and utter mess. Instead, I just kinda felt tired and annoyed that I'd woken up at 5:30 to watch something that didn't really affect me in any way whatsoever. It was pretty sucky for me, to be honest.
Anyway this entire post has been pointless. It's just been awhile and I thought that I should make up for my lack of interesting topics to blog about. Heh.
It's the holidays again. Third term is over. All that's left is the (supposedly) most laid-back term of our lives. I should be celebrating, I guess, but instead I salvaged my old Sims downloads from the backup of my old harddrive and sung loudly (and terribly) to old music.
I'm being somewhat social these holidays, actually. The formal is this Sunday and I have a sleep over that night. Lainey and I are organising stuff for Wednesday already. Feels good, man. It's nice to get out of the house with mah bros. Usually I don't. Mum's in a good mood, though, so I'm willing to test the boundaries and actually do something with my friends.
Speaking of the formal, I have body tape so I can make sure the dress actually fits around my rib cage properly. It's kind of bulging, rofl. I must have the strangest body shape, because there are other sections of the dress that I almost don't fit into at all.
I've found yet another guide for chest-bindings. Ah, the pain of having boobs and wanting to cosplay as a guy. See, it's okay the other way around, because it's much easier to fake having boobs when you don't. It's a lot more difficult to fake being flat chested when you're quite clearly not. Bah. According to my research, there's a good chance that I'll end up weakening the tissue in my chest due to how much goddamn fat I'm trying to flatten out. Sounds healthy.
...oh well. The things I'll (eventually) do for cosplay. If only there was a female character I actually wanted to cosplay as. All my favourite characters are male. Hm.
I've been on Pottermore recently. My wand is 9 1/2 inches long, and made of cedar with unicorn hair as the core. I was sorted into Slytherin. The unicorn hair means that my wand is less likely to swing to the dark arts, but apart from that, I'm pretty happy with what I've got. My wand is the shortest of my group... but, it's totally not about size, guys. =P
I'm nearing a hundred house points now. Which isn't... bad, but there are plenty of people with 5000 points. How? With dueling down, we can only get points by brewing potions... which takes a good 90 minutes, and you can get a maximum of 11 points per potion. 5000 points from that??? That's... yeah, I'm not going to aspire towards that. I'll just chill here with under 100 points like the cool bro I am.
Slytherin is winning, despite having the least amount of members. This pleases me greatly. 'bout time we knocked Ravenclaw down a peg or two. Heh. No, I'm just kidding, Ravenclaw bros. You guys are cool too, probably.
I was playing The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time 3D for a few days last week. It's very, very cool, though it's not much different from the original. Just, you know, with vastly better graphics, more item slots and an extra dimension added to the gameplay. That's exactly what I wanted from the remake, though, so that's fine. The 3D really is quite amazing. After awhile I started to get used to it, and figured that I wouldn't notice if I turned the 3D down.
...I did notice. Everything looked so much more flat (durr, GoJo. Well done) and less... I don't know, real, I guess? Not that it looks real in 3D... but I just felt much more immersed in the game world with it in 3D. It was actually quite weird to play the Wii afterwards.
What else has happened recently... No. 6 finished. The last episode was... kind of disappointing. A lot of people will disagree with me there, but... it felt kind of rushed. Not surprising, with how short the anime was, but I still felt it could've been better. I also hate how Nezumi just leaves. For no truly great reason. Was this just some excuse for there to be a bittersweet ending? Instead of saying "and they lived happily ever after", they pretended that Nezumi had some great... something to attend to, and that they couldn't live peacefully together, and ugh it made no sense to me. It just felt contrived and ridiculous.
...not that the book was much better. It ended the same way, but a little less quick and more emotional.
...I was expecting an ending that would leave me in a completely and utter mess. Instead, I just kinda felt tired and annoyed that I'd woken up at 5:30 to watch something that didn't really affect me in any way whatsoever. It was pretty sucky for me, to be honest.
Anyway this entire post has been pointless. It's just been awhile and I thought that I should make up for my lack of interesting topics to blog about. Heh.
Aug 24, 2011
The Oddity That is My Emotions.
Really, this is very pointless, but I don't get in this mood often... or at all, to be honest. So I may as well blog about it.
I feel like listening to someone.
I mean, I listen to people every day. We all do. And there are certain people that I've just allowed to talk to me for hours on end if need be. Right now it's different, though.
I just want to listen to someone. Anyone. I just want someone to ramble on about nothing. About what irks them, what worries them... what inspires them, what excites them... I just want someone to talk to me about themselves. I just want to listen. I don't want it to be text based, though. I want to actually hear the emotions in the person's voice as they speak everything in their heart, soul or mind. Whatever they're willing to share.
Perhaps this is because I'm sick of thinking to myself, or something? I don't know. I don't really care. All that matters is that, right now, I want to listen to someone speak.
Yeah. That's all I have to say. You can all carry on with your evening now.
I feel like listening to someone.
I mean, I listen to people every day. We all do. And there are certain people that I've just allowed to talk to me for hours on end if need be. Right now it's different, though.
I just want to listen to someone. Anyone. I just want someone to ramble on about nothing. About what irks them, what worries them... what inspires them, what excites them... I just want someone to talk to me about themselves. I just want to listen. I don't want it to be text based, though. I want to actually hear the emotions in the person's voice as they speak everything in their heart, soul or mind. Whatever they're willing to share.
Perhaps this is because I'm sick of thinking to myself, or something? I don't know. I don't really care. All that matters is that, right now, I want to listen to someone speak.
Yeah. That's all I have to say. You can all carry on with your evening now.
Aug 21, 2011
Laptop Crash
I woke up this morning to the sound of rain. Rain = good. I really did smile and say to myself "ah, today will be a good day". I then grabbed my laptop and decided to blog about No. 6, the anime I'm currently watching.
And my laptop didn't start up.
It was loading for a long, long time. The Window's logo was there for a lot longer than usual. Then the screen turned black and the laptop just... shut down. So Windows did an automatic start-up check when I restarted, and found a whole bunch of issues that I knew little about.
This meant that I had to crawl out from my warm bed (which is right next to the window, allowing the beautiful sound of the pouring rain to flow through the glass~) and show the issues to Dad. Dad's response?
"...there's nothing we can really do about that. I still think this is memory related, hardware wise, and it'd probably be cheaper to buy a new laptop than try to repair that."
God dammit.
We did a search for restore points, but Windows kindly told me that there weren't any. This is rather odd, because I tend to create a restore point at every installation, just to be safe.
Windows, y u lie to me?
Right now we're booting Puppy Linux off of the disc (disc looks weird. I'm used to typing disk, but a quick Google search told me that disc is more appropriate for CD ROM's. Hm) and copying over my folders to an external harddrive. It's only going to take 50 minutes or so, so I guess I'll just... wait.
This isn't the perfect start to the morning that I was hoping to have.
But whatever. At least we can salvage my stuff, right? It could always be worse.
The irony is very bitter to taste, I must say. I actually started sharing my folders on the laptop last night so that I could start backing them up on the desktop (since this laptop has been kinda sick looking for awhile). I only got through the photos before deciding "hey, I'll back them up tomorrow". And right now, I can't, and I very much wish I had done it yesterday.
If there is a God, he totally hates me. Or perhaps he just enjoys tormenting me. I can't blame him, though. I'm terrible to my Sims.
Dad: Maybe we should flash the bios...
Me: Dad, I don't think you should be flashing anything.
Update: There was an error while moving files. Dad thinks we need to update the bios, but we need to do that through Windows, not Linux. Thing is, Windows refuses to start. At all. To fix that, Dad thinks we'll need to do a partial re-install at the very least, which will delete my files... sigh. We're going to have to mount the harddrive externally, which means driving down to Dad's work to steal the stuff we need. This isn't complicated, really, just very, very annoying.
My poor laptop. You have served me well over the past four years. I will never forget your services. You may pass on secure in the knowledge that, during your short life, you have accomplished much for your owner and have been extraordinarily helpful.
We will never forget you. I will never forget you, old chap. Thank you for your company over the years ♥
And my laptop didn't start up.
It was loading for a long, long time. The Window's logo was there for a lot longer than usual. Then the screen turned black and the laptop just... shut down. So Windows did an automatic start-up check when I restarted, and found a whole bunch of issues that I knew little about.
