I woke up early this morning to continue working on an assignment. I was fine at first, but not long after my parents got up, I started to feel terrible and perhaps a little apprehensive. I had the urge to move, and the more I sat still, the worse I felt. The urge to throw up only left after I stood up and paced the hallway.
I feel very, very sick, and I don’t believe it’s the usual, physical kind of sick. If that were the case, I’d most likely need to stay lying down, or, depending on what I had, either eat more, or eat less. I’m fine eating. I don’t feel hungry, or not hungry. There’s nothing else really wrong with me unless you count the return of my insomnia or this weird apprehension that’s settled in my stomach. It doesn’t feel like the weird digestion problems I usually have. It doesn’t feel like anything I’ve ever had before, to be honest.
No, this illness is different. I just need to move, otherwise I feel queasy and the apprehension sets in strongly, to the point of genuine fear. Of what I’m scared of, I have no clue. Relations with my parents are surprisingly good at the moment. I’m procrastinating at school, but that’s never worried me before. I’ve always been prepared to face an E grade because, with how late I start things, I’ve always known there’d be a high chance of it. Hell, I’ve had plenty of E's in the past. So I’m not scared about failing this assignment.
The only thing I can think of is this soloists concert tonight that I’m playing at, but I’ve never felt scared of playing this early before I go on stage. Usually I don’t feel a thing until I’m almost ready to face the audience. That’s when I start shaking and panicking, of course, but... there’s almost 12 hours before I go perform (as of the time I started writing this) and... I feel really, really scared.
It’s weird. And the fear is just making the sickness worse, and that sickness seems to intensify said fear. If this doesn’t let up, I’m hardly going to be able to do my assignment or perform, so the timing of this is splendid.
I need to move but I can’t, because I need to work and that involves sitting at a desk. There’s nothing I can do about that.
I’m wondering where the hell all this weirdness is coming from, and if any of my emotions are linked to this. Gradually over the last two years I’ve become complacent, uncaring and bored with everything. Over the last few weeks I’ve felt the trust I always had between myself and both friends and family decline dramatically. Even my Dad isn’t immune to this. He’s someone that I’ve always held in an extremely high regard, someone I’ve always looked up to and trusted with all my heart. Now I find myself questioning everything he says and avoiding eye contact. Why?
I don’t think its paranoia, per se, because I certainly don’t think he wants to do anything bad to me. I don’t think anyone I know wants to harm me, and if they did it’d be talking behind my back (something I know happens anyway, and I’ve never cared before), so I'm certain it's not related to that.
I can’t sleep, I can’t focus, I can’t keep myself trusting, I can’t speak to anyone about it, and I’m starting to think that I actually feel legitimately sick because of it.
I still have no explanation for this massive fear, though. I have never felt anything like this before. Not like the fear on a roller coaster or something. It’s just this steady, building feeling that something terrible is going to happen and I know it, but I can’t consciously grab onto whatever it is that I know about. And the longer I wait, the worse I feel.
I’d talk to people, but of the people I usually talk to, half of them are oddly happy right now, and the other half are seriously not. I don’t want to ruin that happiness, and I certainly don’t want to impose on someone who’s already upset about something. So I’m not sure who I’d talk to about this. Once again, amazing timing on my part.
I just... I’m scared. And I don’t know why. I’m sick, tired and scared, and I can’t control it. I can’t just tell myself it’s fine, because it’s not.
I am not in the right frame of mind to do work right now, but it’s the start of term. I can hardly give up already.
I don’t even know what the hell is wrong with me anymore.
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