This meant that I had to crawl out from my warm bed (which is right next to the window, allowing the beautiful sound of the pouring rain to flow through the glass~) and show the issues to Dad. Dad's response?
"...there's nothing we can really do about that. I still think this is memory related, hardware wise, and it'd probably be cheaper to buy a new laptop than try to repair that."
God dammit.
We did a search for restore points, but Windows kindly told me that there weren't any. This is rather odd, because I tend to create a restore point at every installation, just to be safe.
Windows, y u lie to me?
Right now we're booting Puppy Linux off of the disc (disc looks weird. I'm used to typing disk, but a quick Google search told me that disc is more appropriate for CD ROM's. Hm) and copying over my folders to an external harddrive. It's only going to take 50 minutes or so, so I guess I'll just... wait.
This isn't the perfect start to the morning that I was hoping to have.
But whatever. At least we can salvage my stuff, right? It could always be worse.
The irony is very bitter to taste, I must say. I actually started sharing my folders on the laptop last night so that I could start backing them up on the desktop (since this laptop has been kinda sick looking for awhile). I only got through the photos before deciding "hey, I'll back them up tomorrow". And right now, I can't, and I very much wish I had done it yesterday.
If there is a God, he totally hates me. Or perhaps he just enjoys tormenting me. I can't blame him, though. I'm terrible to my Sims.
Dad: Maybe we should flash the bios...
Me: Dad, I don't think you should be flashing anything.
Update: There was an error while moving files. Dad thinks we need to update the bios, but we need to do that through Windows, not Linux. Thing is, Windows refuses to start. At all. To fix that, Dad thinks we'll need to do a partial re-install at the very least, which will delete my files... sigh. We're going to have to mount the harddrive externally, which means driving down to Dad's work to steal the stuff we need. This isn't complicated, really, just very, very annoying.
My poor laptop. You have served me well over the past four years. I will never forget your services. You may pass on secure in the knowledge that, during your short life, you have accomplished much for your owner and have been extraordinarily helpful.
We will never forget you. I will never forget you, old chap. Thank you for your company over the years ♥
Aug 12, 2011
Sup Little Me
Recently I've been doing a bit of... uh, self-discovery stuff. I feel that I have to with all the shit going down in my life at the moment, from minor friend dramas to stressful school stuff to utterly painful family arguments.
I'm feeling pretty put down, to be honest. I've been putting myself down, and my mother has been making me feel terrible, and I dunno. I just feel really bad. So I've decided to try and... I dunno, figure stuff out. About me. About why I should feel bad about myself, but also (and more importantly) why I shouldn't.
It's all been pretty difficult. I probably haven't been the most exciting person to be around recently, so kudos to those who have tried to help and have asked what's wrong. Hell, this is aimed even to those that haven't really spoken to me about things, but have at least tried to be there for me. It means a lot.
Hm. Anyway. I've also been trying to figure out stuff with religion, because I don't really know what I believe in and I think I should probably start figuring that out.
I wrote a blog post about that today in Biology as my internet wasn't working. I don't have it with me, but I will upload it. Eventually.
ClearlyUnfocused wrote a letter to her year eight self in her last blog post, and I think I will do the same. Why? Because I screwed up a lot in past years and I think there are a lot of things I'd like to tell myself, even if only hypothetically.
Yeah. That's your name. It won't be for at least another year, but someone important to you will help you realise the awesomeness that is the name (and soap brand) "GoJo". Don't question it. Just go with it.
You're starting year eight. You're a new kid. You're no longer the school nerd. You aren't the vice captain or the school band leader or any of that. You're just a kid. A stranger to everyone else.
You won't really be the school nerd here. You're going to take a crack at being a bit more popular instead, as strange as that sounds. I'm going to say go for it, because it's a great learning experience, and you get to take a glimpse at a world that you'll never quite fit in with.
Here's something that I really, really needed to hear as a 13 year old. Something I think I knew, but didn't want to accept.
You won't see your old friends in the future, really. You'll see them once more. Just once.
Yeah. Once. That's it.
The only friend you will retain from primary school is one that you didn't actually talk to much throughout year 7. You won't talk to her much this year, either. But trust me when I say she becomes a lifeline later on. Her friendship will be unexpected. Don't reject it. I have little more to say. She will become your best friend.
This year is going to be messed up. You'll get a proper boyfriend. Really. The girl you start talking to about The Sims? She'll tease you about being flatchested, date the boy you will end up dating for a good two years and take away your first friend from this school.
But you won't hate her. You could never hate her, though I've no idea why. Don't worry about it. Just... don't look up to her. Don't try to be her. That's all the advice I can offer you here.
That first friend that ditches you for the girl above? The one you see on the bus? She's not worth your time. Don't bother with her. She will hurt you.
Don't give up saxophone. Look through your music. See the song Pineapple Custard Tango? The one you found really easy? Yeah, you fall behind so much that it becomes difficult. You struggle to relearn it. Don't let this happen. Please.
You used to be the band geek. I'm not anymore, but I'm certain that you can be.
There are two things I need to share. Desperately.
1. You will have a bout of self-harming about 3/4 of the way through the year. One of the girls will find out and only one person will defend you. Stick with him. For the love of God, please, stick with him. You'll need him desperately later. He's strange, he's childish, he's smart, he's naive... he's also strong, and kind, and the sort of person you'll want to rely on later. He'll need you a lot in the future. Do not forget how he defended you. He wouldn't hesitate to help you again. Never take that for granted.
Truly, he's the closest person you have to the friends you had in primary school. You want a friend who's dorky, nerdy and hilariously immature? Yeah, he's it. You know your two best friends from primary school? Yeah, he's both of them rolled into one, but so much more.
2. Look beyond your classroom. The people you connect with are not here. They are not in your form group.
I'm not saying you should disregard these guys completely. I definitely think you should date the dorky guitar-player. You'll have doubts now, but trust me when I say he is amazing. Befriend his friends, learn about them, because they'll get you through year 9. But once things fall apart with them (and trust me, your friendships will be shaky at best), you'll want to find others.
You will find them in the other class. Really.
Other things you need to know.
- Don't let peer pressure force you to do something you don't want to. The guy you will date for 2 years? He won't be your first kiss if you allow yourself to be pushed around by others. This hurts him more than you. Trust me.
- That said, don't become co-dependent. You don't need a boyfriend.
- Start building relationships now. You probably can't see it now, but Mum's mental state will deteriorate. Harshly. Your father will be a pillar of strength for you, but you'll also need your friends.
- Not everyone wants to hear about your love of video games and anime. That's how you lose a lot of friends in your first two years here, believe it or not. This is why you need to look towards the other class.
- Not everyone wants to read your fanfiction, either. For now, keep your online life and your school life separate.
- Don't let that blond chick get you down. Yeah, you're flatchested now, but her words will mean nothing later. Trust me, you'll get your boobs. Heh. That said, enjoy being flatchested while you can. It's difficult to climb trees or run around when you aren't.
- You're going to grow out of books. Yes. It's possible. I'm sorry. I am truly sorry. I don't know how to prevent this.
- Start looking at languages. I can't stress this enough. Hey, you know your anime? Imagine being able to watch it in the original language. Imagine playing Pokemon the way it was created. Imagine reading manga without relying on a translation.
Languages become very important to you later. Learn Japanese. Live it. Love it. Your great-grandmother, Oma, loved Italian. Adored it. Aunty V loves Italy. Go listen to Italian and get a feel for it. Start learning that too, if you'd like. Get a head start. One day, you'll want to base your careers off of language.
This year is going to be a rollercoaster. If it does end up anything like my first year (which, me being you, it will) then you will change friend groups a lot. You will date a couple of different guys. You will go to many parties. You will experience fights (both physical and emotional) and you will start to ignore your studies in favour of improving your social life. You will be hit on, and you will also be hit in a physical sense. You will be hated and insulted, but you will also be complimented and, in some rare cases, loved. You will learn to love yourself more, but you'll also learn to hate yourself a lot.
It will be a bumpy road, but it will be worth it.
And look, the first two years here really will teach you a lot. And year 10 will be hell. It will suck. You will hate it. But there's a light at the end of every tunnel.
This will mean nothing to you now, but read this section when you turn 15.
That pale kid who made the website? Yeah, the one who amazed you by spelling your last name correctly. Believe it or not, you really need to pay attention to him, because Science Club with him will be your only refuge for at least two terms. School will be terrible. Home will be terrible. Science Club will be enjoyable and one of the only times you will smile in the first half of this year. While you probably don't mean much to him, he will mean a lot to you for this (whether he knows it or not). There will come a time when you literally will have no one to sit with. He's the guy you'll see, and his group (featuring the rest of this list) will soon become your own.
You know those two girls in band? You spoke to them a few times in year 9. They will, with your insistence, start watching anime. Yes, you are not alone here. They will become your kindred spirits. They will be the girls you fangirl with. The ones you talk about music, television and crushes with. The ones you eventually look up to and trust with almost everything you have to say.
They become the replacements for your primary school friends, in the end. So you know how damn special they are. I don't need to elaborate any more than this.
The quiet violin player that your fellow choir member used to point out? He will help you get into languages. He will have so much in common with you. It'll take awhile before you really talk to him. No, he doesn't hate you, though you will think that at first. He's just quiet. Once you do start talking to him, you'll discover how alike you two really are. He's very open. He loves countries. He's so overly kind and considerate. Don't overlook him. Ever.
Be strong, ignore the bad things, learn to accept the good things and remember that life goes on.
I'm feeling pretty put down, to be honest. I've been putting myself down, and my mother has been making me feel terrible, and I dunno. I just feel really bad. So I've decided to try and... I dunno, figure stuff out. About me. About why I should feel bad about myself, but also (and more importantly) why I shouldn't.
It's all been pretty difficult. I probably haven't been the most exciting person to be around recently, so kudos to those who have tried to help and have asked what's wrong. Hell, this is aimed even to those that haven't really spoken to me about things, but have at least tried to be there for me. It means a lot.
Hm. Anyway. I've also been trying to figure out stuff with religion, because I don't really know what I believe in and I think I should probably start figuring that out.
I wrote a blog post about that today in Biology as my internet wasn't working. I don't have it with me, but I will upload it. Eventually.
ClearlyUnfocused wrote a letter to her year eight self in her last blog post, and I think I will do the same. Why? Because I screwed up a lot in past years and I think there are a lot of things I'd like to tell myself, even if only hypothetically.
***
GoJo,
Yeah. That's your name. It won't be for at least another year, but someone important to you will help you realise the awesomeness that is the name (and soap brand) "GoJo". Don't question it. Just go with it.
You're starting year eight. You're a new kid. You're no longer the school nerd. You aren't the vice captain or the school band leader or any of that. You're just a kid. A stranger to everyone else.
You won't really be the school nerd here. You're going to take a crack at being a bit more popular instead, as strange as that sounds. I'm going to say go for it, because it's a great learning experience, and you get to take a glimpse at a world that you'll never quite fit in with.
Here's something that I really, really needed to hear as a 13 year old. Something I think I knew, but didn't want to accept.
You won't see your old friends in the future, really. You'll see them once more. Just once.
Yeah. Once. That's it.
The only friend you will retain from primary school is one that you didn't actually talk to much throughout year 7. You won't talk to her much this year, either. But trust me when I say she becomes a lifeline later on. Her friendship will be unexpected. Don't reject it. I have little more to say. She will become your best friend.
This year is going to be messed up. You'll get a proper boyfriend. Really. The girl you start talking to about The Sims? She'll tease you about being flatchested, date the boy you will end up dating for a good two years and take away your first friend from this school.
But you won't hate her. You could never hate her, though I've no idea why. Don't worry about it. Just... don't look up to her. Don't try to be her. That's all the advice I can offer you here.
That first friend that ditches you for the girl above? The one you see on the bus? She's not worth your time. Don't bother with her. She will hurt you.
Don't give up saxophone. Look through your music. See the song Pineapple Custard Tango? The one you found really easy? Yeah, you fall behind so much that it becomes difficult. You struggle to relearn it. Don't let this happen. Please.
You used to be the band geek. I'm not anymore, but I'm certain that you can be.
There are two things I need to share. Desperately.
1. You will have a bout of self-harming about 3/4 of the way through the year. One of the girls will find out and only one person will defend you. Stick with him. For the love of God, please, stick with him. You'll need him desperately later. He's strange, he's childish, he's smart, he's naive... he's also strong, and kind, and the sort of person you'll want to rely on later. He'll need you a lot in the future. Do not forget how he defended you. He wouldn't hesitate to help you again. Never take that for granted.
Truly, he's the closest person you have to the friends you had in primary school. You want a friend who's dorky, nerdy and hilariously immature? Yeah, he's it. You know your two best friends from primary school? Yeah, he's both of them rolled into one, but so much more.
2. Look beyond your classroom. The people you connect with are not here. They are not in your form group.
I'm not saying you should disregard these guys completely. I definitely think you should date the dorky guitar-player. You'll have doubts now, but trust me when I say he is amazing. Befriend his friends, learn about them, because they'll get you through year 9. But once things fall apart with them (and trust me, your friendships will be shaky at best), you'll want to find others.
You will find them in the other class. Really.
Other things you need to know.
- Don't let peer pressure force you to do something you don't want to. The guy you will date for 2 years? He won't be your first kiss if you allow yourself to be pushed around by others. This hurts him more than you. Trust me.
- That said, don't become co-dependent. You don't need a boyfriend.
- Start building relationships now. You probably can't see it now, but Mum's mental state will deteriorate. Harshly. Your father will be a pillar of strength for you, but you'll also need your friends.
- Not everyone wants to hear about your love of video games and anime. That's how you lose a lot of friends in your first two years here, believe it or not. This is why you need to look towards the other class.
- Not everyone wants to read your fanfiction, either. For now, keep your online life and your school life separate.
- Don't let that blond chick get you down. Yeah, you're flatchested now, but her words will mean nothing later. Trust me, you'll get your boobs. Heh. That said, enjoy being flatchested while you can. It's difficult to climb trees or run around when you aren't.
- You're going to grow out of books. Yes. It's possible. I'm sorry. I am truly sorry. I don't know how to prevent this.
- Start looking at languages. I can't stress this enough. Hey, you know your anime? Imagine being able to watch it in the original language. Imagine playing Pokemon the way it was created. Imagine reading manga without relying on a translation.
Languages become very important to you later. Learn Japanese. Live it. Love it. Your great-grandmother, Oma, loved Italian. Adored it. Aunty V loves Italy. Go listen to Italian and get a feel for it. Start learning that too, if you'd like. Get a head start. One day, you'll want to base your careers off of language.
This year is going to be a rollercoaster. If it does end up anything like my first year (which, me being you, it will) then you will change friend groups a lot. You will date a couple of different guys. You will go to many parties. You will experience fights (both physical and emotional) and you will start to ignore your studies in favour of improving your social life. You will be hit on, and you will also be hit in a physical sense. You will be hated and insulted, but you will also be complimented and, in some rare cases, loved. You will learn to love yourself more, but you'll also learn to hate yourself a lot.
It will be a bumpy road, but it will be worth it.
And look, the first two years here really will teach you a lot. And year 10 will be hell. It will suck. You will hate it. But there's a light at the end of every tunnel.
This will mean nothing to you now, but read this section when you turn 15.
That pale kid who made the website? Yeah, the one who amazed you by spelling your last name correctly. Believe it or not, you really need to pay attention to him, because Science Club with him will be your only refuge for at least two terms. School will be terrible. Home will be terrible. Science Club will be enjoyable and one of the only times you will smile in the first half of this year. While you probably don't mean much to him, he will mean a lot to you for this (whether he knows it or not). There will come a time when you literally will have no one to sit with. He's the guy you'll see, and his group (featuring the rest of this list) will soon become your own.
You know those two girls in band? You spoke to them a few times in year 9. They will, with your insistence, start watching anime. Yes, you are not alone here. They will become your kindred spirits. They will be the girls you fangirl with. The ones you talk about music, television and crushes with. The ones you eventually look up to and trust with almost everything you have to say.
They become the replacements for your primary school friends, in the end. So you know how damn special they are. I don't need to elaborate any more than this.
The quiet violin player that your fellow choir member used to point out? He will help you get into languages. He will have so much in common with you. It'll take awhile before you really talk to him. No, he doesn't hate you, though you will think that at first. He's just quiet. Once you do start talking to him, you'll discover how alike you two really are. He's very open. He loves countries. He's so overly kind and considerate. Don't overlook him. Ever.
Be strong, ignore the bad things, learn to accept the good things and remember that life goes on.
Aug 9, 2011
The Random Thoughts of Today
So one of my friends told everyone to blog today. I have nothing to blog about. So I will write all sorts of random thoughts that I've had over the course of the day.
I received my Maths assignment. The teacher said is was easy. I started counting the pages and stopped after 10.
Excuse me, I don't care how easy it is, something that takes that much paper is going to be tedious and horrible. Don't get my hopes up by saying it's simple.
He also said it wouldn't take me too long. Yeah. Sure. Whatever.
Anyway. I came home early today due to being sick again. I planned on going to bed. No, really, I did. I wanted to sleep and get over this.
I just, you know, wanted to check Twitter and Tumblr first.
It was a slippery slope. I started by reading a few things, and next thing I knew I had 18 tabs open and 3 hours had passed. Damn it, interwebs.
I couldn't help it though. I didn't know about these riots around England until I got home, so I started looking up the stories. And by the time I'd finished reading about these (surprisingly scary sounding) riots, I'd totally forgotten about going to bed.
40 pages of Tumblr later, and there was no longer any point to sleeping. I mean, once it hits a certain point in the afternoon, I can't nap without finding it impossible to sleep that night. Oh well.
A week ago, our English teacher told us all what grades he thought we should have at the least. He told me A+.
...I haven't had an A+ since year... 10? 9? Something like that. Usually I get an A-. I think I had a B+ once last year.
...Good to know that he's realised that my assignments are usually completed the morning they're due and aren't really a true reflection of my abilities, I guess.
Okay, so I'm now cleaning my room. I was going to watch Supernatural, and then I was going to browse Google Earth, but I've ended up cleaning. How did this happen? I have no idea. But anyway.
I took a bag to the bin earlier. Like, one of those huge black bags that you could fit 20 cats in. I don't know why I'm measuring in cats, but you get what I mean. And that was just stuff I'd found under my desk. My room is a mess. Anyway. The bin was covered in tiny little flying bugs. It was terrifying. I've never run away from something so fast in my life. And now I'm worried that I have bugs in my hair. It was terrible.
I have erasers that are shaped like different types of sushi on my desk. They're pretty awesome. Also, I have 962 379 steps total on my Pokewalker. Speaking of which, I haven't used my Pokewalker at all today, and yet I seem to have 10 steps.
How?
How?
I don't even.
I was going to advertise a song here but the title is in Katakana and I don't have a Japanese typing thing on this computer. I could type it on the laptop, but that'd involve opening Blogger on there and I am much too lazy to do that. Oh well. I will advertise it later.
Download Helper (the Firefox add-on) is being a bitch. It keeps stopping half way through a download and is all "download complete" but when I watch the video I'll see maybe 10 minutes before it cuts out. Pfft. Finished my ass.
That saying makes no sense whatsoever.
My Extension English teacher asked if I was enjoying my book. And, for the first time in a long while, I was able to say that yes, I was enjoying a book that I had to choose for English. Quite a lot, actually. It's very stream-of-consciousness styled, and I like that. It's also an existentialist novel, which increases my love for it tenfold. It's also very pessimistic and funny and hey, who doesn't like self-depreciative humour?
The book is Notes From Underground by Fyodor Dostoyevsky, for anyone who is interested. It is beautiful and absolutely horrid all at once. A brilliant piece of work, I must say.
I had this conversation with Dad after going to a university open day.
Dad: So, I assume you're studying in Japan abroad? I think it'd really help you become fluent in the language.
Me: Heh. Yeah...
Dad: ...you seem tentative?
Me: I... I kinda really massively want to travel to Italy instead...
Dad: Japanese is your main language, though.
Me: Yes but... well, Italy is beautiful and the language is amazing and I love pasta and they have so much art and everyone I know who has traveled loved Italy and if I went to Italy then everything would be Italian and nothing would hurt-
Dad: Look, I understand. Sort of. Well, I can try to understand, and I still think you should go to Japan. Wasn't Japanese -> English translations your ambition? Do you love Italian television and media enough to translate it?
Me: ...Stop being logical. I want to go to Italy. Damn it.
I've stopped cleaning my room and now I feel guilty. But I am a sentimental fool and don't want to throw everything out. Like birthday cards! I hate throwing them out. I get like, 10 a year, and I feel the urge to collect every single one.
I had to take the cash out (found another $50 note!!! Grandma ily), close my eyes, throw the card away and pretend that it didn't happen. Yeah.
18th birthday in 5 months and 11 days. I'd better get a lot of cash from that one. Loljks I'd rather not have a birthday at all. I feel so old. Aren't I supposed to start worrying about age when I'm 30 or 40? I don't want to have responsibility and stuff. I want to be a child forever.
DAMN IT DOWNLOAD HELPER. THE LAST VIDEO THAT WORKED WAS OVER 150 MBS. THIS ONE IS ONLY 6. I AM NOT A FOOL. I KNOW THAT YOU ARE LYING. YOU DO NOT LIVE UP TO YOUR NAME. YOU ARE NOT HELPING. YOU'RE BARELY EVEN DOWNLOADING.
My desktop wall paper is of the Master Sword. I wish I could delete all memories of the Zelda franchise so that I can re-experience it all over again. That would be amazing.
Everyone who has ever been in a fandom needs to read this. Yes. This. Let me post it once more: http://hesychasm.livejournal.com/187818.html
"Fandom is focus. Fandom is obsession. Fandom is insatiable consumption. Fandom is sitting for hours in front of a TV screen a movie screen a computer screen with a comic book a novel on your lap. Fandom is eyestrain and carpal tunnel syndrome and not enough exercise and staying up way, way past your bedtime."
"[...]Fandom could never be just a phase. Fandom is where you found a friend, a sister, a kindred spirit. Fandom is where you found a talent, a love, a reason.
Fandom is where you found yourself."
Yes yes yes.
Hey soulmate let me love you~
I think Fandom is where I discovered other people just like me, and that probably got me through the hell that was year 8 and year 10.
Really. I don't think anything, or anyone, else could have helped as much as the strangers I'd met on the internet.
That seems strange. Oh well. What, pray tell, is 'normal'? Why focus on the supposedly normal things? It's the strange oddities in life that make it interesting, no?
Pfft I'm going into a weird, almost-but-not-quite-philosophical mood. I'm going to stop before I start ranting or writing weird things. Oh no, your subconscious is showing.
I shall return to cleaning my room. I'd proof-read this but I will realise how totally random and terrible it is, and then it won't get posted. So if you see any grammatical errors, or spelling errors, or just errors in general, then please, get the fuck over it. K thanks ^^
Blow into this paperbag, go home, stop grinning at everyone.
Paperbag Writer - Radiohead♥♪
I received my Maths assignment. The teacher said is was easy. I started counting the pages and stopped after 10.
Excuse me, I don't care how easy it is, something that takes that much paper is going to be tedious and horrible. Don't get my hopes up by saying it's simple.
He also said it wouldn't take me too long. Yeah. Sure. Whatever.
Anyway. I came home early today due to being sick again. I planned on going to bed. No, really, I did. I wanted to sleep and get over this.
I just, you know, wanted to check Twitter and Tumblr first.
It was a slippery slope. I started by reading a few things, and next thing I knew I had 18 tabs open and 3 hours had passed. Damn it, interwebs.
I couldn't help it though. I didn't know about these riots around England until I got home, so I started looking up the stories. And by the time I'd finished reading about these (surprisingly scary sounding) riots, I'd totally forgotten about going to bed.
40 pages of Tumblr later, and there was no longer any point to sleeping. I mean, once it hits a certain point in the afternoon, I can't nap without finding it impossible to sleep that night. Oh well.
A week ago, our English teacher told us all what grades he thought we should have at the least. He told me A+.
...I haven't had an A+ since year... 10? 9? Something like that. Usually I get an A-. I think I had a B+ once last year.
...Good to know that he's realised that my assignments are usually completed the morning they're due and aren't really a true reflection of my abilities, I guess.
Okay, so I'm now cleaning my room. I was going to watch Supernatural, and then I was going to browse Google Earth, but I've ended up cleaning. How did this happen? I have no idea. But anyway.
I took a bag to the bin earlier. Like, one of those huge black bags that you could fit 20 cats in. I don't know why I'm measuring in cats, but you get what I mean. And that was just stuff I'd found under my desk. My room is a mess. Anyway. The bin was covered in tiny little flying bugs. It was terrifying. I've never run away from something so fast in my life. And now I'm worried that I have bugs in my hair. It was terrible.
I have erasers that are shaped like different types of sushi on my desk. They're pretty awesome. Also, I have 962 379 steps total on my Pokewalker. Speaking of which, I haven't used my Pokewalker at all today, and yet I seem to have 10 steps.
How?
How?
I don't even.
I was going to advertise a song here but the title is in Katakana and I don't have a Japanese typing thing on this computer. I could type it on the laptop, but that'd involve opening Blogger on there and I am much too lazy to do that. Oh well. I will advertise it later.
Download Helper (the Firefox add-on) is being a bitch. It keeps stopping half way through a download and is all "download complete" but when I watch the video I'll see maybe 10 minutes before it cuts out. Pfft. Finished my ass.
That saying makes no sense whatsoever.
My Extension English teacher asked if I was enjoying my book. And, for the first time in a long while, I was able to say that yes, I was enjoying a book that I had to choose for English. Quite a lot, actually. It's very stream-of-consciousness styled, and I like that. It's also an existentialist novel, which increases my love for it tenfold. It's also very pessimistic and funny and hey, who doesn't like self-depreciative humour?
The book is Notes From Underground by Fyodor Dostoyevsky, for anyone who is interested. It is beautiful and absolutely horrid all at once. A brilliant piece of work, I must say.
I had this conversation with Dad after going to a university open day.
Dad: So, I assume you're studying in Japan abroad? I think it'd really help you become fluent in the language.
Me: Heh. Yeah...
Dad: ...you seem tentative?
Me: I... I kinda really massively want to travel to Italy instead...
Dad: Japanese is your main language, though.
Me: Yes but... well, Italy is beautiful and the language is amazing and I love pasta and they have so much art and everyone I know who has traveled loved Italy and if I went to Italy then everything would be Italian and nothing would hurt-
Dad: Look, I understand. Sort of. Well, I can try to understand, and I still think you should go to Japan. Wasn't Japanese -> English translations your ambition? Do you love Italian television and media enough to translate it?
Me: ...Stop being logical. I want to go to Italy. Damn it.
I've stopped cleaning my room and now I feel guilty. But I am a sentimental fool and don't want to throw everything out. Like birthday cards! I hate throwing them out. I get like, 10 a year, and I feel the urge to collect every single one.
I had to take the cash out (found another $50 note!!! Grandma ily), close my eyes, throw the card away and pretend that it didn't happen. Yeah.
18th birthday in 5 months and 11 days. I'd better get a lot of cash from that one. Loljks I'd rather not have a birthday at all. I feel so old. Aren't I supposed to start worrying about age when I'm 30 or 40? I don't want to have responsibility and stuff. I want to be a child forever.
DAMN IT DOWNLOAD HELPER. THE LAST VIDEO THAT WORKED WAS OVER 150 MBS. THIS ONE IS ONLY 6. I AM NOT A FOOL. I KNOW THAT YOU ARE LYING. YOU DO NOT LIVE UP TO YOUR NAME. YOU ARE NOT HELPING. YOU'RE BARELY EVEN DOWNLOADING.
My desktop wall paper is of the Master Sword. I wish I could delete all memories of the Zelda franchise so that I can re-experience it all over again. That would be amazing.
Everyone who has ever been in a fandom needs to read this. Yes. This. Let me post it once more: http://hesychasm.livejournal.com/187818.html
"Fandom is focus. Fandom is obsession. Fandom is insatiable consumption. Fandom is sitting for hours in front of a TV screen a movie screen a computer screen with a comic book a novel on your lap. Fandom is eyestrain and carpal tunnel syndrome and not enough exercise and staying up way, way past your bedtime."
"[...]Fandom could never be just a phase. Fandom is where you found a friend, a sister, a kindred spirit. Fandom is where you found a talent, a love, a reason.
Fandom is where you found yourself."
Yes yes yes.
Hey soulmate let me love you~
I think Fandom is where I discovered other people just like me, and that probably got me through the hell that was year 8 and year 10.
Really. I don't think anything, or anyone, else could have helped as much as the strangers I'd met on the internet.
That seems strange. Oh well. What, pray tell, is 'normal'? Why focus on the supposedly normal things? It's the strange oddities in life that make it interesting, no?
Pfft I'm going into a weird, almost-but-not-quite-philosophical mood. I'm going to stop before I start ranting or writing weird things. Oh no, your subconscious is showing.
I shall return to cleaning my room. I'd proof-read this but I will realise how totally random and terrible it is, and then it won't get posted. So if you see any grammatical errors, or spelling errors, or just errors in general, then please, get the fuck over it. K thanks ^^
Blow into this paperbag, go home, stop grinning at everyone.
Paperbag Writer - Radiohead♥♪
Aug 2, 2011
Brutal Honesty Hour
I stole this from Tumblr. So, you know, the questions aren't all supposed to be answered in a list like this, but whatever. I feel like answering random mundane questions about myself because I am very self-centred like that. WHOOO.
A - If I'm in love and a description who I love
No, actually. I don't think I like anyone right now. At least, no one that isn't a fictional character.
B - Who was the last person who I talked with on the phone.
My Mum. I am awesome and social like that.
C - What, if anything, am I afraid of
Ohh, okay, fears. Mirrors, especially at night. Windows at night as well. I'm okay in the dark otherwise, so long as I can't see any windows or mirrors. Oh God, I hate mirrors.
I also hate spiders. But I think everyone does.
D - If I have prefer boys or girls and what do I find attractive
I prefer boys, but I certainly don't rule girls out. Uh, physically... I don't care all that much, so long as the person isn't obese. Mentally... I like a good sense of humour and the ability to type in punctuated English. Having an interest in fandom is also a plus.
E - How many piercings do I have
I have 2. I plan to have a third by the end of the year, as long as I don't chicken out.
F - Give me options, like 'Do you prefer it hot or cold?'
Right, well, this isn't Tumblr, so I guess I'll give myself options
Hot or Cold: Cold, as a general rule.
Nintendo or Sony: Pfft, I kinda asked myself this just to be all NINTENDO FTW. Moving on.
Salt or Sugar: Salt.
Day or Night: Night.
Tumblr or Facebook or Twitter or LJ: Too many ors, not enough commas. Anyway, uh, Tumblr.
G - The last person I said 'I love you' to.
Probably one of my friends.
H - The last person I hugged.
Um... Tenuto Tuo, I think ^_^
I - The last time I felt jealous, and why.
Pfft, today. Why? Just a... discussion some friends were having about someone I used to like. Awkwardsauce. Not that I like him anymore, just... yeah...
J - How old I am.
17
K - What is my full name.
LOL NO.
L - If I have siblings.
Yes, a sister. I technically have two brothers but neither survived very long after birth...
M - If I forgive people
Yes. And no. Depends on the person, what they did wrong and how sorry they are about it.
N - How do I treat my friends.
I think I treat them pretty badly, but most people tell me I treat my friends alright, so...
O - If I like my school.
Yes. Well, no, I don't, but I think I hate it less than the other schools in the area, so...
P - What kind of music I like.
Indie, rock, prog. rock, grunge, punk, experimental... I guess pop as well. I like a lot of styles...
Q - What was the last party I went to, and when will the next one be.
I don't know... Probably a family one... Next one... uh... there's one this Saturday...
R - 10 Things I'm curious about
Uh, um, damn, okay. Let me think.
1. A lot of world history. Too much to learn, too little time.
2. How we first started to develop languages (and why most other animals have not done the same).
3. How the human mind truly works.
4. How the rest of the world views my country and language.
5. What the colours we can't see look like.
6. What could be terrible enough to cause me to snap completely.
7. What causes people to procrastinate.
8. Why some things are considered boring and others are not (what makes them boring?)
9. How much wood could a woodchuck chuck?
10. What all my possible futures could be if I make different decisions from this point onwards.
S - Favorite band/movie/TV show.
Band: Radiohead
Movie: Uh... The Lion King lol
TV Show: ...none?
T - 5 things I love unconditionally.
Things? Not people? How can you love a thing conditionally? It's a thing.
Whatever. Here are 5 things/people I love a lot.
1. Many of my relatives (not all, awkwardly enough)
2. Music. I will always adore music.
3. Internet communities. I don't even need to be an active member. It's awesome enough to browse them.
4. A few of my friends.
5. The Nintendo 64.
U - Favorite actor/actress.
Er... My favourite VA in Japanese is Noriaki Sugiyama and my (current) favourite English VA is Todd Haberkorn... I don't really have a favourite proper actor/actress...
V - 3 big dreams
To work for Nintendo ♥♥♥
Live in Venice for a number of years and not feel the desperate need to use a car
Be a VA for something. Anything.
X - If I've done something I regretted a lot.
Yes. And no. There are things I wish went differently, but I wouldn't change most of them. I am who I am because of what's happened, right?
W - An idol.
Koji Kondo♥
Y - If I like my town and why.
I suppose. It's not exactly high end (lol who am I kidding, I don't live in a good area) but... well, I know it rather well, and I've always lived here, so... I do like this place, yeah.
Z - Ask any questions you want.
Lol wut this isn't Tumblr.
A - If I'm in love and a description who I love
No, actually. I don't think I like anyone right now. At least, no one that isn't a fictional character.
B - Who was the last person who I talked with on the phone.
My Mum. I am awesome and social like that.
C - What, if anything, am I afraid of
Ohh, okay, fears. Mirrors, especially at night. Windows at night as well. I'm okay in the dark otherwise, so long as I can't see any windows or mirrors. Oh God, I hate mirrors.
I also hate spiders. But I think everyone does.
D - If I have prefer boys or girls and what do I find attractive
I prefer boys, but I certainly don't rule girls out. Uh, physically... I don't care all that much, so long as the person isn't obese. Mentally... I like a good sense of humour and the ability to type in punctuated English. Having an interest in fandom is also a plus.
E - How many piercings do I have
I have 2. I plan to have a third by the end of the year, as long as I don't chicken out.
F - Give me options, like 'Do you prefer it hot or cold?'
Right, well, this isn't Tumblr, so I guess I'll give myself options
Hot or Cold: Cold, as a general rule.
Nintendo or Sony: Pfft, I kinda asked myself this just to be all NINTENDO FTW. Moving on.
Salt or Sugar: Salt.
Day or Night: Night.
Tumblr or Facebook or Twitter or LJ: Too many ors, not enough commas. Anyway, uh, Tumblr.
G - The last person I said 'I love you' to.
Probably one of my friends.
H - The last person I hugged.
Um... Tenuto Tuo, I think ^_^
I - The last time I felt jealous, and why.
Pfft, today. Why? Just a... discussion some friends were having about someone I used to like. Awkwardsauce. Not that I like him anymore, just... yeah...
J - How old I am.
17
K - What is my full name.
LOL NO.
L - If I have siblings.
Yes, a sister. I technically have two brothers but neither survived very long after birth...
M - If I forgive people
Yes. And no. Depends on the person, what they did wrong and how sorry they are about it.
N - How do I treat my friends.
I think I treat them pretty badly, but most people tell me I treat my friends alright, so...
O - If I like my school.
Yes. Well, no, I don't, but I think I hate it less than the other schools in the area, so...
P - What kind of music I like.
Indie, rock, prog. rock, grunge, punk, experimental... I guess pop as well. I like a lot of styles...
Q - What was the last party I went to, and when will the next one be.
I don't know... Probably a family one... Next one... uh... there's one this Saturday...
R - 10 Things I'm curious about
Uh, um, damn, okay. Let me think.
1. A lot of world history. Too much to learn, too little time.
2. How we first started to develop languages (and why most other animals have not done the same).
3. How the human mind truly works.
4. How the rest of the world views my country and language.
5. What the colours we can't see look like.
6. What could be terrible enough to cause me to snap completely.
7. What causes people to procrastinate.
8. Why some things are considered boring and others are not (what makes them boring?)
9. How much wood could a woodchuck chuck?
10. What all my possible futures could be if I make different decisions from this point onwards.
S - Favorite band/movie/TV show.
Band: Radiohead
Movie: Uh... The Lion King lol
TV Show: ...none?
T - 5 things I love unconditionally.
Things? Not people? How can you love a thing conditionally? It's a thing.
Whatever. Here are 5 things/people I love a lot.
1. Many of my relatives (not all, awkwardly enough)
2. Music. I will always adore music.
3. Internet communities. I don't even need to be an active member. It's awesome enough to browse them.
4. A few of my friends.
5. The Nintendo 64.
U - Favorite actor/actress.
Er... My favourite VA in Japanese is Noriaki Sugiyama and my (current) favourite English VA is Todd Haberkorn... I don't really have a favourite proper actor/actress...
V - 3 big dreams
To work for Nintendo ♥♥♥
Live in Venice for a number of years and not feel the desperate need to use a car
Be a VA for something. Anything.
X - If I've done something I regretted a lot.
Yes. And no. There are things I wish went differently, but I wouldn't change most of them. I am who I am because of what's happened, right?
W - An idol.
Koji Kondo♥
Y - If I like my town and why.
I suppose. It's not exactly high end (lol who am I kidding, I don't live in a good area) but... well, I know it rather well, and I've always lived here, so... I do like this place, yeah.
Z - Ask any questions you want.
Lol wut this isn't Tumblr.
I Should Be Used to All This
Me: Hey, Grandma (Dad's mum) sent a postcard to Dad from Canada. I wonder why it didn't arrive with ours?
Mum: I didn't get one.
Me: ...mm.
Mum: Fucking rude bitch.
Me: Excuse me? She isn't your mother.
Mum: That's hardly the point.
Oh for God's sake, woman. Your husband's mother sent him a postcard. Get over it. Your jealousy knows no bounds.
You know, I can understand her being upset. But, really, I don't want to hear her swearing about other family members. Being family, I feel like I need to defend them. But then I'd be defending them from another family member, which makes me feel like I'm taking sides. I don't want to do that.
Still cleaning my room. I have newfound inspiration to throw everything out, now. When I can afford to move out, I won't need to worry about packing, because I'll have very little. That's the plan. Brb shoving all the junk in my cupboard into a garbage bag.
I really think the main thing that keeps me going is the fact that one day, I can move out. I know she'll sob and ask me to stay. I know she'll pretend that the last few years were of no consequence. That's fine. I'll still leave.
The thing that keeps me going is that, one day, I'll be able to turn to her and say fuck you. I'm not putting up with your bullshit anymore and leave.
Pffft I can hear her talking to Dad about me now. This should annoy me but I'm bitching about her too so whatever.
I think Dad's defending me. ♥
...I shouldn't blog when in a bad mood. It just turns out whiny and emo-sounding. My day wasn't that bad. I have a terrible headache and my motivation for school still hasn't returned, but... well, it didn't completely suck.
On another note, some guy was hitting on me at the shops today. I was waiting for Mum and he came and sat next to me. I could've moved away, but I didn't want to be rude, and he was a big, scary guy and I kinda wanted to stay as still as possible and hope he didn't notice me (oh, fear, how little sense you make). So I didn't move. He decided to talk to me.
All I learnt about him was that he plays football and is currently here on a visa. The rest of the conversation was, unfortunately, centred on me. He asked me a bunch of questions (we didn't have a proper conversation. I was a little too terrified to say much) like "what are you studying", " have you ever traveled" and "do you have a boyfriend".
Me: No.
Him: Why not?
Me: Ah... I don't know. They don't like me? Heh, nah, I dunno, I guess it's not really a good time to focus on relationships anyway.
Him: Yeah, I guess. I bet you're too good for them anyway. Hey, do you have facebook? Can I add you?
...er.
I mean, I feel flattered. He spoke to me for a whole hour about... well, everything. For no reason. It was... odd, but nice. I still feel kinda creeped out that this guy just started talking to me though.
The end of the conversation was kinda fun.
Him: You're quiet.
Me: Hm? Ah, sorry.
Him: Are you scared of me?
Me: ...uh? I, um, not... not really. It's just... I don't talk to strangers often. I don't know what to say.
Him: You can say anything to me. I do understand though.
Me: Hm. It's kinda awkward.
Him: Yeah. A little.
This is why I'll never be able to pick up guys. Never.
Mum: I didn't get one.
Me: ...mm.
Mum: Fucking rude bitch.
Me: Excuse me? She isn't your mother.
Mum: That's hardly the point.
Oh for God's sake, woman. Your husband's mother sent him a postcard. Get over it. Your jealousy knows no bounds.
You know, I can understand her being upset. But, really, I don't want to hear her swearing about other family members. Being family, I feel like I need to defend them. But then I'd be defending them from another family member, which makes me feel like I'm taking sides. I don't want to do that.
Still cleaning my room. I have newfound inspiration to throw everything out, now. When I can afford to move out, I won't need to worry about packing, because I'll have very little. That's the plan. Brb shoving all the junk in my cupboard into a garbage bag.
I really think the main thing that keeps me going is the fact that one day, I can move out. I know she'll sob and ask me to stay. I know she'll pretend that the last few years were of no consequence. That's fine. I'll still leave.
The thing that keeps me going is that, one day, I'll be able to turn to her and say fuck you. I'm not putting up with your bullshit anymore and leave.
Pffft I can hear her talking to Dad about me now. This should annoy me but I'm bitching about her too so whatever.
I think Dad's defending me. ♥
...I shouldn't blog when in a bad mood. It just turns out whiny and emo-sounding. My day wasn't that bad. I have a terrible headache and my motivation for school still hasn't returned, but... well, it didn't completely suck.
On another note, some guy was hitting on me at the shops today. I was waiting for Mum and he came and sat next to me. I could've moved away, but I didn't want to be rude, and he was a big, scary guy and I kinda wanted to stay as still as possible and hope he didn't notice me (oh, fear, how little sense you make). So I didn't move. He decided to talk to me.
All I learnt about him was that he plays football and is currently here on a visa. The rest of the conversation was, unfortunately, centred on me. He asked me a bunch of questions (we didn't have a proper conversation. I was a little too terrified to say much) like "what are you studying", " have you ever traveled" and "do you have a boyfriend".
Me: No.
Him: Why not?
Me: Ah... I don't know. They don't like me? Heh, nah, I dunno, I guess it's not really a good time to focus on relationships anyway.
Him: Yeah, I guess. I bet you're too good for them anyway. Hey, do you have facebook? Can I add you?
...er.
I mean, I feel flattered. He spoke to me for a whole hour about... well, everything. For no reason. It was... odd, but nice. I still feel kinda creeped out that this guy just started talking to me though.
The end of the conversation was kinda fun.
Him: You're quiet.
Me: Hm? Ah, sorry.
Him: Are you scared of me?
Me: ...uh? I, um, not... not really. It's just... I don't talk to strangers often. I don't know what to say.
Him: You can say anything to me. I do understand though.
Me: Hm. It's kinda awkward.
Him: Yeah. A little.
This is why I'll never be able to pick up guys. Never.
Jul 24, 2011
Cleanin' Out My Closet
An Eminem reference. Bet you guys weren't expecting that.
I'm not really cleaning out my closet, actually. I'm cleaning out behind my desk. It's almost empty now, so I'll be able to move my desk over a bit and create some more room. I've saved my old school books (as I would love to burn them when I graduate) but most everything else is going.
I found a good 4 or 5 gift cards down there. Feels good. I should go shopping.
It's weird to be cleaning out my room at all, though. Normally I need to be forced to. I have two reasons for cleaning out behind my desk though.
1. The stuff behind my desk is below my window. Unfortunately, every morning there is a lot of condensation on the window from the night before, so I end up with everything behind the desk getting pretty wet and gross. It's a good thing to move all my stuff away from there, I think.
2. I want to eventually clean out my entire room. So much so that I can fit everything into three suitcases at maximum.
This'll take awhile. I'm not moving out for at least a year and a half, but I figure I'll get started. Once the desk is clean, I'll start emptying out the small shelves. Once I deal with that, I'll find my way into the cupboard.
...which is a scary thought. It's full of stuff. And I mean full. It's quite scary. But I'll have to go empty it out eventually.
I want to make my room fit into three suitcases because I'm sick of having all this stuff I won't use. I'm a hoarder, and I'd like to try and contain my hoarding tendencies at least a little bit. It'll make it easier to move out too, of course.
If I can fit everything into three suitcases, then I can literally take everything with me when I study abroad. So, you know... if I decide not to return... heh.
Jokes aside, I do want my room to be emptier.
Suitcase 1 will have clothes in it.
Suitcase 2 will have random junk. ie: my Nintendo figurines, my video games, my posters and my laptop.
Suitcase 3 will have whatever didn't fit into the first 2.
It saddens me to say that I'm not going to worry too much about instruments. The alto sax, which has been my baby for 7 years now, is not the most portable thing I own. I'll try to keep it as long as possible, but I'm not going to fool myself into thinking that I'll continue playing it forever. I won't. The clarinet is easier to take around, and I could fit it into my awesome suitcases, but I've never been as enamored by the clari. Not to the same extent as my love for the saxophone.
I think the biggest reason that I want to fit my life into a few suitcases is because my aunt actually traveled around Europe with one suitcase. No home. Nothing but what was in her bag and the cash she had on hand. Well, she had savings back here in Aus, but she didn't want to depend on that while she traveled. She had no plans. She stayed where she wanted for as long as she wanted, and when she started to feel tired of a place she'd just get up and leave. I love that idea. Just... roaming. Nowhere to go, no obligations... the only issue with that is that she ran out of cash while in Portugal. She ended up getting back to England and getting a job so she could afford to come back here. Even so, I've always adored that about her. She was able to leave everything behind her and just see where her heart took her.
I mentioned this to Dad, and he quoted Janis Joplin. "Freedom's just another word for nothin' left to lose".
Random subject change here. Someone I care about was on MSN yesterday. Drunk. Lainey messaged me telling me that she had no idea what to do, so I spoke to him via the internet. We had some... interesting conversations, actually. It seems that, while his spelling abilities drop significantly when intoxicated, he still manages to say some really intelligent things. And some really, really depressing things.
What do you do when someone you care about seems content enough at school, and yet admits (with the help of alcohol) that he well and truly isn't? He apologised today for everything, and it was awkward after that.
Do I bring it up again? Do I ask him if I can help in anyway? Do I confront him despite how awkward it could be? Or should I save both him and myself the embarrassment and pretend it never happened?
I don't know.
I'm not really cleaning out my closet, actually. I'm cleaning out behind my desk. It's almost empty now, so I'll be able to move my desk over a bit and create some more room. I've saved my old school books (as I would love to burn them when I graduate) but most everything else is going.
I found a good 4 or 5 gift cards down there. Feels good. I should go shopping.
It's weird to be cleaning out my room at all, though. Normally I need to be forced to. I have two reasons for cleaning out behind my desk though.
1. The stuff behind my desk is below my window. Unfortunately, every morning there is a lot of condensation on the window from the night before, so I end up with everything behind the desk getting pretty wet and gross. It's a good thing to move all my stuff away from there, I think.
2. I want to eventually clean out my entire room. So much so that I can fit everything into three suitcases at maximum.
This'll take awhile. I'm not moving out for at least a year and a half, but I figure I'll get started. Once the desk is clean, I'll start emptying out the small shelves. Once I deal with that, I'll find my way into the cupboard.
...which is a scary thought. It's full of stuff. And I mean full. It's quite scary. But I'll have to go empty it out eventually.
I want to make my room fit into three suitcases because I'm sick of having all this stuff I won't use. I'm a hoarder, and I'd like to try and contain my hoarding tendencies at least a little bit. It'll make it easier to move out too, of course.
If I can fit everything into three suitcases, then I can literally take everything with me when I study abroad. So, you know... if I decide not to return... heh.
Jokes aside, I do want my room to be emptier.
Suitcase 1 will have clothes in it.
Suitcase 2 will have random junk. ie: my Nintendo figurines, my video games, my posters and my laptop.
Suitcase 3 will have whatever didn't fit into the first 2.
It saddens me to say that I'm not going to worry too much about instruments. The alto sax, which has been my baby for 7 years now, is not the most portable thing I own. I'll try to keep it as long as possible, but I'm not going to fool myself into thinking that I'll continue playing it forever. I won't. The clarinet is easier to take around, and I could fit it into my awesome suitcases, but I've never been as enamored by the clari. Not to the same extent as my love for the saxophone.
I think the biggest reason that I want to fit my life into a few suitcases is because my aunt actually traveled around Europe with one suitcase. No home. Nothing but what was in her bag and the cash she had on hand. Well, she had savings back here in Aus, but she didn't want to depend on that while she traveled. She had no plans. She stayed where she wanted for as long as she wanted, and when she started to feel tired of a place she'd just get up and leave. I love that idea. Just... roaming. Nowhere to go, no obligations... the only issue with that is that she ran out of cash while in Portugal. She ended up getting back to England and getting a job so she could afford to come back here. Even so, I've always adored that about her. She was able to leave everything behind her and just see where her heart took her.
I mentioned this to Dad, and he quoted Janis Joplin. "Freedom's just another word for nothin' left to lose".
Random subject change here. Someone I care about was on MSN yesterday. Drunk. Lainey messaged me telling me that she had no idea what to do, so I spoke to him via the internet. We had some... interesting conversations, actually. It seems that, while his spelling abilities drop significantly when intoxicated, he still manages to say some really intelligent things. And some really, really depressing things.
What do you do when someone you care about seems content enough at school, and yet admits (with the help of alcohol) that he well and truly isn't? He apologised today for everything, and it was awkward after that.
Do I bring it up again? Do I ask him if I can help in anyway? Do I confront him despite how awkward it could be? Or should I save both him and myself the embarrassment and pretend it never happened?
I don't know.
Jul 21, 2011
Why You Shouldn't Care For People
Reasons I shouldn’t drive when angry;
1. I accelerate faster
2. I end up having extremely sucky clutch control
3. I think I end up with tunnel vision. I definitely wasn’t using my peripheral vision.
4. I turn too sharply.
5. I grip the steering wheel slightly too tight, which makes it harder to turn the wheel or hit the indicator.
6. I occasionally get the urge to swerve into the other lane. Just to see how everyone else would react.
Poor ClearlyUnfocused was with me, and after dropping her off my Dad was still in the car, so clearly I wasn’t going to attempt number 6. Doesn’t mean that I didn’t think about it though.
----------------------------
Today has been shit.
The entire week has been, actually.
Nothing unusual. There are three people who are really annoying and/or hurting me, two of which have often annoyed and/or hurt me in the past. The only reason this is different is because;
a. There’s a third person now
b. I’ve felt rather ill, with it getting progressively worse as the day has gone on
c. Unlike most other times, there are many, many things plaguing my mind right now, and I think it’s just… built up a little too much, maybe.
Everything attacked me all at once today, it seems. This really sucks.
Anyway, the start of the day was fine. Mum seemed agitated, but that’s not unusual. There was an awards ceremony and I got a bronze academic award. Not great, but hardly bad. It would’ve been terrible enough for me to get really upset back in primary school, but these days I don’t usually get anything at all. So I’m happy.
My parents didn’t stick around to congratulate me, though. I ended up chilling with Phantomess and her Dad instead. Before that, though, I did look for my ‘rents. I hung back before entering the library where we had morning tea. I then checked the library itself. After that I looked over the carpark only to see that my parents most certainly were not there.
...If that’s not a clear representation of the relationship between my parents and I, then I don’t know what is.
I’m not that proud of my award. I could’ve done better, but I didn’t. I don’t really feel the need to make a big deal of it, nor do I really want to show it off. But I did want my parents to at least say something to me afterwards.
This lack of encouragement was just made all the more obvious when one of my friends (the same bastard I’m usually complaining about) made sure to congratulate the girl next to me, but didn’t say a word to me. Thanks. Fucker.
Sigh. He’s not exactly the most emotionally able. That said… surely he can understand how confused and hurt I am by him? This is the same kid who became one of my best friends only 5 months ago only to pointedly ignore me after. Just because he has never emotionally invested himself into a friendship, doesn’t mean that I haven’t. He may not understand this, but it hurts a lot when he talks to everyone except me. When he offers things to those around me, but not to me. When he says the exact same things he used to say to me to someone else, as if it wasn’t something we’d previously talked about. When someone else sits where I used to sit, and laughs and jokes around with him like we used to while I sit in silence away from him.
Yeah. It fucking hurts. I’ve always found it difficult to explain human emotion. I can’t say where, or why, or how it hurts, only that it does. It’s not the first time I’ve allowed myself to be hurt by a friendship, nor will it be the last, but unfortunately that doesn’t make this any less painful.
This is why I’m scared of becoming attached to people, I think. Because they’ll let you down.
The entire day has been full of mixed emotions. Around midday, Dad texted to congratulate me on my award. I think I almost burst into tears then. I would’ve preferred if he did stick around earlier on, but at least he did say something. Even if it was only over a text message.
As I said, I only broke down today because of a lot of things. The above is from today, but by no means is it the be all and end all of what’s bugging me. I’ve lost friends before. I’ve only kept one friend from primary school, for example. On the other hand, I do have a friend that I had since I was a very, very young child, but I’m not sure what I feel about her. I know how unimportant I am to her. I introduced her to her last boyfriend, and trust me when I say that I was pushed aside for him. So I’m hardly new to losing friends. Even so, I'm terrified about what'll happen to my social group with university. I’ll be going somewhere new, with no previous friends with me. Sure, I had to do the same thing when I started high school, but still.
I knew I was going to a different uni than everyone else. But recently two of my friends have been discussing moving interstate for their tertiary education. Obviously, I will not be following them. Don’t get me wrong, I am very happy for them. I wish I had the ambition to bother looking interstate rather than staying close to home. We need to seize every opportunity that comes our way, because we may never get a second chance. But… you know, it’s just so much more in-your-face now. It’s more obvious that we’re all going to be separated at the end of this year. Perhaps wanting them to go to the same university as me would only be delaying the inevitable.
Honestly, I can’t help but think that maybe it’d be less painful to start cutting ties now. To stop myself from becoming attached. The only person I’ve consistently been able to see in my future is Lainey. Three days ago this was playing on my mind for hours. All through class. As a child I’ve often heard that you need to get used to loss. Ask anyone. You don’t retain the same friends for your whole life.
Perhaps I should stop worrying about my social life and put all my effort into my school work. By doing that, it shouldn’t be such a sharp contrast when I start uni as a friendless nobody. It should be easier. Right?
...Right?
Ah, but, even so, I can’t bring myself to do that, and perhaps with good reason. When I did eventually break down today during last period, we ended up in a group hug. It was very hot (temperature wise, guys) and squished, but it was also really comforting. And every now and then someone would exclaim “this hurts” or “I think I’m pressing on your shoulder”.
I’ve never had the urge to laugh whilst trying to hide the tears before. It’s an odd feeling. A good feeling, but an odd one all the same. And you know, that did a lot more for me than being pitied or having to explain the situation to them ever could have.
These are the people I care about, and they actually care about me in return. Even if it would be easier to try and cut ties now... I'd rather not. Because, truth be told, I don’t want to lose them.
So… you know, the future is uncertain. And I don’t know where it’ll carry me. Where it’ll carry us. But maybe… maybe this is worth holding on to. At least for now.
Random fact: If you asked me in primary school who I thought would still be one of my closest friends in 5 years time, I would not have answered with Lainey. Hey, maybe this’ll be one of those situations. Maybe the people who keep in contact with me will surprise me greatly. Maybe they won’t. I shouldn’t worry about it, though. Why panic about what the future holds when I’ve got so many good things to hold onto in the present?
...Heh. I can’t possibly end on a positive note. Let me continue with my emo story from earlier. So there’s this other guy. I may have blogged about him before? I don’t know. Anyway, things have been… weird with him. We had… a thing, two years ago, but there have been issues that stopped us getting together. I kinda liked him on and off through last year, but… well, I realised while I was overseas that he really didn’t bother to keep in contact with me. I texted him a few times, and he hardly replied, even when I asked him to at least try to hold a conversation with me. For the entirety of those holidays I had little to no contact with him. Over the course of term one this year, I ended up moving on from him. So yeah, my reasons were basically that we didn’t keep contact and that he didn’t seem to care all that much.
And, oddly enough, he just texted me to ask if I was okay after being upset this afternoon.
God, the irony. I stopped caring because he didn’t text me or contact me, and now he’s messaging me out of the blue specifically to ask if I’m okay? Pfft. If there is a God, he must love messing with me.
Oh, and, before I forget, the third person that's really annoyed me today? She has a habit of hurting people. No joke, she seems to hurt everyone. And look, she’s never done anything to me. She’s definitely done things worthy of my disliking, but I’m pretty sure she’s never intentionally tried to harm me. Maybe I just needed someone else to hate today. Maybe I’m just sick of the crap she pulls on everyone else. I don’t know. But it certainly didn’t help things today. Then again, very little was going to help things today, so perhaps I should turn off the computer, crawl into bed and sleep away everything that’s happened. Yes. That sounds good right now.
If anyone needs me, I'll be the ball-shaped-thing under the covers.
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